It’s that time of year; the leaves are falling, the apple cider is flowing, and Republican candidates are fighting tooth and nail for an opportunity to face Hillary in the 2016 election. But unlike the career politicians leading the left - Hillary, well qualified but not great at parties; Bernie, the grandpa you’d have if your grandpa was cool; and Martin O’Malley, the only candidate with a six pack - the Republican field is currently led by two very entertaining outsiders. There’s Donald Trump, a Calvin Klein underwear model and wall-building enthusiast, and Ben Carson, the official spokesperson for sleeping™.
Let’s face it: American politics are evolving, and traditional candidates are going the way of the VHS. In order to find out how far this evolution progresses, I traveled eight years into the future. Here are the top candidates in 2023:
Not Joe Biden
Sorry folks, he hasn’t changed his mind on this one.
Bill Gates
While he has the “everyday billionaire” appeal that American’s love, in the end Bill Gates hairstyle just isn’t terrible enough to garner support.
The Bush Family
The Bush family has turned itself into a corporation, allowing the entire family to run as a team thanks to "Citizens United."
A Bush
Critics accuse this candidate of misleading voters, and there are vicious rumors that it is actually a shrub.
Elon Musk
Musk’s campaign revolves around his vision of a self-driving Congress, which he believes will result in fewer government shutdowns and free up extra money for NASA. Also, he may or may not be an evil genius bent on total global domination.
An Everyday American
Just your average Joe, went to community college, works at Starbucks, and knows just as much about politics as your 30-year-old neighbor. He owns a dog and spends most of his income on light beer and Oreos.
A Potato
This one’s pretty self-explanatory.
Leonardo DiCaprio
Still unable to win an Oscar, Leo has set his eyes on the presidency. Unfortunately, more and more hot models are coming forward and accusing him of having awesome, totally consensual sex with them. His campaign’s days appear to be numbered.
Well, that’s about it. Unfortunately, my time machine ran out of gas, so no word on which of these exciting candidates triumphs in the 2024 election.
My money’s on the potato.
