If you were to tell me in the December 2016, that the next year I would go from racing my rapist in court, to graduating college, to meeting my furry best friend, to having a full-time job, to being a year clean from self-harm, I would have told you blatantly that you were bat sh*t crazy.
But then again, you would have been right.
Everyone says that they change a lot in a year, but not many people do. We get stuck in our patterns and the "norm," instead of igniting movement from within. We want to stay in the place that is safe, instead of chasing a dream that sets our souls on fire.
I have been that person, but in 2017 I did not want to be. I wanted to change. I wanted to grow. I wanted to be a better person. I wanted to love me.
And that is what I did.
In January, I started the year with a bang. But really, I felt like someone could have plunged a bullet into my chest when the biggest day of my life came. The day I had to face the man who raped my in court. I still remember the knots in my stomach and my weak knees when I was in the court house that day. I still cry thinking about being there.
What did I learn? To face my fears. I had nightmares for years leading up to that day in court. After the settlement was finished, I never had a dream about him again. I was free, and I did it. I faced him. I faced the most frightening part of my past, and I became so much stronger.
The next couple months flew by, and May was here before I knew it. The last semester of college was anything but easy, and I doubted that I would graduate. Working down to the last moment and paying off school is an accomplishment I always hold close to my heart. I hated most of college, but I did it. I walked across the stage on Mother's Day, and finally got that piece of paper.
What did I learn? To overcome struggle. I got knocked down and got up more times than I can count. I juggled so many challenges and always came out on top. With scars, of course. But I always came out on top. I crawled to the finish line, but I fought with every fiber of my being to cross it.
May was also a special month because I met my best friend: Wyatt. I became a mother to the best furry pal a girl can ask for. We also have had our ups and downs, but I have never loved someone so much in my whole life. He has helped me heal and has given me someone to wake up to and live for. Even if I dread the walks in 24 degree weather, he is by my side. He is always there.
What did I learn? To love. To be patient. To be kind. As I was watching Netflix the other night and started to cry, he cuddled up to my shoulder and licked my tears. As I cried even more, I realized that I am so lucky for everyone and everything I have in my life. Even though I get frustrated at work, at home, or anywhere else, I always need to lead with patience. We are meant to love and to be kind to others, and Wyatt reminds me every day.
September I had been promoted to full-time at my job. I was terrified. I have thought many times that I need to work with the degree I earned, but I am still so young and discovering my passions. I already grew so much at Loft, why would I want my journey to end? After struggling financially so long, this is my ticket to a career that I enjoy. Accepting a position where I can feel like I make a difference to others and empower women, has meant the world, and there is so much more to come.
What did I learn? To keep working hard. Maybe I was lucky for the promotion, or maybe it boils down to the hard work that I have been doing for years. Not just in retail, but in life. A dear friend once called me a scrapper, and there was never a more perfect coined term for me. I am no where near perfect, but I do what ever I can do to reach my goal. I can tackle issues and problem solve on my feet, which makes me a good manager. I prioritize and help others succeed. I have worked so hard to get where I am, and I know I am not stopping here.
November was by far the proudest moment for the year. I fought for a year to be clean from cutting and stay out of the hospital. And here, in December, or January now, I am still clean. I will fight every day because life has so much more to offer. I have been more willing to ask for help, and fight my tendencies. For me. I have lived, for me.
What did I learn? To stay. To learn and grow. To fight. To never, ever give up. Life gets better. The darkness turns to light. People change, learn, and overcome. You learn to move on from the past. You heal. Life is tough, but that does not mean it has to end. This year, I lived for me, and I am staying for me.
If you thought those milestones were enough for 2017, I neglected to mention moving to a new home, dating, breaking up, learning finances, and who knows what else. The point I wanted to make is that there were so many other twists and turns to get here. And no, I am not perfect. I made a ton of mistakes in 2017.
But what did I learn? 2017 is now the past, and I am living in the present to work for a brighter future. Because I love living, and I also love me.
