There are moms. There are crazy moms. And then there are crazy Jewish moms. I have one of those myself, Judy. She has educated me for the past 21 years about how crazy one pint-sized woman can really be. And let me tell you—it's pretty crazy. If your mom demonstrated any of these things, then congrats—she's probably a CJM (Crazy Jewish Mom).
(^ Taken after she was released from her straight jacket)
1. She Knows everything You Do
CJMs literally know everything about your life. I swear to G-d it's like they have a 6th sense—specialized in what you did last night.
"So lemme guess, Max, ya lost ya wallet, didn't ya? Is that why you're cawlin' me?"
Yes, Judy, I did lose my wallet. Am I going to try and lie about it? Yes. Will you know without me telling you? Sadly.
2. She Buys Your Love Through Food
"Aw Max, I'm sorry. Are ya hungry?"
Yes, Judy, I'm always hungry, thank you for your condolences.
3. She "Tawkz Lyke This"
The quintessence of a CJM is most likely reigning from one of the five boroughs of New York (Judes represents Canarsie, Brooklyn just about every day of her life) or LawnguyLand. If they are at level of CJM I am thinking of, they probably haven't lost the accent. Think Fran Drescher meets 12-year-old girl from the hood. There's Judy.
4. If You Don't Speak To Your Siblings She Gets Mad
"Ya know, Max, ya sist-a is always gonna be in ya lyfe—you betta tawk ta her!!"
Judy, I spoke to her a week ago. I think she's still alive. We're good.
5. If You Don't Speak To Her She Gets Really Mad
(^ Judy, if I don't call her for a week)
If any more than four days goes by before I talk to that woman again, I already know she's picking up the phone like, "Ohhhh, look who it issss—my lawng lawst son. Oh my gawd, I didn't even know I had a son!"
5. She Either Plays Mahjong Or Really Wants To
I literally have no idea what the hell Mahjong is, but I can piece together that it's probably for middle-aged Jewish women because Judy is obsessed. Has she ever played? No. Does she act like she plays? Yes.
6. She's Very Loud
When she calls your name from the other room, trust me, you can hear it.
7. She Acts Like She Knows Everything
(^ real life Judy replica)
CJMs feel as if they know everything in the world. Even if they have no idea.
"Yo Ma, what's "bashful" mean?"
"Oh, ya know, it's lyke when ya know, ya bash, but ya also kinda ful."
8. She Embarrasses You In Front Of Everyone
(^ Me, every time I'm with Judy)
It's like CJMs get high off of embarrassing their poor children. Can I even recount the amount of times my friends have laughed at my expense? I cannot.
9. She's Dramatic AF
CJMs are dramatic AF. It's in their nature.
*Judy has cold*
"Oh my gawd, Max, I'm dyin'. I'm dyin'. This is it fa' me. See ya neva."
10. She Guilts You Into Everything
Everything I have ever done for Judy was because she guilted me into it. Literally, everything.
Judy: "Oh wow there are just so many bags in the cawr...if only there was someone in the world who could, ya know, help me bring 'em into the house...if only...."
"Fine, Judy—I'll do it!"—my response after every request.
11. She Feels The Need To Feed Everyone
The first thing CJMs do when your friends or family come over is shove some food down their throat. It's just known fact at this point.
12. She's A "Yenta"
"Yenta" is a Yiddish word for someone who wants to know everything. It was actually named after CJMs because those bitches are obsessed with your life.
Judy: "So, how was ya day? How are ya classes? Are ya passin'? How's ya social lyfe? Are ya datin' anyone? You betta be usin' protection!"
Enough, woman!
13. She Probably Makes Bomb-Ass Matzah Ball Soup
This applies to all the regular CJMs. Judy inherited every other CJM quality except for cooking ability. Still love ya.
14. She's Brutally Honest
If there's one thing CJMs do, it's tell ya like it is. Back when I was a huge whale (fat kids, unite!), Judy literally told me this:
"Ya know, Max, it kinda looks like ya stuck ya finga in a light socket and got blown up." *Cries with laughter*
Honesty is the best policy, right?
15. She Encourages You To Live Life
(^ Judy, as a crab)
CJMs are very supportive of their kids. Being that they are already crazy themselves, they want you to go out and have your own fun, too. Judes never said no to me going out or sleeping over a friend's house. Her leniency made me who I am today. Ten points to you, CJMs.
16. She Is Always Down To Help
CJMs are always down to support you in your time of need.
17. She Probably Wants You To Marry Someone Jewish...
Classic CJMs are probably tryna keep their little baby boys and girls as Jewish as possible. Those other boys/girls just couldnt' handle the craziness. Judes doesn't care actually, so all religions, feel free to holla at me.
18. She Has Some Swag
(^J-Dog stays flexin')
All CJMs have their own unique swag—which is why everyone respects them. They've been around the block, and you know they won't bullshit you. This is probably why everyone likes my mom more than me.
19. She Could Be Your BFF
(^ Sh*t Judy says)
CJMs are out of their mind, but they are pretty cool. You might as well befriend them.
20. She Loves You Unconditionally
CJMs will love you no matta what. S/O to Judy for keepin' it real.
Whether you've got one CJM or two, you know at the end of the day they have your back.
And at the end of the day—you know that you better call them, or they'll kick your ass.
