Unless you’ve been kidnapped and are being held captive in some sort of abandoned storage unit with no access to cable or the Internet, you’re likely aware of last week’s Super Tuesday primaries. In case you do fall into the incredibly specific demographic of “People held captive in said storage unit,” and are just now emerging from captivity, here’s a little update: 11 states just held their primary elections and Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are the Republican and Democrat front-runners, respectively. Well, it’s been a week since Super Tuesday, and the fate of our country looks just as dismal as the day Donald Trump announced his presidential campaign.
Trump’s campaign was fun to watch for about 0.2 seconds, but now his rallies are starting to feel a little too close to The Reaping scene from “The Hunger Games” for comfort. With outrageous statements and dictatorial rhetoric, Trump becoming president is probably the worst possible outcome of this election, next to, maybe, an actual gremlin from “The Gremlins” being elected.
Now, here are 15 other terrible things that are preferable to Trump becoming president.
15. Getting eaten alive by a rabid domestic cat.![]()
Now imagine it's this cat. And it can talk.
14. Netflix buffering for the same amount of time it would’ve taken you to watch the latest season of “House of Cards.”
I guess you'll never get to see Frank Underwood's latest political shenanigans.
13. Having a prom night similar to Carrie’s, but you don’t possess telekinetic powers, so you just dejectedly walk home covered in pig’s blood.
How has this not happened at a Trump rally?
12. Being pecked to death by ducklings.
Coincidentally, all these ducks are named Donald.
11. Watching every single “Dance Moms” tantrum on loop until your brains melt out of your ears.
Hey, Trump, take the hint.
10. Tearing off each of your fingernails one by one, and then having to eat them in a bowl of milk like cereal.
Maybe Rebecca Black should run for president.
9. Only watching Nicholas Cage movies for the rest of your life.
"National Treasure," however, will always be one of America's greatest masterpieces.
8. Everyone you love forgetting your birthday and celebrating the birthday of your arch nemesis with the ice cream cake that was supposed to be yours.
Someone should tell Trump he can't have his cake and eat it, too.
7. Eating a raw onion, vomiting as a result and then consuming the vomit.
>Ogres are like onions, Trump is like an ogre. Therefore, Trump probably has onion breath.
6. Being the hero of a movie, but that movie is “The Room” pre-cult following days, and you’re a completely self-aware Tommy Wiseau.
It's like ...
5. Doing the entire Kardashian family’s laundry every day for the rest of your life with only a tiny saucer of gruel as compensation for your work.
Thinking about a Trump presidency like ...
4. Having your middle school ID picture on display in Times Square.
How we all looked after seeing the Super Tuesday results.
3. Watching this election from President Obama’s perspective.
Very sorry you have to witness this, Mr. President.
2. You’re Ben Wyatt. Every day for the rest of eternity is Ice Town.
If only Ben Wyatt weren't fictional and could be our next president.
1. Ted Cruz getting elected instead of Trump, and then confessing to actually being the Zodiac Killer.
Stranger things have happened.
All of these things are terrible, but pick the lesser of the two evils this election season. Go vote, and keep Trump out of the Oval Office.
