Unless you're brave enough to go grocery shopping in the middle of the night or at the break of dawn like some people you know, you dread going more than almost anything else. It is stressful, overwhelming, and leaves you feeling exhausted and annoyed. For me, walking into the grocery store- falling into line with all the people shuffling in- makes me feel somewhat like a cow being herded into a slaughterhouse. (Yeah, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but I hate it, okay?) You find yourself getting aggravated at every little thing, taking deep breaths, and wondering why you did this to yourself.
1. "Wow, none of these idiots know how to park."
You say to yourself after circling two or three times only to still have to park half a mile away.
2. "People are purposely walking slowly in front of me. I'm sure of it."
You know this sounds weird and paranoid but what other reason would people have for moving in such slow motion?!
3. "Okay, I have a list, so I should be out of here in no time, right?"
4. "Why are there so many different kinds of apples?"
5. "Produce is so complicated."
It looks so inviting to pick up, but it's a trap.
6. "What even is a rutabaga?"
7. "Why is healthy food so expensive?"
I could pay $6 for these bananas, but for $6 I could also get like 3 bags of chips, soo...
8. "Yes, thank you, stop and have a conversation in the middle of the aisle."
Then when I say the obligatory, "Excuse me, sorry," you can respond with "That's okay."
9. "I actually need nothing in the frozen section, but I see ice cream."
Blue Bell just came back into my life. You can't expect me to just ignore it.
10. "I need to get some Lean Cuisines... Oh look, pizza rolls."
11. "Shouldn't all the canned goods be in one place instead of spread out over four different aisles?"
Seriously, I shouldn't have to walk to a different side of the store to get a can of tomato sauce.
12. "The bread aisle always smells weird."
Why do I even buy bread? I'm never able to eat it all before it goes bad.
13. "Is it socially acceptable for me to buy Spaghetti O's? What about pudding cups?"
14. "Actually I'm never having children because they cry."
I know you can't just shut your kid up that easily but I don't want to hear them screaming because you won't buy them Gogurt.
15. "I forgot to check and see if I have milk."
I know I have milk, but is it still good? Do I even need milk to begin with?
16. "I can't believe I can be trusted to navigate this place on my own."
Adulting can be so hard sometimes. I don't belong here.
17. "Oreos aren't actually on my list, but only I know that."
18. "They have 300 different kinds of cereal but not the one I'm looking for. Oh, okay."
19. "Just kidding, there it is. I just passed it up twice."
20. "Oh crap, I forgot butter and it's on the other side of the store."
Is it worth it to go back? Nah.
21. "Ew, I see someone I know."
I didn't brush my hair today and I'm not really feeling a friendly conversation. *walks in the other direction*
22. "I was going to go down this aisle but there are too many people so I can just do without."
24. "Hahaha only one check out lane is open."
Smiling through the pain.
I'd elaborate but I have family reading this.
26. "Why is this happening?"
At this point, you don't even know what that question is directed at.
27. "Yes, cashier, I did buy pudding cups. Stop judging me. "
I just came here to get groceries and I'm honestly feeling so attacked right now.
28. "Soooo close."
29. "OMG I just spent enough money to feed a small family in Africa."
30. "Aaaaand I've been in here for over an hour."
I'm actually surprised it's still daylight outside.
31. "Still, I feel so accomplished."
I won't have to come back to this place for a while now.
32. Walking out: "Crap, I forgot ketchup."
Again, my list has failed me. Or I've failed myself, I'm not sure which.
33. Loading your car: "I also forgot printer ink."
Why did I even make a list?
34. Driving home: "And light bulbs."
35. Pulling into your driveway: "Oh, I needed eggs too."
*tears up list*
36: Putting groceries away: "I'm too tired, so I'll just put the refrigerated ones away and take a break, then do the others later."
After a quick nap, maybe.
37. "I'm never going back to the grocery store."
You couldn't pay me to go back there.
38. "Oh, I have to go back tomorrow."
You realize you forgot something you actually have to have, and all you can do is sigh.