I wasn't raised in a household that went to church every Sunday or prayed before every meal, but we all had a belief in God. In elementary school my mom, my little sister and I started to attend church for about a year and as time went on, we went less and less, until we eventually stopped going. I had always found church boring and felt out of the loop, and everyone seemed to have this connection with God and the holy spirit that I just couldn't understand, so I wasn't too mad about this decision.
My mom later became sick when I reached middle school, and I wanted to do anything I possibly could to make her better and back to her normal self. This meant sucking up how much I hated church, reading the bible over and over again, and going to church with my cousin every Sunday praying something miraculous would happen.
After about a year and half of this, nothing happened. She didn't seem to get any better, actually worse if anything. I started to become angry, hopeless, and faithless. I stopped going to church, stopped praying, and eventually deemed the whole entire religion and God as unreal, and considered myself an atheist.
Four years later, my mom went into remission with no reason, no cure, and no saying as to why, but it just happened. This, in my mind, only supported my evidence more that God was a fraud because I hadn't prayed in probably four years, and he answered my prayers so long after? Yeah, okay.
It took until my second year of college, when I, myself, hit rock bottom and needed something to believe in. After a bad breakup, the overwhelming stress of college, slew of obstacles and heartache that brought me to my knees asking, "What now?". I had nothing to turn to, or answers for why my life felt like it was overwhelmingly spiraling out of control. To put in perspective how depressed I became, I hadn't left my bed in two weeks or gone to class, and when I did leave it was to drink a whole bottle of liquor. Oh, and I got a dog and a tattoo on a whim. The only thing left to do, was try to turn to God, again. Now this doesn't mean I go to church every single Sunday or pray before every meal, but I pray when I'm in need and thank Him when things go the right way, and find comfort in readings and prayers. For the first time in my whole life though, I feel that connection that I could never understand when I was younger.
I didn't realize how much I needed this in my life, but knowing there is something to always turn to when life becomes too much is one of the most comforting feelings in the world. Through reading and bible study, I've learned that maybe taking so long for my mom to get better was all part of God's plans because in that time I learned so many life lessons and responsibilities that I would have never learned, and made everyone in my family stronger as a whole, but also as a unit. I'm not a perfect person, and life isn't always perfect, either. I've come to terms with the fact that whether you believe in God or not, it's important to have a rock and something to put your all into that is stress-free.
Many other people had our family in their prayers, and I believe that was stronger than my doubt in my faith.
