30 Things Only A Self-Diagnosed Hypochondriac Can Understand
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Health and Wellness

30 Things Only A Self-Diagnosed Hypochondriac Can Understand

"I know I'm a hypochondriac, and I'm certain it's caused by a brain tumor."

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30 Things Only A Self-Diagnosed Hypochondriac Can Understand

Confession time - I'm a self-diagnosed hypochondriac. AKA, I'm super irrational, very good at convincing myself of things, and extremely stubborn. More formally, I have decided that I have "abnormal anxieties" about my health, especially regarding the "unwarranted fear" that I may have a "serious disease." While it comforts me that I am not alone in this daily struggle with my self-diagnosis, there are still some things that only those who also suffer from this form of hypochondria can understand:

1. Google is both your best friend and worst enemy.

You look up literally everything, from mosquito bites to sore throats - Google is your go-to. Unfortunately, it doesn't always yield good (read: accurate) results. One second your'e looking up how to treat a common cold, and next thing you know you're reading the your fifth blog post three hours later on how someone mistook their cold-like symptoms and actually had some kind of flesh-eating disease.

2. WebMD is bookmarked on your desktop, laptop, and cell phone.

WebMD is essentially the Holy Grail for all hypochondriacs. But, it definitely shouldn't be. Have a headache? According to WebMD, you're probably dying of brain cancer. While there is a ton of useful and medically accurate information on this site, it is often misconstrued and the worst is often assumed.

3. Your nursing major friends are sick and tired of looking at your weird bug bites/bruises/swollen glands.

If you're a self-diagnosed hypochondriac and are lucky enough to have friends who are nursing majors then you have officially hit the jackpot. However, those friends aren't so lucky because they're probably pretty tired of being asked weird medical questions that they may or may not even know the answer to yet.

4. You have your parents on speed-dial for a diagnosis confirmation because Mom knows best.

If you're anything like me, you probably call your parents at least once a day and ask them a million questions ranging from how to properly cook chicken to how many doses of Benadryl you should take. Any time I think something is wrong with me, I call my mom and ask her if she thinks I'm being rational (hint: she usually thinks I'm being absolutely ridiculous).

5. You spend a solid 15 minutes reading the entire label of directions, ingredients, and warnings on the back of the medicine bottle (even if it's just Advil).

Anytime you need to take medicine, whether it's prescription or over-the-counter, you best believe that you're going to read every sing word on the back of that bottle. God forbid you overdoes on children's chewable aspirin because that would be far worse than the toothache you're taking it for.

6. You refuse to believe that hangovers are a real thing, and immediately attribute your headache, nausea and lethargy to mono.

What? No. It is most definitely not possible for binge-drinking three nights a week to make me feel awful every single Sunday morning. Copious amounts of alcohol in a short period of time? No way that could give me a migraine. Only 3 hours of sleep? That's no big deal, why don't I feel great? Something else way more serious must be going on.

7. Your roommates are literally *so* over you coming into their rooms at all hours to complain about your latest health scare.

It doesn't matter if it's 4 PM or 4 AM, if you have even the slightest inkling that something could be wrong, you are probably going to bust down your roommates door to ask them their opinion on your potential illness. And spoiler alert - they are not going to be happy about it. At least not the 5th time that week.

8. You don't even know if you actually have hypochondria, but you've managed to diagnose yourself with it.

Again, you can thank Google and WebMD for this one.

9. Hand sanitizer, Neosporin, and and wet-wipes are essentials for all bags and backpacks.

In the event that you need to use a public restroom or get a paper-cut, you're always prepared because you do not have the time nor the emotional capacity to handle actually getting sick.

10. Despite how many times you've confirmed you're not, the Internet never fails to convince you that you're either pregnant or dying.

I've said this a million times, but I'll say it again: the Internet will always tell you two things when you type in any combination of symptoms - you're pregnant or dying. Good luck figuring out which one.

11. You are weirdly way too in tune with your body and its functions.

Even the slightest change or switch-up (like a sore throat or achy back) throws you into a self-induced panic.

12. The doctor's office is both your happy place and your source of greatest anxieties.

Either your'e at the doctor's for confirmation of your illness or to calm your nerves, but you never really can tell which one you're there for in the first place. Again, good luck figuring out which one you're there for.

13. Diagnoses from professionals are often taken as *suggestions* because obviously the Internet is always right.

In addition to the above point, you've also probably tried arguing with the doctor when he or she tells you nothing major is wrong. Insulting their intelligence and years of schooling is not necessarily on purpose, we hypochondriacs are just pretty damn stubborn - whether we like it or not. it's hard to remember a real that a real M.D. is worth a lot more than WebMD.

14. You can't watch Grey's Anatomy without freaking out that you will somehow inevitably end up in one of those scenarios, regardless of how far-fetched they seem.

Face it. You're just bound to fall out of the third-story window of a building, impale yourself on a tree branch on the way down and somehow contract a life-threatening bout of pneumonia whilst getting treated in the hospital. Too bad McSteamy won't be there in real-life to save you (with his good looks).

15. You're both the most desensitized and squeamish person all rolled into one.

You can look at pictures of disgusting, cringe-worthy skin diseases on the Internet all day. But as soon as you cut your leg shaving? Nope. Can't do blood. Time to freak out.

16. You have literal nightmares about germs.

I'm not kidding you when I say I have had several recurring dreams about being attacked and killed by germs. Sometimes there cartoon-esqe germs (think The Magic School Bus) chasing me, and sometimes I dream that I am suffering from some kind of terrifying virus.

17. You've familiarized yourself with complex medical terms and throw them around like slang.

Casually referring to your body parts by their official scientific names is a common occurrence when people are around you. Your knee hurts? Oh, you must mean your patella.

18. Sharing is not caring.

Do not offer me a sip of your drink because I am going to assume that you're trying to poison me with your germs.

19. Working out is kind of scary.

Oh God. My pulse is up. I'm having palpitations. Why am I sweating? Do I have a fever? Why am I so achy afterwards? Do I have a degenerative bone disease?

20. Despite the jokes, you sometimes feel ashamed and the fear is real.

As much as you joke around about potentially being sick, you really are very scared that you might actually be.

21. Reading this article is sending you into shock.

Even just talking about being sick or having hypochondria makes you nervous.

22. Your one bad health experience in life has led you to believe that you must constantly be suffering from something.

Maybe once you were very sick and now you suffer from some sort of post-traumatic stress from the situation. You just can't seem to shake that bad bout of chicken pox or the stomach bug that was going around in the first grade.

23. Minor illnesses do not exist. You. Are. Dying.

You definitely do not have cold. You have a life-threatening disease and you're going to die. Better head to the ER.

24. You're constantly frustrated with people dismissing your "illnesses" as nothing.

Nothing is worse than telling someone about your prospective "illness" only to have them laugh at you and joke about it. It often leaves you alone with the Internet as the only voice of "reason," which is never good.

25. You have the incredible talent of convincing yourself to feel symptoms that weren't even there to begin with... and then actually getting them.

Hmm... well, this site says if I'm dying I should be having headaches and nausea, but I haven't had any of those symptoms... yet. *Ten minutes later* "OH MY GOD, MY HEAD IS KILLING ME I AM GOING TO THROW UP!"

26. Tension and stress are not real things to you.

You literally refuse to believe that things like being over-tired, anxious, or stressed out can cause you to have real, physical symptoms. Well, I'm no doctor (if there's such a thing as the opposite of one, that's probably me), but I am here to tell you that yes, all of those things can cause *real* symptoms. However, I am also here to tell you that i understand how hard it is to not understand feeling sick because of things like feelings.

7. You struggle with whether or not to make a trip to the ER or nap it off.

There are very two extremes when it comes to handling a hypochondria-induced panic attack: either you can acknowledge that you're freaking out over nothing and sleep it off, or you can acknowledge the fact that you are indeed dying and zoom over to the ER as fast as possible. Any other (more reasonable) reactions are very rare.

28. "Keeping calm" is not a thing.

See literally every single point on this list.

29. You probably have your will and last wishes already written out and hidden in your sock drawer/nightstand/glove compartment.

Since you constantly feel like you're dying, or you're at least pretty sure that your going to get sick and die soon enough, you have taken the liberty of making sure that all of your belongings are sorted among your parents/siblings/friends accordingly.

30. The preventative measures you take to not get sick are pretty extensive.]

You carry around antiseptic like lip gloss, refuse to use public restrooms, and take approximately 12 different vitamins in the morning. But you definitely are positive you're still going to get sick. And die.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
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