Much criticism has been lobbed at the incoming new year, for its controversial comments at its opening Press Conference recently.
In a Press Conference this week, 2017 promised to be worse for the world than 2016.
“You thought 2016 was bad?!” 2017 chortled, choking with laughter, “Ohohoho…YOU HAVEN’T SEEN ANYTHING YET! YOU JUST WAIT!”
2017 reminisced about all the horrid acts committed by 2016: the Zika Virus, political debauchery, several celebrity deaths, terrorist attacks, shootings, Ebola, genocide in Syria, and other completely assiduous acts.
“You humans have had it far too good for far too long. You humans are weak. It is about time we make the Book of Revelations great again!” 2017 spoke sharply, chain-smoking a cigar, “The older years are laughing at us! 1914 is looking on in us spite…not pitying us all, wishing for worse than World War 1. 1929 is cackling…remembering fondly the days of when the stock market crashed and the Great Depression started. 1939 is in hysterics…that man is laughing at you all for thinking it’s all so bad when he started World War 2.”
“Boy I still look back in awe of the days of my great-great-great-great granddaddy. Now there was a guy who knew how to put on a show! 1347 was amazing…Bringing on the Black Plague like that?! Hilarious!” 2017’s knees buckled, as he slapped them with his hands, laughing maniacally.
2017 sat back and pondered, “Hmmm…maybe I’ll start World War 3! Or maybe I’ll drag humanity into another worldwide Depression. I do like the idea of spreading a deadly, lethal disease though,” 2017 refocused his goals of war and then snapped his fingers, “I got it! ATOMIC WARFARE! Yeah…I’ll drag Russia, China, all of Europe, and the United States of America into one giant nuclear war! I just have set the stage, put a plan in motion.”
“Anyway, pleased to meet you all...but all I care about is the entertainment really…ratings have to keep going up so I make my money. And well you see, death and destruction brings home the bacon.”
2017 stood up and walked off the podium in his bright red suit (which almost blinded people looking at it), gently caressing his mustache, and flashing a smile with his green Frankenstein-like face and bright yellow teeth and saluting the press reporters, who rushed towards the exit door, bursting out in a hubbub of questions as 2017 left.
