The 2016 GOP Presidential Candidates: As Told By Shakespeare
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The 2016 GOP Presidential Candidates: As Told By Shakespeare

I do desire we may be better strangers.

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The 2016 GOP Presidential Candidates: As Told By Shakespeare
CNN Politics

As the new year dawns on us, it brings many things –– commitments to health, wealth, new jobs and resolutions in general. It also brings with it a very exciting milestone in many millennials lives –– their very first presidential election. That is, the first one where their vote actually counts. As a college-aged woman, I try to keep myself pretty well-educated on the political scene, and I'm particularly interested in the variety of contestants we have running for the Republican party nomination (read: I'm terrified). From absolutely zero political experience, to wanting to build walls, refusing Muslim immigrants, setting women's rights back several decades, defunding Planned Parenthood and opposing the now-legal marriage equality law –– the list is quite extensive. A fun drinking game to play while watching debates, should you be of age, is to take a shot every time someone says the words "radical Islamic terrorism." Better have 9-11 dialed and ready to go.

This all being said, I feel as though Shakespeare would have the most fun picking fun at these goons running for office. Our favorite Bard might have had a few choice phrases for each of the oh-so-qualified candidates. Here's what he might have said:

About Ben Carson:

"O gull! O dolt! As ignorant as dirt!" (from Othello, Act 5 Scene 2)

About Chris Christie:

"Highly fed and lowly taught." (from All's Well That Ends Well, Act 2 Scene 2)

About Jeb Bush:

"False of heart, light of ear, bloody of hand." (from The Tragedy of King Lear, Act 3 Scene 4)

About Ted Cruz:

"Not so much brain as ear wax." (from Troilus and Cressida, Act 5 Scene 1)

About Carly Fiorina:

"Infinite and endless liar, an hourly promise-breaker." (from All's Well That Ends Well, Act 3 Scene 6)

About Jim Gilmore:

"All eyes and no sight." (from Troilus and Cressida, Act 1 Scene 2)

About Mike Huckabee:

"The soul of this man is his clothes." (from All's Well That Ends Well, Act 2 Scene 5)

About John Kasich:

"A fusty nut with no kernel." (from Troilus and Cressida, Act 2 Scene 1)

About Rand Paul:

"Thou art a boil. A plague sore, an embossed carbuncle in my corrupted blood." (from King Lear, Act 2 Scene 4)

About Rick Santorum:

"I wonder that you will still be talking. Nobody marks you." (from Much Ado About Nothing, Act 1 Scene 1)

About Marco Rubio:

"Tempt not too much the hatred of my spirit, for I am sick when I do look on thee." (from A Midsummer Night's Dream, Act 2 Scene 1)

About Donald Trump:

"Anointed sovereign of sighs and groans." (from Love's Labour's Lost, Act 3 Scene 1)

"All the infections that the sun sucks up." (from The Tempest, Act 2 Scene 2)

"Lump of foul deformity." (from Richard III, Act 1 Scene 2)

"Veriest varlet that ever chewed with a tooth." (from Henry IV Part 1, Act 2 Scene 2)

"More of your conversation would infect my brain." (from The Tragedy of Coriolanus, Act 2 Scene 1)

And, my personal favorite:

"Methinks thou art a general offence, and every man should beat thee. I think thou wast created for men to breathe themselves upon you." (from All's Well That Ends Well, Act 2 Scene 3)

Choose wisely, my friends.

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