We all love to hate sleazy politicians, the promises we know they can’t keep, and their orange tainted skin… um, I mean, views on foreign policy. But dinner with extended family isn’t always the best place to break down the difference between feminism and misandry. So here are some bulletproof ways to keep America’s next president out of sight and out of mind for the sake of family unity.
1.Talk about making the Dean’s list.
“Yea, this semester was really challenging, but I just tried to stay focused and prioritize my time. I gotta say I worked really hard!”
2. Lie about making the Dean's List.
“Yea, this semester was really challenging, but I just tried to stay focused and prioritize my time. I gotta say I worked really hard!”
*Nervously laughs and begins to sweat profusely *
3. Share your dreams and aspirations.
But if you’re a woman, be careful not to bring up the fact that they will be harder to achieve.
4. Bring up something Jimmy Fallon did.
No one dislikes Jimmy so you should be in the clear there. To waste time you can even pull up a recent lip sync battle or the newest “Ew" video. Ellen DeGeneres can also work in this situation, as well as Tina Fey, Amy Poehler, or Steve Carrell.
5. RUN!
Just go upstairs and find a good hiding spot, maybe take a nap or watch YouTube videos on your phone (see suggestions in number four). Then come back downstairs in 30 minutes and tell everyone you were looking for a phone charger.
6. Wait for someone to ask about why you're not dating anyone.
You know this will come up sooner or later, but there could be worse things to discuss over chicken. So this time, humor your aunt. Tell her about any prospective love interests, that you’re clearly making up on the spot, end it with a shrug and say, “eh, nothing to write home about.”
7. Use this time to explain what your major actually is.
Unless you’re studying finance or medicine, odds are that most adults don’t actually understand what your classes mean or what you want to do with your overpriced degree. I’ve spent too much time explaining to my father that studying communications is more than talking to someone all day long. NO DAD, MY PROFESSORS DON’T TEACH ME HOW TO HOLD A CONVERSATION!!! So now may be a good time for you to go in depth about environmental studies or cognitive science, or whatever it is that your parents pretend to understand.
[If you are a political science major, please skip the step above]
8. Resort to icebreakers.
No one likes these, I know, they are the sole reason why orientation is ten times more uncomfortable than it has to be. But let’s be honest here, what’s worse: trying to explain to your uncle that racism is bad, or telling him that your 7th grade screen name was xoxocutie789<3 ?
9. Fake your own death!
This one is pretty self-explanatory.
10. Literally say no words at all.
Who cares if your family thinks you have no social skills? They already think that based on how much time you spend on your phone instead of having a real life conversation. At least this time you won’t get in trouble for being progressive!!
11. Recycle a Chandler Bing joke.
Everyone loves some good, classic sarcasm at a pivotal moment in American history. I suggest something from an earlier season, perhaps “The One With the Cat,” where Joey gets locked in the entertainment center and the guys robbed. But that part is up to you, have fun with it!
12. Recommend a book!
Treat this dinner as if it turned into a book club. It doesn’t even matter what you suggest, tell your uncle to read Dr. Seuss! Just do whatever you have to do so that he doesn’t bring up the T-word.
13. Discuss the weather.
There’s a reason this one is last, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Especially in an election where the only Republican candidate has more tweets per hour than years of political experience.
Alright, good luck out there, everyone, we can do this. We can survive this horrifying time, one that we will explain to our children as what seemed like the longest episode of PUNK’D. We will get through these painful family parties, conversations torn apart by ballot votes. And one day, ladies and gentlemen, together, we will make dinner great again!
