1. This is going to be a great trash watch.

2. I haven't seen this movie since I was, what, 13? 14? I'm 21 now.

3. Ah, middle school. Those were the days, of hell, that is.

4. I wonder if all those kids who were mean to me are still jerks.

5. OK, so there's a deer. And now the deer is running. And there's a thing chasing it.

6. Oh, right, vampire. Duh.

7. Why Is Bella holding that cactus like that?

8. Oh, yeah, I forgot she initially lived in Phoenix.

9. What is up with this lame voiceover? Why is there the need for this ridiculously overbearing exposition?

10. I forgot that the term "nuanced" doesn't make its way into this movie.

11. Charlie! Ugh, I forgot about Charlie. He was the best.

12. Why didn't she write a book about him? Now that would be a great book.

13. Charlie Swan: Vampire Hunter sounds like a good title.

14. Yep. Pitching that idea.

15. Does Bella always hold her mouth open like that?

16. Oh, look, she's still holding the cactus.

17. Aww, Charlie got her a cute bedspread. He's a keeper.

18. Her room is kinda cool.

19. Damn, this girl is popular at her school.

20. I forgot all the boys wanted her.

21. I don't understand why. Her personality is flatter than Kansas. Ugh.

22. She's the worst. I hate Bella Swan. Why am I watching this?

23. Anna Kendrick is in this movie?

24. Oh my God, that is literally Anna Kendrick.

25. And Suzy Crabgrass?

26. This movie is full of surprises.

27. Oh boy, here come the Cullens.

28. Yo, Emmet is my favorite, real talk.

29. Aww, poor Jasper, always looking like he's hemorrhaging on the inside.

30. And there's Edward.

31. Dang, I forgot how hot Robert Pattinson is.

32. He kinda looks like he's got gas, though.

34. I hate Edward. Why does he have to be hot?

35. Well, there's that brooding look he's permanently wearing.

36. Drinking game idea: take a shot for every time Edward looks broodingly at the camera.

37. Wait, never mind. You'd get alcohol poisoning. Bad idea.

38. Biology class really intensifies that brooding expression.

39. Her scent just blew on him with that well-placed fan.

40. Now he looks like he's hemorrhaging inside, too.

41. This is awkward.

42. Woof, he's so rude to her. I would knock him out. Why doesn't she?

43. Oh, because she's Bella Swan and is incapable of doing anything for herself.

44. Oops, now he wants to switch classes to get away from her.

45. I want pizza.

46. Ugh, Robert Pattinson's smile, though. *melts*

47. Oh, Bella, you would be the one to almost get smashed by a van.

48. Her friend driving it is so cute, though. She should date him.

49. How is she not screaming at almost getting hit by a van? I would be crying.

50. Edward literally is like "Saved your life" and then just hops over the van and goes merrily on his vampire way.

51. Aw, Charlie, concerned parent. I love him.

52. I'm telling you, a book about Charlie would be off the charts.

53. Well there's Taylor Lautner with his terrible haircut again.

54. I wonder if he's still hot. What's he up to nowadays?

55. She invites Edward on a date and he doesn't show up. Rude.

56. There's Suzy Crabgrass again.

57. Oh, right, this is where she almost gets attacked by that gang of hoodlums.

58. I love how Edward aggressively speeds at them in a Volvo. So threatening.

59. Ugh, I hate how he talks to her.

60. Well, he bought her dinner. I guess that's nice.

61. Girl, you better eat that ravioli or else I will. Humph, wasteful.

62. Carlisle! I love Carlisle. Write a book about him, too.

63. Welp, here's the montage of Bella searching vampire on the internet.

64. I swear, these are in every teen movie.

65. She knows, Edward! She knows what you are!

66. And now he's following her into the woods. Eck, he's so creepy.

67. The Bad Lipreading video of this scene was pure gold.

68. Well, now he's having a temper tantrum in the woods, taking his vampire aggression out on that poor tree.

69. And now he's sparkling in the sun.

70. I can't help but laugh at this. Really? Sparkle? That's your dangerous quality?

71. Ah, the sexless sex scene. I had forgotten about this. Abstinence porn.

72. Why does he always insist on jumping on things?

73. Ugh, and on her car! It's old! Show some respect!

74. Oh, going to meet the vampire in-laws.

75. Holy mother of God, their house is nice.

76. I want a house like that.

77. Aww, they're cooking Italian food for her.

78. I want people to cook me Italian food.

79. OK, it's seriously not fair because I hate Edward's personality so much, but damn he looks good in that blue button up.

80. Wait, his fam is cool with him taking her to his room? What kind of nonsense is that?

81. Oh, right, vampires.

82. His room is very cool. I want that room.

83. Did he just launch the two of them out of that window?

84. Yes, yes he did.

85. Ugh, that spider monkey quote makes me cringe every time.

86. Just casually gonna terrorize my new girlfriend by throwing her around the woods a hundred feet up from the ground.

87. Edward Cullen, everyone.

88. He watches her sleep, and that is not romantic.

89. If your boyfriend breaks into your house and watches you sleep, you need to call the cops, not sexily make out with him in your underwear.

90. I literally hate Bella.

91. Edward is so whiny. And brooding. Take your shot.

92. Boo hoo I'm dangerous, and you should stay away from me boo hoo.

93. Then why are you dating her?

94. No sense. It makes no sense.

95. Vampire baseball? Really?

96. R-Pats, looking sexy again.

97. I love Charlie Swan and I will never not love him.

98. They're all wearing baseball uniforms and I hate this movie so much.

99. This action shooting of them flying at things is giving me angina.

100. Oh, the evil vampire squad just showed up.

101. Of course the leader is named Laurent. Such a vampire name.

102. Way to go, Bella, ruining everything with your human scent.

103. Now Edward is growling like some sort of bear.

104. Why is he shoving her into the car? God, I cannot properly express my hatred for Edward.

105. No, now she's gonna break Charlie's heart by leaving.

106. Poor Charlie. It's gonna be okay, my little police chief.

107. God, Rosalie hates Bella so much and I totally understand why.

108. To Phoenix we go.

109. Edward didn't even kiss her goodbye. He's so weird.

110. Ah, yes, I will sort of grasp your face and just stand there. So romantic.

111. Well Arizona looks nice.

112. There goes Alice having a vision. I like Alice.

113. Ballet studio. Imagine Bella dancing. Yikes.

114. And now Bella is going to be dumb and not use her brain. Shocker.

115. No crap he doesn't have your mom. You dingus.

116. And now he's throwing her around.

117. And her leg is broken. Ouch.

118. Kristen Stewart sucks at acting, man.

119. Here comes Edward.

120. More of that bad action shot filming.

121. More badly staged fighting.

123. Edward, stop brooding and save Bella, you idiot.

124. And now he's sucking her blood to a song that Robert Pattinson sings.

125. Actually a pretty good song, if you ask me.

126. Haha, Bella's mom thinks Edward is asleep.

127. Vampires don't sleep, Renee.

126. Well, here's more of Kristen Stewart's terrible acting.

127. It's so bad, it makes me physically uncomfortable. Can we fast forward?

128. Ugh, it's still not over.

129. Oh, thank God, we made it to prom.

130. Bella is wearing leggings under her dress, and I want to fight her.

131. R-Pats still looks sexy as all heck, though.

132. Jacob, please cut your hair. You look like Snape when he forgets to get a trim.

133. Ah, Edward's overly possessive nature. So charming.

134. Anna Kendrick, Bella is lying to you. You don't look good in that dress.

135. Edward's brooding face is back. Take another shot, fam.

136. God, I hate Bella's outfit so much. Those stupid leggings.

137. OK, they're out in the gazebo now. And Bella is talking about forever.

138. Haven't they been together for like 45 minutes? Isn't she like 17?

139. Calm down, girl. You don't need to become a vampire right now.

140. R-Pats is so dreamy. Why does he play the worst character?

141. I guess now they're gonna just dance around in that gazebo under the well-placed fairy lights.

142. Well, that was certainly an experience. Shall we watch "New Moon" next?