When I was studying psychology as an undergraduate student, I had a professor who would tell us that open and honest dialogue was the key to addressing society's most pressing issues, even if some mistakes are made along the way. In this spirit, I share with you some thoughts overheard while substitute teaching, where one student was being open and honest with two other students in a Health class, inspiring me to write this article.
A junior in a Michigan high school explains her experience: “I had already seen all 13 episodes before the school sent that email to my parents that warned them about how I'm unable to process it correctly, and how it makes suicide and sex and stuff like that seem normal. The thing is, I don't want to talk to my mom about it, but that stuff was already normal before I saw the show, and the show didn't make me any worse – or even any better – than I already was, it just made me feel compassion for what some people go through, and to want to help more often, instead of just ignoring people getting hurt. My mom was upset that I had already watched it. I didn't get in trouble or anything, but she told me not to talk about it at school and made me feel really guilty like I had done something wrong, which is really weird because this is like one of the only times I've felt like being a better person because of a TV show.”
I have permission to use her words, but not her name, so we'll call her Jane. If this were a research paper, Jane's words would suffice for a thesis statement. While I can only anecdotally speak about my small part of the world in some local Michigan high schools, I can confidently affirm that Jane is not alone in her thoughts.
As we begin to encounter more and more individuals who feel guilty for their enjoyment of “13 Reasons Why,” and even find themselves second-guessing their moral compass for thinking that some good may come out of a show like this, I believe that the time has come to address the overblown onslaught of negative criticism from school officials and mental health experts about this show that has welcomed many newcomers to the conversations about suicide, survivor's guilt, bullying, rape culture, and what it's really like to be a teenager these days. The conversation is relevant and vital, and as you can see from Jane's story, being discouraged.
It should be noted, for starters, that no one is debating what was just stated as fact: there are people who are engaging in serious discussions about important topics, of which they were not interested in forming opinions before viewing this show. That, in itself, is a huge accomplishment. Producer Selena Gomez has achieved far beyond the traditional after-school-special, many of which have portrayed the same subject matter with such poor and unrealistic acting that no one ever felt the need to complain.
Before I respond to the two most common critiques of the show, and hopefully give you permission to, once again, appreciate the potential for positive action and simple cinematic value, let me be clear about what I'm not saying: I'm not saying that the show is flawless. I can understand the mindset where some of the critiques dwells. While the show's strength lies in its realistic portrayals that make us want to stop being bystanders and actually do something to help, its weakness is that this real and vivid nature is inconsistent: there are scenes, conversations and situations that don't seem entirely realistic. As soon as I point out how realistic the show is, the comment section trolls will immediately dissect the show into every second that may have portrayed something slightly off, and soon we're discussing the likelihood of a teenager using a tape (as opposed to the voice recorder on their smart phone), rather than the absolute brutally real sadness and despair of Hannah, her parents, Clay, and others. I'm not offering a defense of every minute of every episode, but an impassioned defense of the show's potential value in creating dialogue, addressing issues, and maybe even saving a few lives.
The most common critique is that “13 Reasons Why” normalizes and romanticizes suicide, drug use, bullying, sex, and other behavior that we want to minimize.
When The US Center For Disease Control And Prevention informs us that suicide is the third leading cause of death among 10 to 24-year-olds, one of every five students has been bullied right on school property, and the National Crime Victimization Survey reports that 16 to 19-year-olds are four times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape or sexual assault, I guess we need to acknowledge that suicide, sex, and bullying are normal for young people to encounter and make decisions about in their daily lives. The videos shown in health class probably help some students to some degree, and parental talks are extremely helpful for those students fortunate enough to have solid family lives, but we are kidding ourselves if we don't acknowledge that this show opens up a conversation door that didn't previously exist for many individuals. Young people are fully aware that these activities are happening all around them and are having to decide how they'll address them constantly. It's the parents who don't always get it. You can't normalize something that literally happens normally.
I love tacos. If you were to come to my house Monday through Friday, like a young person attending school, you would be very likely to see me eating tacos on a consistent basis. If you were to produce a TV show of my life, it would involve a ridiculous amount of tacos. If you were to create a reenactment of my life (especially if you were attempting a focused documentary on the unpleasant results of my overeating) and not include tacos, your show would lack accuracy. Here's the point: you aren't normalizing taco eating by reporting the truth. If you think that my eating habits are a serious problem affecting many Americans and your goal is to be as realistic as possible so that others can relate or help, you're going to show my enjoyment of the taco along with the sheer ugliness of my consumption. If you didn't show the damage that I was inflicting upon myself, you could rightly be critiqued for romanticizing my taco addiction.
So, I may have gotten a bit excited, dropped some taco meat and lettuce on my keyboard, and taken that illustration a bit too far, but did you get the point? “13 Reasons Why” doesn't romanticize suicide, it appropriately makes it look ugly as hell. I don't just mean the gripping visual effect either, there is appropriate levels of heartbreak and anger present among survivors, as well as within the tapes of the deceased. Sexual assault isn't pretty either. Young men raised on porn must have one realistic portrayal that serves as a voice whispering to them: women don't start enjoying your advances because you coerce them with just a bit more strength. 'No' doesn't mean 'slide your hand farther up my dress and overpower me trying to block you,' it really does mean stop. Remember when Hannah felt like she had done something wrong by defending herself and knocking her assaulter to the ground in the restaurant? If you watched it, you probably remember. Other people will also remember. Some of them need to. Instead of concerning ourselves with the normalization of unhealthy behaviors that are already normal, perhaps it's time to accept the normalcy of suicide, aggressive sexual situations, and bullying, and focus on how to make them less normal and far less accepted.
The other common critique, which I want to take very seriously, is the notion that teenagers who are already struggling with suicidal thoughts will be triggered by some of the scenes and dialogue in the show. I'm not going to pretend that critique has no merit. In fact, I want to make our suicidal more than a number, so let's give her a name: Jenny. Jenny is in a very vulnerable spot, with a depression that is easily triggered into suicidal ideation. Music is a more popular form of media to blame, but if Jenny winds up committing suicide and referencing some form of media in her final letter, it wouldn't be the first time. A critique with the intent of keeping Jenny alive needs to be taken seriously. While I'm admitting that a view I disagree with has some merit, let me also acknowledge that the idea of getting revenge on people from beyond the grave irks me, regardless of how much they deserve it. Suicide is not a way to exact revenge on your enemies, and that should be stated clearly in future conversations about this show. However, that's no reason to shut down the conversation.
What the tapes do, regardless of the revenge factor, is highlight a very realistic thought process of an individual, who would have a chance at a mentally healthy and happy life if they could delete the effects of bullying, sexual assault, and an unwillingness to help by people who are content to be bystanders. It is this bystander factor that I believe to be the difference. I believe that this show successfully tugs at heartstrings – not of bullies or sexual aggressors – of individuals who tended, before this show, to sit back and allow events to happen that they knew were wrong. For Jane, it just sunk in. Maybe it was the raw emotion in the scenes that were difficult to watch, or just the subject matter being addressed in a way that was memorable, but the stakes were suddenly higher for Jane. She could no longer ignore bullying and sexual harassment just because it didn't involve her, because it had sunk in that people sometimes end up dead. So, when we're deciding upon the value of a media presentation to affect real life in a positive way, we have to consider: if it triggers a Jenny, will it also inspire two Janes to help that Jenny? Is it possible that if the schools had a substantial increase in Janes, there would be less Jennys, and the Jennys would feel more supported? I don't know of any scientific peer reviewed method to support this conclusion, so label it anecdotal, but I firmly believe that there are more Janes than there are Jennys, and that the Jennys can be proactive in helping the Janes. Bullies and predators aren't likely to disappear, and they're good at finding victims, but there is one factor that can change: there can be less bystanders. When those of us who are stuck in the 'mind your own business' mindset choose to speak up and defend those who are hurting around us, we can make suicide a little less normal. There is a Hannah or a Jenny in your school, and she could really use a friend.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, you should know that there is confidential help that is free. They won't contact your parents, and you can talk for as long as you need to, at no cost. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 800-273-8255.
