Announcer:

Welcome folks! For tonight's face-off we have two not-so-lean, fighting machines! In the left corner, with the weight of a thousand lies upon her, dressed all in blue, we have this years top choice for the election showdown! Fans may refer to her as the next Madame President, the Conniving Snake enters the ring! Best known for her newly found relationship with Michelle Obama, her heroic efforts in Benghazi, and her technological challenges (man folks, those emails really seem to delete themselves), she takes the stage! A fake smile left, a fake smile right, and a casual lean across the podium, and she's ready to go! Now on the right, we have her challenger weighing in with an overwhelming inflated ego that only an old, white, man from money would have the strength to carry, this year's underdog the Sexist Pig! You may be asking yourself how someone that has never wrestled before made it to this year's Election Heavyweight Championship, well folks, if you're asking that question, you must be an idiot! The Sexist Pig has had a long and prosperous career as a dog walker, and everyone knows that most wrestlers like animals, so it only makes sense that he would also be a fantastic wrestler! Best known for his quality spray tans, his charming and chivalrous behavior with women, and his astoundingly long political career, his fans go crazy!

(One side of the audience chants "I'm with her" and plans the aggravated assaults of anyone who disagrees with them as the other side screams "All lives Matter" while waving copies of the US Constitution with the second amendment highlighted and firing shotguns into the air haphazardly)

Okay folks, here goes round 1 where we will attempt to have an actual wrestling match. Alright, wrestlers shake hands, hum, wrestlers....?

(The Pig is angrily huffing and puffing in the corner, as a stray hair popped out of his combover, while the Snake is too busy smiling and waving to the audience to notice that she's supposed to be starting the match)

Alright folks, in the first round, the contenders will each attempt to recruit members from the audience to referee the match, they will need a team of nine. Their goal should be to maintain the integrity of the sport, while selecting the best participants for the job. And in a dash they're off, The snake immediately begins grabbing minorities and women, bringing them front and center to the stage. The Pig has yet to move, he's busy searching the crowd for fellow old white men that reek of money and power. Oh and what's this folks, over in the corner the Snake has taken her original judges back to the crowd and, I don't believe it folks, I could swear I just saw members of the anti-wrestling commission slide her a briefcase full of cash...and just like that, my God folks, she's chosen them as her judges. In the meantime, the Pig has abandoned his search for a quality referee and is actually out in the crowd... what's that he's got there? Does anyone know why he's gathering a rally of the Snake's former opponents? We're not sure, but the Snake seems unphased. Oops there we go, time's up round one is over...

(both contestants continue on as if the buzzer hasn't gone off.... the Pig stands atop a table screaming into the crowd about how the Snake shamed her former opponents, he seems to have forgotten completely about locating his nine referees. The snake is busy in the corner trying to figure out which referees to choose based on who has the most money down betting that she'll win).

Well since they don't appear to be stopping any time soon, we'll move on to round two. In round two the contenders will attempt to demonstrate why they are the better choice for the title of the Election Heavyweight Champion. Take it away... and they're off! The Snake begins leaked footage of the Pig saying he hates wrestling and all of it's fans, oh and there goes the Pig, he won't stand for such lies. He throws the projector across the room, breaking it and pointing to a sign he holds with the words "I love Wrestling Fanatics" on it. Well that settles it folks, the t-shirt clearly overwhelms the video evidence to the contrary, after all, who would lie just to win a championship. Oh, what's that he's got there? The pig uses the classic yet risky move, fans you all will know it as the Adulterating Husband Hold, he grabs the snake by the neck and attempts to rub her face in decade old poop... And OH MY GOD I DON'T BELIEVE IT, the snake breaks free of his hold without so much as a hair out of place.

Oh man, something's happening in the crowd, women are coming forward with complaints of the Pig having harassed them. The Snake leaps on her chance, throwing the women microphones so that they can be heard by all spectators. The Pig is clever though, he allows the women to inhale and exhale one syllable, before pointing out that his cheerleader is easily an 8.5, the complaining women are only 6.3's on a good day, therefore proving his innocence.

And that's time folks! Okay... well they're still going.... I guess we'll start round 3?

Round 3, the final round! This one's for all the marbles folks. The winner will leave here with the title of 2016 Election Heavyweight Champion! In this round, The contenders must simply keep invading fans out of the ring. Should be easy enough...

And just like that, the Pig is off! He's... he's.... I'm sorry folks, but, is he...is he building a wall around the arena? I think he is! Well I'll be darned.... And he's got his own gun to defend his wall. Let's check in on the Snake.... okay, I'm not sure she understood the instructions... it would appear that the Snake has given all her weapons to the invading fans and..... by God I don't believe my eyes, but she's she's.... she's taking down the existing arena rope to allow the fans full access to the ring.... Oh okay, I see now, she's climbing to safety atop a pile of money, while the rest of the ring is overtaken by rabid fans.....

*Buzzer Rings*

Well folks, that's a wrap.

(the Pig and the Snake continue what they're doing)

I said that's a wrap. The match is over.... come on

(Both contestants continue on as if nothing has happened)

Well folks in that case, I'll have to announce a winner.... The winner is, WAIT A SECOND, I DON'T BELIEVE MY EYES, there was a third and fourth contestant in the ring the whole time.... Hold your bets folks, you had more than two options this whole time! Who even knew?

..............