19 Things I'd Rather Do Than Respect Donald Trump

1. One night over winter break I was watching Game of Thrones with my roommate. I’d introduced the show to her like a week earlier, and we were about to finish the first season, right about to start that part, when, suddenly, the wifi went out. It was down. And I was crushed.

I would repeat this night like Groundhog’s Day before respecting a rapist.

2. I’d rather get bedbugs than respect someone who mocked a reporter for having a disability.

3. I’d room with Jar Jar Binks before respecting someone who called a lawyer requesting a break to pump breast milk “disgusting.”

4. I’d joyfully submerge myself in a vat of boiling oil before respecting someone who blacklisted journalists during his campaign for unfavorable reports.

5. I’d set myself on fire seventeen times before respecting someone who claimed that not paying federal income taxes “makes me smart.”

6. I’d willingly eat black licorice before respecting someone who took the time out of an actual party nominee discussion forum to brag about the size of his penis.

7. I’d suffer through middle school all over again before ever respecting someone who called Sen. Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas.” I can’t even digest the weight of my rage on this issue, so I’ll conserve it to three short bursts: Pocahontas was a real woman of a tragic, troubling story the Powhatan nation asserts Euro-Americans “should find embarrassing”; Sen. Warren deserves the basic courtesy of calling her by her name; and it’s insulting to imply that calling someone "Pocahontas" is somehow disparaging.

8. I’d give up carbs, sugars, and fats before respecting someone who mocked a fellow party candidate by exclaiming “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president? I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?

9. I’m just gonna post that again. Please take the time to read every word. “Look at that face! Would anyone vote for that? Can you imagine that, the face of our next president? I mean, she’s a woman, and I’m not supposed to say bad things, but really, folks, come on. Are we serious?”

10. I’d literally chew the skin off my hands before respecting someone who called all Mexicans rapists.

11. I’d lick the floor of a men’s locker room at the YMCA before respecting someone who called Rosie O’Donnell a “big, fat pig.” I don’t even know who Rosie O’Donnell is but I know that’s uncalled for, especially from a person of such influence and celebrity as Trump. He’s a bully. Even so, please notice I am not calling Trump a “big, fat pig,” because that’s fucking rude.

12. I would intentionally dislocate my hip before respecting someone who looked at two 14-year-old children and said “Wow! Just think. In a couple of years, I’ll be dating you.”

In case you forgot what a child is, that’s a young and vulnerable person whom it is frightening and disturbing to say such things to.

13. I’d gladly ram bamboo sticks under my fingernails before respecting someone who said, following an interview by Fox news anchor Megyn Kelly, “She gets out there and she starts asking me all sorts of ridiculous questions, and you could see there was blood coming out of her eyes, blood coming out of her wherever.”

14. I would rather journey into Hell, witness the various torments contained therein, and emerge a shaken man than respect someone who disrespected Sen. John McCain’s military service because he was captured and taken as a prisoner of war.

15. I’d devote my life to proofing the same Geometry problems over and over before respecting someone who ever, in their life, said that “laziness is a trait in blacks.”

16. I’d chew rocks before respecting someone who called a Latina Miss Universe contestant “Miss Housekeeping” or “Miss Piggy.”

17. I’d jab keys into my earholes before respecting someone who encouraged supporters to assault protesters at rallies. Trump later claimed he "did not condone that at all." Alternately, here is a list of every time Trump has condoned that.

18. I would eat legit cat food before respecting someone who asserted he would force the military to commit illegal war crimes.

19. I’d give up all happiness forever before respecting a politician who declared that he “could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody, and [he] wouldn’t lose voters."

Hi. What the fuck?

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