There’s something about a first date that I will never be comfortable with. There are thousands of things that can go wrong and ruin your whole night with the cute girl from Spanish class that you worked up all of you courage to ask out. Her agreeing to go on the date with you in the first place is a miracle, but it’ll take a whole load of second and third miracles to happen in order for the date to go on without a hitch (or, if you’re lucky, you’ll be hitched by the end of the night (tequila will ensure it). So, here are some common thing that happen on loads of first dates, along with some ways to prevent them from ever happening in the first place.
1. Your date choking on food. The only thing you know about the Heimlich Maneuver is how to spell check it.
How to Prevent: Taking him/her to a Panera and hoping they only order soup.
2. Correcting their grammar on accident.
How to Prevent: Being a nice person and only cringing on the inside when you hear their ignorance.
3. Them correcting your grammar. You were practicing being sophisticated for a whole week beforehand and then they had to open their bigly mouth about it.
How to Prevent: Learning to gooder grammar
4. Farting. Them or you. Either way it will be horrific.
How to Prevent: Avoiding all spicy food for three weeks before the date.
5. Being a boring human being.
How to Prevent: Memorizing the Encyclopedia Britannica. Specifically the section on the Sea Cucumber.
6. Talking about your best friend’s ears.
How to Prevent: Don't mention your best friend’s ears, no matter how floppy they are or how little you remember from the Sea Cucumber section you were supposed to memorize the night before.
7. Breaking your wrist.
How to Prevent: Don't wear roller-skates to a Panera or try to impress your date by karate chopping the table.
8. Your date being extremely allergic to the food.
How to Prevent: Avoid most allergenic places for dinner, especially the popular restaurants Farmer Jim’s Nuts & Pork Butts or the largely successful seafood place Be Sea, Not Herd.
9. Your pants falling off.
How to Prevent: Wear super thick overalls with titanium clasps.
10. The water splashes you from the sink and it looks like you peed your pants.
How to Prevent: Wear swim trunks over your super thick overalls or coat your overalls in the water-proof spray you use for your sneakers.
11. Your date making out with the waiter.
How to Prevent: Request a waiter without a face.
12. Smelling awful.
How to Prevent: Cover yourself in a scent they are bound to like. For example, the new cologne Astronaut Musk or Freshly Spilled Gasoline.
13. Your hands dripping with sweat.
How to Prevent: Carry a bag of powder with you to dry your hands.
14: Falling out of your chair.
How to Prevent: Wear velcro on your bottom.
15. You calling your date by the wrong name.
How to Prevent: Ask them to wear a name tag when you pick them up.
I hope this list helps you with all of your anxiety that may accompany your first date, whenever it is! Good luck with the cute guy/girl from Spanish class!
