Throughout my time here at the prestigious University of Missouri, I've developed a series of questions which have yet to be answered. No, Tim Wolfe, that's not an open invitation for you to slide into my DM's and answer them for me. I'm talking to the people who REALLY know the answers here; the people on the inside. If your idea of inside information is, "If you're nice to the people at the door at Plaza, they may let you take a cookie or two with you on the way out," leave that advice at the door.
Trust me, I know this. I've sweet-talked and bumped elbows with the right people to make things like that happen more times than I can count. So please, tell me something I don't know.
1.) How does one actually pronounce "Lefevre?"
2.) Why does the queso at Baja turn into Elmer's glue after fifteen minutes?
3.) Why does the Lowry Mall fountain look like a giant urinal?
4.) Can step-by-step instructions on how to climb Jesse Hall be included in the next round of freshman orientations? Asking for a friend.
5.) Why is seating being added to Faurot Field when Mizzou football placed dead last in the SEC East this past season?
6.) Has the tradition of rubbing the nose of the bronze David Francis bust during finals week helped spread Mumps in times of epidemic?
7.) Why does the statue outside Hatch Hall look like a giant penile kidney stone extraction?
8.) Speaking of which, has there ever been a petition to change the name of Hatch Hall to Trap House Hall?
9.) Why didn't Truman start an "All Animals Matter" movement when Harambe was brutally murdered last year?
10.) What's the ballpark estimate of how many people have banged in the third-floor private bathroom of Ellis?
11.) Make east campus great again. Not a question, just a proclamation.
12.) Why don't we just have normal stoplights on crosswalks rather than the weird ones so we don't have to risk being run over by confused drivers?
13.) Has the hacky-sack guy at Speaker's Circle broken any world records yet?
14.) Is there any real reason why I have to take three classes of Spanish as a communication major? It's not like I'm trying to be Donald Trump's translator for when he builds the wall or anything.
15.) Canvas or Blackboard. Choose one, not both. Not a question, again, but still.
16.) Why are there parking passes for only half the students here? My parking tickets racked up last year, man.
17.) Why hasn't Chipotle been a free food offered on Lowry Mall yet?
18.) Does Brother Jeb have a day job that doesn't involve calling passerby students harlots and hedonists in Speaker's Circle?
19.) When's the best time to streak the quad during the night? Once again, asking for a friend.
20.) Screw LSU and Auburn, why is Mizzou the absolute best place to be a Tiger?
21.) Why can't you seem to figure out the MU alert system?
Now go out there and kill your classes. Even if the worst case scenario happens, remember, Club Vogue is always hiring.
