The 42 Most Cringeworthy Dad Jokes

The 42 Most Cringeworthy Dad Jokes

Our favorite middle aged men have been busy at work creating these classic jabs.
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Nothing will make you laugh harder, and cringe faster, than a good old fashioned dad joke. From terrifyingly creative puns to wordplay so unique not even Shakespeare could compare, our favorite men in jean shorts and sandals always find a way to give a giggle. I've rounded up the best of the best. See if your old man can rival these.

1. Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

2. How many apples grow on a tree?

All of them.

3. What time did the man go to the dentist?

Tooth hurt-y.

4. Why do chicken coops only have two doors?

Because if they had four, they'd be chicken sedans!

5. What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

6. Why did the coffee have to file a police report?

Because it got mugged!

7. Why did the Clydesdale give the miniature pony a glass of water?

Because he was a little horse!

8. How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it!

9. What's Beethoven's favorite fruit?

A ba-na-na-na!

10. How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!

11. Why did the scarecrow win the prestigious award?

Because he was out standing in his field.

12. What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Irrelephant!

13. What's Forrest Gump's password?

1forrest1!

14. Don't buy anything with velcro on it.

It's always a total rip-off.

15. Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk?

The stock market.

16. What did the ocean say to the shore?

Nothing, it just waved.

17. What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

18. I would avoid that sushi place if I were you.

It looked fishy.

19. What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller.

20. Why do crabs never give to charity?

Because they're shellfish!

21. What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fshhh.

22. Why was the octopus able to beat a shark in a fight?

The octopus came well armed.

23. A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

24. Last night my girlfriend and I watched three movies back-to-back.

Luckily I was the one who was facing the T.V.

25. What cheese can never be yours?

Nacho cheese!

26. I'm reading a book about the history of glue.

I can't put it down!

27. What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

28. I was considering going on an all almond diet.

But that was just nuts!

29. A furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one night stand!

30. Did I tell you about the time I fell in love during a backflip?

I was heels over head!

31. I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

I'm just doing it for the kicks.

32. Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?

Because then they'd be bay-gulls!

33. Where does Batman go to the bathroom?

The batroom!

34. What do you call a sheep with no legs?

A cloud!

35. Why don't skeletons go trick-or-treating?

Because they have no body to go with.

36. Have you ever heard of the band Cellophane?

They mostly wrap.

37. What did the 0 say to the 8?

Nice belt!

38. Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?

To compliment the traffic jam.

39. What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at college?

Bison.

40. Atheism?

Yeah, it's a non-prophet organization.

41. There's a new type of broom out.

I've heard it's sweeping the nation!

42. I used to have a job cleaning up leaves.

I was raking it in!

Cover Image Credit: PlayBuzz

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To The Friends I Won't Talk To After High School

I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.
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Hey,

So, for the last four years I’ve seen you almost everyday. I’ve learned about your annoying little brother, your dogs and your crazy weekend stories. I’ve seen you rock the awful freshman year fashion, date, attend homecoming, study for AP tests, and get accepted into college.

Thank you for asking me about my day, filling me in on your boy drama and giving me the World History homework. Thank you for complimenting my outfits, laughing at me presenting in class and listening to me complain about my parents. Thank you for sending me your Quizlets and being excited for my accomplishments- every single one of them. I appreciate it all because I know that soon I won’t really see you again. And that makes me sad. I’ll no longer see your face every Monday morning, wave hello to you in the hallways or eat lunch with you ever again. We won't live in the same city and sooner or later you might even forget my name.

We didn’t hang out after school but none the less you impacted me in a huge way. You supported my passions, stood up for me and made me laugh. You gave me advice on life the way you saw it and you didn’t have to but you did. I think maybe in just the smallest way, you influenced me. You made me believe that there’s lots of good people in this world that are nice just because they can be. You were real with me and that's all I can really ask for. We were never in the same friend group or got together on the weekends but you were still a good friend to me. You saw me grow up before your eyes and watched me walk into class late with Starbucks every day. I think people like you don’t get enough credit because I might not talk to you after high school but you are still so important to me. So thanks.

With that said, I truly hope that our paths cross one day in the future. You can tell me about how your brothers doing or how you regret the college you picked. Or maybe one day I’ll see you in the grocery store with a ring on your finger and I’ll be so happy you finally got what you deserved so many guys ago.

And if we ever do cross paths, I sincerely hope you became everything you wanted to be. I hope you traveled to Italy, got your dream job and found the love of your life. I hope you have beautiful children and a fluffy dog named Charlie. I hope you found success in love before wealth and I hope you depended on yourself for happiness before anything else. I hope you visited your mom in college and I hope you hugged your little sister every chance you got. She’s in high school now and you always tell her how that was the time of your life. I sincerely hope, every great quality I saw in you, was imprinted on the world.

And hey, maybe I’ll see you at the reunion and maybe just maybe you’ll remember my face. If so, I’d like to catch up, coffee?

Sincerely,

Me

Cover Image Credit: High school Musical

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A Saturday In The Life Of A Freshman

Welcome to Darty Season

epgainey
epgainey
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Have you ever had a more stereotypical freshman's Saturday than my friends Maddie, Lauren, Jocelyn, Meg, Barbara, and I? Keep reading to see a packed day in darty season from a freshman's point of view.

9:00 am

My alarm that I meant to set for the day before goes off. I begrudgingly roll over, and turn it off, falling back asleep.

10:00 am

I finally wake up, roll, or jump, out of my lofted bed, grab my laptop, and do a little studying for my exam on Monday -- there's no time for that later today, so I've gotta get some of it done then.

10:30 am

Shower. Pick an outfit. Brush teeth. Makeup. Pack a bag of extra clothes.

12:00 pm

I walked downstairs to the lobby to meet two of my friends who were gonna walk with me to Tutweiler Hall.

12:30 pm

My friends and I at the fundraising event

Elizabeth Gainey

We arrived at Tut, met our friends, then left to go to a philantropy event at Sig Tau sponsored by B+, an organization that assists the families of children diagnosed with cancer. Their burgers and fries were top notch.

2:30 pm

The Hackberrys, a band comprised of UA students, played the event. We left to go back to Tut after a few songs.

3:00 pm

We finally got back at Tut, changed clothes, listened to music, hung out.

3:45 pm

We *finally* left for Pike (sorry mom!). You know how long it takes five girls to get ready, so don't act so shocked.

4:10 pm

Myself, super escstatic about having to wait in a mob of people to get in

Elizabeth Gainey

Have you ever arrived to a frat when it's at capacity? Yeah, around 100 screaming girls were shoving to get into the darty. It was an experience like no other, but eventually, we made our way in. It may have been in groups of two, and we definitely lost a girl to the crowd (she's fine!), but we made it.

6:30 pm

After dancing on an elevated surface or two, walking in circles around their courtyard, watching an active climb into a basketball goal, and waiting in a way-too-long line for the restroom, we decided to go back to Tut.

6:45 pm

We definitely made a stop to grab a snack or two on our way back to Tut.

7:15 pm

After realizing that none of the parties at night were gonna start until around 10 pm, we decided to watch some random YouTube videos and Netflix to pass the time. There was also another stop for snacks at the infamous Julia's on the first floor of Tut.

9:30 pm

My third outfit change of the day. We decided to leave Tut for frat row for the third time that day, too. I wanna say my total steps for the day was around 17,000? It was a lot.

10:00 pm

Best view in the house (Myself on the left, Maddie on the right)

Elizabeth Gainey

We got to Sigma Pi as the party was just starting to build up. Their band room was filled within the hour, and they had a pretty good DJ. Although the active yelling at me and my friend to get off the stage was no fun.

11:00 pm

Have you ever faked out a frat boy with a soccer ball? Well, now I can say I have.

12:00 am

After someone pulled the fire alarm on Sigma Pi, we decided to walk back to Tut.

12:45 am

My two Ragecrest friends and I decided to take the bus back because, after the stretch to and from frat row three times, we had no more walking left in us.

1:00 am

Canes chicken tenders. Enough said. It's the way to end a night.

It was a very packed, but very fun and eventful day. We pretty much hit all the spring semester stereotypes: walking along and to frat row, going to a darty, going to a frat party, going to a philanthropy event, and more. As crazy as the day was, I highly recommend trying a day like this once because you won't forget it!

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epgainey

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