When I was in elementary school, I learned that Pluto was the ninth planet. The class would recite, "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas!" and beam with pride for remembering Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune, and, um, Mickey's dog from Disney cartoons. A+. A few years later, a different science teacher alerted us that Pluto was actually a dwarf planet, too small to be listed alongside the others we'd memorized. This change of the facts felt cruel at the time. I remember hearing that Train song, "Drops of Jupiter," on the radio and sadly considering how nobody wanted to write about Pluto's tears anymore.
In contrast with the 2006 disposal of Pluto's planetary status, we are presented with a 2016 message of hope: that there may be a true ninth planet. Mass: ~10x Earth's. Orbit: ~20x Earth's distance from the sun. Planet Nine (as it is currently being called) hasn't been found, but objects that have been found, and have contributed to working models of our solar system, show orbits that seem to signal Planet Nine's presence. Hopefully someone will discover it soon and quell any doubts, but for now, let's play around with some names for the newest addition to elementary school recitations.
These 19 names are also the names from Roman mythological gods:
1. Carmenta
The goddess of childbirth and prophecy. She makes sense because this planet has been theorized without being directly observed--and that makes me think of prophecy. Plus, Planet Nine's new to us--the babiest planet we have!
2. Vulcan
When I found out that Vulcan was a Roman god (just now), I immediately did this:
3. Palaemon
The little sea god pictured below holding his mom's hand? That could be Planet Nine. Palaemon is the guardian of ships, and it's cool to imagine spaceships going all the way to the furthest-envisioned reaches of our solar system.
4. Vesta
We need more goddesses in this mix (most of the already-named planets are male!). Vesta is the virgin goddess of the hearth, home, and family. Planet Nine could cozy right up to the preexisting planet fam with this name.
5. Diana
Goddess of the hunt and the moon. Diana is one of those REALLY impressive, kick-butt figures that simply deserves a planet. The reasoning kind of ends there.
6. Cupid
Speaking of kick-butt, here's wound-butt. I kind of think that having a planet named Cupid would be dumb, but what if they officially discover Planet Nine on Valentine's Day?? Then there will be no other option.
7. Victoria
#Winning.
8. Apollo
I love the Rocky movies. The recent film Creed did a good job honoring Apollo Creed, but there is still more we can do.
9. Ceres
She is the goddess of agriculture. This would be a sarcastic name, because how on Earth could wheat grow on Planet Nine??
10. Bacchus
The god of wine wants his own planet. If you come to his planet... just imagine the parties.
11. Bowie?!
(I broke the Roman deity trend. But there was a lot of support for this idea! Sadly, it isn't gonna happen.)
12. Somnus
The god of sleep. He lives over the river of forgetfulness. These traits form a very distant personality that might be appropriate for such a far-out planet.
13. Bellona
Goddess of warfare. We want a strong, threatening name for our outermost planet, in case aliens attack us. Right?
14. Janus
The two-faced god of doorways. A scientific discovery is a lot like a doorway. Naming Planet Nine after this god would pay homage to astronomical discoveries past, present, and future.
15. Libertas
The Statue of Liberty is already associated with this goddess, but I wouldn't hesitate to name Planet Nine after the ideal of liberty.
16. Orcus
Another god of the underworld, like our old friend Pluto.
17. Minerva
My friends at Bryn Mawr College will support this idea (Minerva's like, the Roman Athena). Wisdom, arts, trade, strategy. It's surprising that none of the other planets are named after Minerva yet; she is a big deal.
18. Juno
Juno took care of the women of Rome. Great job, Juno. Have a planet named after you.
19. Pomona
One cool thing about naming Planet Nine after Pomona would be resurrecting "My Very Educated Mother Just Served Us Nine Pizzas." She was the goddess of fruit trees and orchards. Someone else can come up with a metaphorical meaning for Pomona's relevance here; I'm kinda done.
