The whole process of making friends is crazy. You're presented with thousands of other people similar to you, and for some inexplicable reason you pick out a few and decide to become attached to them. Here's three reasons you should become attached to a plus sized one.
1. It's basic science, Fat people have better personalities.
Now watch out folks, I’m about to put my two high school biology classes to work. Now this all comes down to two simple things, adaptation and evolution. In the words(ish) of one of my bio teachers Mr. Gannon, “Evolution drives everything we as humans do. Everything we do is part of our attempt to get our genetic makeup into the next generation”. Now apparently evolution has never tried to go toe-to-toe with chocolate brownie ice cream, because there’s no way eating 3,000 calories of that last night while binge watching Scrubs was really helping me get my genetic material into the next generation. Because, brace yourself, here’s the truth. For the most part, fat people aren’t as attractive as skinnier ones. Now I can feel the anger already welling up in some of you. Well before you get up in arms relax. I’m not exactly rocking a six pack myself. I mean I literally dress up as Santa the week before finals every year. Don't believe me? Boom.
Now back to the subject at hand, if you’re considered less attractive by society, how do you still manage to find someone to binge watch Scrubs with you? (which is really all we’re looking for in life) You adapt. Yeah you thought we were done but I brought science back into this, deal with it. Now if we’re generalizing, attraction comes down to two major things. Physical appearance and personality. If you’re attractive, there’s not as much pressure to have a good personality. Now if that’s the case, I don’t really know why you’re reading this article, just focus on pledging to Pike. Now If your appearance is, let’s say sub-par, then the obvious answer is to have a better personality. This is when people usually pipe up “you can’t just have a better personality”. Um… bull shit you can’t. Just be a nicer person. Hold the door. Give a compliment to someone you don’t like. Etc. Bam, you’re a better person, now pipe the fuck down. So fat people need to have a good personality to compensate. Loosely speaking, it’s science.
2. We come in handy more often than not.
No one's gonna be there for you like your plus sized friend will be. You come over after a bad breakup and need to eat the feelings away? Relax, I think it's pretty obvious we've pretty obviously been there. There's 3 types of ice cream in the freezer and a pizza on the way. You need a cheat day for your diet? I've hit 94 cheat days in a row, come join the club. We're at a party and some creepy guy is hitting on you? While we may be teddy bears on the inside, to a drunk frat bro we're a little intimidating. Speaking of being a teddy bear, You've had a rough day? Being able to cuddle like a teddy bear is among my top 3 qualities, along with an innate ability to be sarcastic no matter what the situation, and the ability to create third reasons out of nowhere because lists usually have more than two things on them.
3. We can help you be OK with, well, you.
This one comes from a more personal place, but honestly, I like being a bigger guy. I can't imagine being skinny and wanting to run marathons and eat kale or whatever it is you people do. I know all people big or small have insecurities, and it's hard to be comfortable in your own skin. It took me a long time to get more comfortable with who I was. Pretty much the hell formerly known as middle school. 3 years of prepubescent voice cracks and a desire to grow facial hair. (I'm now 18 and it still hasn't happened. I'm hoping by the time I turn 21) I understand how hard of a process it is to be OK with yourself and how one snarky comment can set you back months. So every day I try to make people feel better about themselves because I know how hard it is to do no matter what you look like. And if someone is feeling down and really needs a confidence booster, I will bust a move and dance like the large white man I am.
We'll be the best friends you could want. Just remember, don't touch our food without asking.
