It’s normal to have bad days or even bad weeks. Sometimes it seems like things literally cannot get any worse. The only fail-proof way to get out of that funk and forget about your problems? Watching an episode (or ten) of New Girl for Schmidt’s one-liners. Obviously, that’s pretty time-consuming, so instead, here are 20 quotes to instantly brighten your day.
1. “Pine has no place in this loft! It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses!”
2. “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.”
3. “Damn it! I can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere.”
4. “Nick is delicate. Like a flower. Like a chubby, damaged flower who hates himself.”
5. “Bathtubs are medieval filth cauldrons.”
6. “The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now."
7. “Please take that off. You look like a homeless pencil.”
8. “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this – prison?”
9. “You’re listening to the radio and writing with a pen? What decade are we in?”
10. “I don’t celebrate Christmas. Or, as I like to call it, ‘White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night.’”
11. “I can’t talk right now. I’m writing a strongly worded email to my florist.”
12. “Hey, M. Night Shyamalan. I’ve got a twist ending for you: shut up.”
13. “I can do anything I put my mind to. I once figured out Alyssa Milano’s phone number just by randomly choosing numbers.”
14. “It’s only romantic because it’s a wedding. I’d
be just as happy to sabotage, I don’t know, let’s say, her tax audit.”
15. “This is a horrible neighborhood. There are youths everywhere!"
16. “Can someone please get my towel? It's in my room next to my Irish walking cape."
17. “Damp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I'm being licked by a golden retriever.”
18. “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost!”
19. “I just want to come home, put on my ‘mono, and just hang loose, man.”
20. “She’s on a flip phone, Jess. I mean, she’s either poor or a time traveler.”
This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.
