When your mother is a registered dietitian, things around the house can get interesting. Growing up, my friends were eating pop tarts for breakfast, and I was drinking soy milk and mixing dried Montmorency cherries into my steel-cut oatmeal. And to be honest, for a long time, I didn’t know how strange that was. Then I started high school, and everything I took for granted as ‘normal’ suddenly turned upside down. Not everyone says ‘eat the rainbow’ when they are trying to add colorful fruits and vegetables to their plate. Not everyone reads the labels on junk food wrappers and announces that a simple candy bar contains more fat than a cheeseburger.
But these are typical occurrences for me. My mom is the Director of Clinical Nutrition and Wellness at St. Joseph Mercy Hospital and is the Team Dietitian for the Detroit Red Wings. Here are 15 signs that your mom is a dietitian.
1. No one would ever trade anything with me from my lunch at school.
While most kids’ lunches include a fruit roll-up and cheez-its, mine would have a bag of fruit, greek yogurt and organic string cheese. Needless to say, I was never successful in trading my food, unless someone had a craving for celery that day.
2. There are more pictures of vegetables on her phone than of me.
We can’t go to a farmers’ market without stopping at every booth to take pictures of the “pretty vegetables.” We have even gotten yelled at before, because my mother insists on taking pictures of food even when the vendors post “No photos allowed” signs. They’re just suggestions, she says.
3. We have cricket powder in our house. And, yes, it is what it sounds like.
Apparently, dried and crushed crickets are a sustainable form of protein, and will help sustain the planet some day. “It’s 20 years ahead of its time!” says my mother. Jimminy Cricket does not approve, and neither do I. If our planet gets to the point where we are eating insects, then I’m getting in line now for the Mars X mission!
4. Congratulations, mom, you have officially ruined brownies.
In our house, you’re never really sure what you are eating. Dietitians are masters of substitutions. You see, anything that can be made….can be made healthy. One day, I came home to the aroma of fresh-baked brownies. I eagerly ate one, then asked my mom what the special occasion was. She said that she was trying a new recipe. Hmmm. Okay, what’s new about these brownies, I ask. “I switched the butter with black beans,” she cheerfully responded. Other examples include ‘healthy’ Oreos (by the way, what is the fun in that?), algae milk, and chocolate infused with garlic (because normal chocolate is just too basic?). And chicken noodle soup at our house? It doesn’t have chicken in it. Yes, I’m serious.
5. Getting a package in the mail is, well, interesting.
Like most kids, I used to love opening up packages when they arrive at the house. Not anymore, and here’s why. I once opened a package and it had a lovely box in it with a label saying it was hot chocolate. Yum! Upon further investigation, this particular hot chocolate product was made out of mushrooms! Another time, I opened a tightly sealed styrofoam box that had some beautiful flowers in it. Why the flowers, I asked my mom. Oh, those are edible, honey! Edible flowers and mushroom hot chocolate? Every time I open a new package I feel like Alan finding a tiger in the bathtub in the Hangover. Next time I’m home, I’m switching the address on our mailbox with our neighbors’. Bon Appetit!
6. She makes up words. I swear she does.
“Our house is packed with micronutrient dense food, which is high on the ORAC scale, so it allows you to recover faster by pairing the unpaired electrons that would do damage with the antioxidants. And it lengthens our telomeres to help prevent premature aging. Things like Chaga, Lion’s Mane, Cordyceps, Reishi, Moringa Powder, Maca Root, Matcha, Goji Berries, and Beet Boost are all high on the ORAC scale.” No, this was not a line of dialogue from Professor Snape’s potions class. This was a direct quote from my mom. Just a few minutes ago. Really.
7. One time I called my mom and a Detroit Red Wing answered.
So this one is pretty cool. Because my mom is the Team Sports Dietitian for the Detroit Red Wings, I got to tag along and meet some pretty interesting, and sometimes famous, people. For example, I have worked the Detroit Red Wings Prospect Camp during the pre-season for the last few years. And during the season, I get to help out - like making homemade granola bars for the players for their road trips, or picking up cold-pressed juice turmeric shots from Urge for game days.
8. BORDER AGENT TO MY MOM: Excuse me, ma’am, we need you to step out of line.
For most families, traveling is an adventure. For our family, international travel in particular can be downright sketchy. Imagine trying to get through customs with an entire backpack stuffed with little clear plastic bags full of a variety of plants and powders. I am not making this up. You see, when we travel my mother likes to visit local markets and buy various spices and teas. She gets excited about trying them when we get home. The drug-dogs get excited about sniffing them when we are in line going through customs. You see the dilemma. It would be hard to count the number of times we have been stopped so they can test her tea and make sure it’s not drugs.
9. On the plus side, we would probably be survivors of a zombie apocalypse.
Our kitchen and dining room halls are lined with box upon box of protein powder and energy bars. Nutrition-wise, we would have no problem outliving the living. As for the undead? As long as they don’t like cricket powder, I think we’d be in the clear.
10. Peanut butter sandwiches in the Grand Tetons.
We camped a lot when I was growing up. We camped and hiked Yosemite, Yellowstone, Joshua Tree and other national parks. Which is great. Slightly less than great? Our lunch menu every day on the trail was the following: peanut butter sandwiches, granola, energy bars and bottled waters. I know, that doesn’t sound so bad. It’s not, until the fifth, sixth, seventh and eighth day.
She can never order something as it is. She asks millions of questions then essentially makes her own new menu item entirely.
12. Hey, try this. What’s in it? Just try it… then I’ll tell you.
Not two seconds ago, my mom told my dad to try a glass of ‘milk.’ “What’s it made of,” he asked, knowing it wasn’t actually milk. Her response: just try it. This is a common conversation in our house.
13. “Good Morning class, Allia’s mom is here to talk to you about Nutrition.”
Every school year, my health and gym teachers find out she’s a dietitian - and she works with professional and Olympic athletes. Fine. Then they invite her to speak to my class. I spend the rest of the school year answering questions from my classmates about whether or not something has my mom’s seal of approval.
14. While most dogs steal steak dinners and chocolate, mine tear open boxes filled with spirulina and chlorella.
A few years ago, we received a package of Energy Bits in the mail – Energy Bits are organic tablets made of spirulina and chlorella, which is essentially a special algae mix containing the highest concentration of protein in the world. My dog tore a hole in the box and devoured every packet. One upside – this explains why she was able to break free from her leash, which was tied to our front porch. After that protein-loading session, she could probably have bench-pressed my dad’s lawn tractor.
15. It can have its perks.
Yes, it was frustrating to never have a bag of Doritos in my lunch, and to answer nutrition questions on a daily basis, but in the end it has made my life a unique adventure. I have met a lot of really interesting people, attended cool events -- like the London and Vancouver Olympics, had access to limitless supplies of granola bars and greek yogurt, and made a lot of memories (that usually make people laugh)...Plus, she has quite a few hangover cures.
