I give people too much power. That's right I said it. I can be a complete push over. I am a natural people pleaser. I cringe when someone's feelings get hurt. I sometimes agree to things I don't believe in without realizing it first. These are all characteristics of the old me - the old Gabby. I did not realize how much damage I was doing by compromising myself. I thought I was being a kind person. I thought I was "too sensitive" because that's what people would tell me all the time. I believed the little things that made me upset weren't important enough, and I was taught conflict was a bad thing. Over time, hiding my feelings masked who I really was. Eventually, the lack of self advocating let people walk all over me. I realized I was giving my (later) diagnosed depression the opportunity to rule me. I was not doing anything to build self esteem or confidence in myself. I was giving all outside sources the opportunity to break me. It wasn't until I hit rock bottom that I realized the damage that I had done to myself. I let people rule me. I let others decide my future, my conflicts, and my feelings. It not only made me unhappy, but it made it difficult to be successful. This can be 100 percent prevented. Here is a list of warning signs you are giving people too much power over your well - being:

1. After Spending Time With Someone You Need To Vent To Someone Else

I used to have a roommate who was also a close friend of mine. I honestly thought nothing was wrong and I wasn't giving myself much credit for my feelings. At the time I was in therapy, and I would spend numerous sessions ranting and ranting about this person. When that wasn't enough, I would rant to my closest friends. Something that really stuck with me was when my therapist said, "Why do you give her so much power?" She was so incredibly right. Something I love to use a lot is the example of a Velcro verses Teflon suit. This is a metaphor I learned later from someone who really inspired me in treatment. She would say all the time, we can choose each day to absorb negative energy and live with a Velcro suit, or we can choose to let situations roll off our back as if we are wearing a Teflon suit. Basically, from the way someone looks at us, a facial expression, or the way we interpret a message, can all become negative energy if we allow it to be. When we do this, we choose to absorb weight throughout the day. What could start out as a tiny ball of negativity could eventually become something much too heavy for anyone to carry on their own. We can't possibly know the intention behind the way every single person responds to a situation. Give these people power in their feelings. Let everyone's feelings be valid. When we give people the opportunity to feel whatever they want to feel, we no longer feel the need to be responsible for the feelings, but instead how to move forward. Wear Teflon. Let negativity slide off your back. Let people be responsible for themselves. The key to conflict is finding what both parties can do to move forward, not apologize and feel guilty for the way they feel. Everyone feels the way they feel for a reason, it is understanding why and moving forward that is important.

2. You Are Usually The One Compromising

Relationships are a two way street. What you give should be what you get out of it. This is not always the case. Sometimes a person gives more than the other person, and this can often create conflict. Both parties should be doing what they can do to move forward successfully - not one party. Speak up. Start self advocating for yourself. I strongly believe people generally don't go out intentionally trying to hurt other people. There is a good chance the other party has no idea you feel like you are giving too much. If the relationship is worth your time, the other party should be willing to try and change dynamics. This takes time and effort, so don't get discouraged if things don't go great right away. Once a dynamic is established, it can be really hard to change successfully. Some people just can't handle the change. It's not that they don't care, they just don't have the capacity to handle the change. Decide if this person is worth keeping. If things feel more negative than positive after a long period of time, it is perfectly okay to take a break from this person. It is also okay to decide they don't fit into your life anymore. In order to be healthy, we need to do what is best for us. Sometimes that means letting go of people we once valued as important. When our values change, our needs change. Sometimes people can't change with us, and that is perfectly okay.

3. You Are Judging Yourself

This is a huge one. Judging ourselves will only make our live's harder. Make a promise to yourself to live each day judgment free. People naturally make judgments - it is part of human nature. What is important is being aware of the judgments. I catch myself all the time. If I mess up I often say, "That was a stupid mistake." I also compare myself to others constantly. For example, I try my best in all my classes in college. Sometimes I try harder than most others. There were a few classes I really struggled with. It was so easy to compare myself to the people who were easily doing so much better than me. Music school is really difficult, and some people get by like it's a breeze. It was so hard for me to accept people are going to be better than me sometimes. You can't always be the best. What is key is being good enough for yourself - not other people. That is so much harder said than done. It takes work. For me, judging myself is something I continue to work at every day. The biggest thing I learned from judging myself is that I hurt myself by doing this. Nobody else got hurt - I did.

4. Your Expectations Are Either Too High Or Too Low

Expectations are EVERYTHING. When we expect too much, we are only setting ourselves up to take things personally and be disappointed with the results. When we don't expect enough, we give people the power to do whatever they please - whether we care about the result or not. It is vital to find a happy medium. Whether you expect too much or not enough, either way, you are letting yourself lose. You are giving power to other people. You are not taking credit for what is reasonable. Taking things personally is so easy to do - I do it all the time. Nobody is perfect. When we do this, we automatically put ourselves on the defensive. We don't open ourselves to finding a solution. We are solely focusing on the problem and only the emotional aspect of the situation. So how do you change this? Make a list of your expectations for a situation. Make a pros and cons list. Make the pros and cons based off of facts - not emotions. When we let emotions drive a situation, we can lose root of the problem. Ask someone you trust about your pros and cons list. Ask them what they think about your thought process. Changing ourselves takes baby steps. Please try not to overwhelm yourself. Your first step could be making a list. Your first step could be talking about how you feel with another person. It could even be trying start the day with an open mind. Make this baby step manageable for yourself. Being overwhelmed will only distract you from fixing the situation.

I will say it again. It is so easy to give people too much power over our lives. The key to living a happy life is giving up this power and focusing the power on ourselves. We need to be responsible for the way WE feel - not other people. We need to be aware of what is going on around us - not because it made us feel a certain way necessarily, but WHY we felt this way. We need to speak up for ourselves. Ultimately, if we are not advocating for ourselves, nobody is going to. At the end of the day, only we know our personal needs and only we can learn how to meet these needs - for ourselves and other people. I am confident everyone can learn to live a happy and healthy life. What is key is embracing our inner happiness, and doing a little soul searching. You can do this!