1. Why do all the model gym people doing these exercises look so in shape?
2. I thought this was supposed to be about progression like in "The Biggest Loser." You aren’t supposed to start out looking like an Olympic triathlete on steroids.
3. I wish the coaches from that show followed me around in real life. They are scary and would force me to be healthy.
4. But they totally wouldn’t have let me eat Chick-fil-A for breakfast.
5. …and lunch.
6. Okay, it’s time to get started!
7. …making my workout playlist.
8. Obviously a lot of Kanye will be involved. You have to first believe you are a badass before you actually become one, I read that somewhere.
9. “Girl, imma let you finish this workout but Beyoncé has one of the best bodies OF ALL TIME.”
10. Legitimately starting this now.
11. Squats are the most pure form of torture that is still legal in America. Plus you walk like a penguin the next day.
12. Has it been seven minutes yet? Only 45 seconds?! Awesome.
13. My clothes are starting to feel very constricting and tight and I can no longer breathe.
14. If any of my friends takes a picture of me doing this my social life is over. The Snapchat pictures will haunt me for the rest of my Instagram life.
15. Just think of spring break and Karlie Kloss.
16. If you get in that good of shape, you too can be best friends with Taylor Swift. Think of all the baked goods she’ll cook you... wait, no. No baked goods from Taylor.
17. This 30-second break is about to last 30 minutes.
18. Circuit Two! More exercises!
19. I should’ve agreed to go on spring break with my family this year.
20. Kanye is starting to sound too aggressive and judgmental. I don’t like it. I’d like to see him try this.
21. Burpees are made to make you recollect everything bad that has ever happened to you. Only to be reminded that burpees ARE the absolute worse thing that has ever happened to you.
22. Remember that scene in "Bridesmaids" when Kristen Wiig loses her best friend, moves in with her mom, and doesn’t have a job? That is not rock bottom, this is.
23. But at least the only way to go is up! Up the step ups with 15 pound weights in both of your hands!
24. The end is near. Of both the workout and my adolescent view that life is good. I will have to hire men to carry around like Cleopatra. That part won’t be so bad.
25. Wait, I’m supposed to do both of those circuits again? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
26. HA.
27. You know, the one-piece swimsuit look is starting to comeback in style. And Emma Watson said the less you show of yourself the more people can wonder.
28. I tried too; no one can say I didn’t at least try.
29. I’ll be bloated from drinking anyways. And if someone mistakes me for a beached whale, I can make the cover of the National Geographic.
30. Okay, I’m over this. I’m going to Pauley’s. It’s half-off wine night.
