The endless summer has come to an end—with a grand finale of 100% humidity and 95-degree weather—which means it is time for me retire from the popsicle business. This special summer job was filled with countless opportunities for me to really familiarize myself with different aspects of daily life. The people and the places and the popsicles have booked my summer with the strangest agenda and the most unique conversations. Embedded in those conversations was some quality gold, which is why I have listed 20 of those dialogues below. As I would tell my customers, “Enjoy!”
1. Coconut Lemongrass
Customer: What’s the coconut lemongrass like?
Me: It’s basically a pina colada.
Customer: Oh! Is it alcoholic?
Me: No mam. It wouldn’t be able to freeze.
Customer: Eh what the heck I’ll take one.
2. Thai Tea
Customer 1: This tastes like pot.
Customer 2: Nah it tastes like coconut.
Me: Hm. I think it tastes like vanilla.
*Customers nod in agreement*
Customer 1: Thanks for POTsicle brother!
*Customers laugh and walk away*
3. Peach Pear
Carriage Driver: Peach Pear! What in God’s name?
Me: I don’t know man. It’s new.
Carriage Driver: Ya’ll messing it up. What’s that mojito doing in that watermelon?
*Salesmen laughs*
Carriage Driver: You ever had pear salad?
Me: No.
Carriage Driver: Ya’ll’s generation… I swear. Hey Mike! You remember pear salad?
Mike: Sure do! They used to serve in it the schools. Nasty as hell though.
Carriage Driver: Mhmm.
Mike: Every sixties and seventies kid ate pear salad.
*Mike exits*
Carriage Driver: Yeah the pear was cut in half and you’d have these dips of mayonnaise. Then it just about sat on a bed of lettuce.
Me: Oh. Yeah I’ve never had it.
Carriage Driver: I tell ya, you try the salad and I’ll try that god awful peach pear. We got ourselves a deal?
Me: Deal.
*Both men shake hands*
4. Arnold Palmer
Me: Arnold Palmer? Yeah it’s basically an ice cube of the drink.
Customer: What drink?
Me: Arnold Palmer
*Customer laughs at gullible salesmen*
Customer: Yeah what is that?
Me: Oh. It’s like sweet tea and lemonade.
Customer: Hm.
Me: Named after the golfer.
Customer: You golf?
Me: Used to, but I gave it up. I cursed too much.
5. Chocolate Sea Salt
Customer: Is that like really salty?
Me: Not really. I mean it’s got a kick to it.
*Customer mulls it over*
Customer: Does the salt come from the sea?
6. Peaches N’Cream
Customer: Peaches N’Cream!
Me: Yeah you want that one?
Customer: Nah I like that song though.
Me: Which song?
Customer: Peaches N’Cream.
Me: Oh, by who?
Customer: Snoop Doggy Dog!
7. Blackberry Orange Margarita
Customer: Margarita! Is it actually alcoholic?
8. Honey Lavender
Customer: How would you describe the honey lavender?
Me: How would I describe it? It tastes like soap.
9. Watermelon Mojito
Mom: Okay kids which ones do you want?
Kid: Red!
Me: I got watermelon mojito. It’s red if that works?
Mom: What’s the mojito like? It’s not alcoholic is it?
Me: No mam. It’s basically a minty watermelon.
Mom: He won’t like that. Give him one of those… chocolate sea salts.
10. Watermelon Mint
Customer: Watermelon mint?
Me: Yep.
Customer: Any good?
Me: Oh yeah. I mean that’s what I’m supposed to say. Right?
11. Grapefruit Mint
Customer: Grape please!
Me: It’s grapefruit. Is that okay?
Customer. Oh.
*Customer looks back at chalkboard.*
Customer: Yeah that’s fine.
Me: Oh and it has mint.
Customer: Never mind.
*Customer sulks and walks away.*
12. Blackberry Mojito
Customer: Mojito? Does that have alcohol in it?
13. Blueberry Lemongrass
Customer: Is that just blueberry or both or just lemongrass…
Me: Both lemongrass and blueberry.
Customer: Hm.
Me: It’s basically a blueberry lemonade. And it’s made with actual blueberries. It’s really good. I wouldn’t lie to you.
*Customer buys a cookies and cream.*
14. Pina Colada
Customer: No alcohol right?
Me: No alcohol.
15. Coconut Banana Orange
Customer: What’s your favorite?
Me: Today?
*Feigns a look at the chalkboard*
Me: Probably the Coconut Banana Orange
Customer: What’s that like?
Me: You can’t really taste the orange, but the coconut is pretty tasty. And there’s a few banana chunks thrown in there.
Customer: I’ll take it.
16. Peanut Butter & Jelly
Customer: You selling sandwiches?
Me: No. Popsicles.
Customer: Then why you got PB&J?
Me: Because it’s a popsicle.
Customer: Shit alright. Gimme one.
Me: Sure thing.
*Opens wrapper for customer.*
Me: It’s got a banana in the middle.
Customer: Really?
*Takes a lick*
Customer: You like dirty jokes?
17. Blueberry Lemongrass
Anxious mother: Hi give me a blueberry. Thank you.
Me: It’s blueberry lemongrass.
Anxious mother: Oh.
Me: Basically blueberry lemonade.
Anxious mother: That’s fine I guess.
*Kid squirms*
Anxious mother: Jonathan get your head out of there!
Me: It’s cool.
Jonathan: Is it cold in there?
Me: Sure is, little man.
*Salesmen hands Mom the popsicle.*
Me: Give me two bucks and you can have five minutes in the cooler.
Jonathan: Really?!
Anxious mother: Jonathan let’s go.
18. Oreo Cheesecake
Carriage Driver: What you reading, the bible?
Me: No.
*Closes book.*
Me: It’s about women in Afghanistan.
Carriage Driver: I’ve been there.
Me: Really?
Carriage Driver: Yep. Me and every other soldier.
Me: Oh. Cool.
Carriage Driver: No. HOT! I hope these popsicles are cool though.
Me: Oh yes sir they are.
Carriage Driver: That Oreo Cheesecake is black or white?
Me: Little bit of both.
Carriage Driver: Hm. You ain't got peach?
Me: Not today.
Carriage Driver: Alright I’ll try the cheesecake. But it ain’t sound like a popsicle.
19. Apple Kale Ginger
Customer: Apple Kale Ginger. Gross!
Me: Yeah I don’t recommend that one.
Customer: No kidding.
20. Avocado Brownie
Customer: You see, I like avocados. And I like brownies. But the two of them together? I’m a little skeptical.
Me: That one is honestly my favorite. I wish they’d pack it every time.
Customer: Is it healthy?
Me: Probably not.
And there you have it, 20 new flavors for you to search and destroy.
