"Love yourself more,” we’re told. But what does that really mean? What does loving yourself look like? Does it mean spending the day inside watching Netflix, or going out and getting some exercise? Does it mean eating a tub of ice-cream, or eating something healthy instead?
Well, it can be all of those things. The root of radical self-love is in listening to your gut and learning to hear what your body is telling you. Sometimes, though, that can be tricky. So I’ve made a list of 14 things that you can do right now.
Pick a couple of them to do now, and do another two or three over the coming week. I think—I know—that you will be staggered by how effective they are.
Whether you feel stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, depressed, or whether you are in a challenging relationship or are even going through a breakup, learning to love yourself is a crucial step in your healing process.
1. Think and speak kindly to yourself.
We're so hard on ourselves. We think that we're motivating, that we're being modest, but in reality? We're total jerks. We say things to ourselves that we'd never say to someone we love. We think harsh thoughts and then believe those thoughts are true. We castigate ourselves for all the ways we're lacking and all the things we should have done or said. We speak to ourselves in a way that we would never tolerate from a friend.
Be your own friend. Change the way you talk to yourself. Try a kinder approach—the way a mother would take care of a small child. It's not easy to change those hard-wired thought patterns, but give it a shot. Right now. Look at yourself the way you'd look at one of your friends. Say something kind. It has the power to change your entire perspective.
2. Laugh at unkind thoughts.
Sometimes I do something stupid or fall into a self-constructed mind-trap and think, "That's such an Emily thing to do," and I laugh it away. Adding a little humor to any situation makes it feel lighter. It's like I'm joking around with the negative thought—"Oh, you again!"—and then nudging it away, off to play, like I would a child. That seems to dislodge the thought and lets a little more love back in.
3. Find ways to express your honest feelings and needs.
Expressing your honest feelings helps you become who you really are. If there’s no one you feel safe expressing those needs with, start by writing in a journal. In time, you’ll learn to express your feelings to others as well. Which also makes it important to remember that you are allowed to say no to the constant people pleasing. No to eating bread crumbs and putting your needs last. No to the obligations that overly fatigue us, cost us, hurt us. Learning how and when to say "no" is an incredible act of love toward yourself.
4. Write a list of everything you value or appreciate about yourself.
Start with simple things like your compassion or your sense of humor. Then let your list naturally grow to include other positive qualities you don't see within yourself.
5. List all of your successes.
Start with all of the challenges you've faced in life, and then move on to all the ways you’ve learned and have grown through the years. Too often we ignore our accomplishments for fear of being too self-indulgent or narcissistic. But forget that and focus on celebrating you.
6. Make time in your life to do the things you love to do.
Notice what excites you or fascinates you and make time to do those things more regularly.
7. Become the person you want to be.
Practice in small ways being more kind, more loving, more generous and more successful one step at a time. Then watch what happens over that time.
8. Set clear boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate in your life.
For example, “I’m very happy to listen to your feelings if you use I-messages (Instead of I can't believe you're doing 'x' changing it to I feel like __ when __ happens...etc.) , but I will absolutely not tolerate being criticized and put down.”
9. Cut toxic people out of your life.
You deserve to be surrounded by people who lift you up, not drag you down.
10. Find ways to laugh, and have fun regularly.
No matter how challenging life is, there’s always something to laugh about. Despite how we act and think, we are playful creatures. All of us. Every time you dance or laugh or act silly and joyful, that's an act of love toward your true nature. Do something that fills you up, without judgment. Take a Zumba class, try belly dancing, hit the ski slopes. Find time to nurture that playful side of yourself.
11. Dismantle your walls.
Most of us have walls in place—walls we built from a young age to protect ourselves, to keep up in an unstable or confusing environment. It was a matter of survival.
And yet as we grow up, we realize those walls don't keep us protected; they keep us isolated. They're so tall and thick that love can't get into our hearts. As much as we want to love ourselves and others, we can't understand love if we don't know how to accept it.
This isn't something you can do at this very moment because wall dismantling takes time. But you can book a therapy session. You can take an honest look at why and how you built your walls. You can set an intention to slowly take them down, eventually realizing the truth: They were always imaginary.
12. Forgive yourself.
True self-forgiveness takes time, perspective, and sometimes a little therapy. But it's something you can work on right this very second. Sometimes the simple act of asking yourself, "What can I forgive?" is enough. Maybe using a journal and thinking about the question could help open you up. Look at yourself and say, "I forgive you." Let go of that grudge. Forgive your past choices. Lend yourself compassion for your story, knowing that it's only a story.
13. Practice mindfulness.
Be inspired by the simple things in life. You truly don’t have to look far to find amazing things all around you. Magic and truth wait in the small, everyday moments that you can so easily take for granted. Notice the way your senses react in a hot shower or when you pull warm cookies out of the oven.
These things can only really happen in the moment.
14. Accept yourself exactly as you are
It's the hardest and easiest thing you'll ever do (and it's also the most loving): Just be. Allow whatever feelings you're having to just happen. Allow explosions of pent-up emotions to happen. Cry when you need to. Embrace your anxiety and faults. Let go of the hard-fought battle with shoulds and self-constructed expectations. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to just accept yourself.
"When we struggle to change ourselves we, in fact, only continue the patterns of self-judgment and aggression. We keep the war against ourselves alive." —Jack Kornfield
Put away the self-improvement projects, the self-help books, and sing yourself a love song. Remind yourself that you're okay; you've always been okay.
