As Stephen Sondheim once wrote, New York City is truly "a city of strangers". This diverse group of fascinating individuals from all backgrounds and classes makes the city tick. While there are many unpredictable and totally unique characters, there are at least 13 types of people we encounter daily in the Big Apple. Here are some familiar characters that answer the question proposed by Mr. Rodgers' famous theme song: "Who are the people in your neighborhood?"
1.) The Subway Pusher
This person nearly pushes you off the platform in order to make it to his appointment on time. Even when the train is filled to capacity and the next train is only two stations away, this person tries to shove you on board. In his mind, if you get on, there will more space for his body. It goes against all scientific principles, yet there are so many of these people who are under the impression that because they want it to happen, the universe shall grant it for them.
2.) The Human Vaporizer
This is the person who smokes a cigarette while walking along a crowded street carelessly blowing clouds of toxic smoke into your face as you walk behind them. Thank you for sharing! It's Tuesday morning and I've been craving some secondhand smoke!
3.) The Confused Subway Agent
Agent: "Your metro card is expired."
You: “Nope, that’s impossible. I bought it this morning and put ten dollars on it.”
“It says you last used it on a bus two weeks ago.”
“I don’t take the bus.”
“It says it’s expired.”
“But the date on the card says 2017. That’s over a year from now.”
“I think that’s for the plastic on the card.”
“The plastic on the c...Okay, there was ten bucks on this though.”
“It says it’s empty.”
“I take it I’m about to buy a new card?”
“…Yes.”
4.) The Creepy-Eyes Guys
These are the guys sporting eyebrows so suggestive that they might fly off of their foreheads at any moment. Imagine if women did this to men? The guys would be freaked out for sure. These are the creeps that don't have the confidence to heckle, but they’re not above a little facial expression action to get their point across!
5.) The person that gets confused when you smile at them
“But wait...no...this is New York City and smiling is against the rules!” They seem to say this with their eyes as they panic and grapple with how to react as you pass each other. Sometimes they stop in their tracks and really struggle to move on and other times they smile back, but it takes them way too long to remember that impulse and flex those smiling muscles. It’s a fun moment to initiate.
6.) The person who thinks they are way cooler than you (and is)
New York is home to tons of models, fashion designers, magazine editors and cool people in general. They wear amazing clothes, awesome makeup and have the most toned bodies. They look at you like you are a sewer rat. It feels terrific.
7.) The die-hard New Yorker who lives to give you instructions on how to live here
“This is New York. This is how we do it here" is embroidered on a throw pillow in their apartments. These people have thick New York City accents and want to appear tough, jaded and experienced at all costs. If you make the smallest mistake and interrupt the rhythm of the city, they will call you out on it. They prey on tourists and new residents. These people have a compulsion to remind you that this is their city the same way you have a compulsion to steer clear of them.
8.)The elderly person you think will be sweet, but is actually the worst
I always smile at elderly people and try to be extra respectful to them, because that’s what I was always taught to do. My grandfather is 93 and I know how much the smallest gestures of kindness mean to him. I (wrongly) assumed that this is true of all senior citizens. Nope! Apparently not in NYC! I once smiled sweetly at an older woman only to be met by her severe grimace...one that made me feel like I should not have been born. I also witnessed a kind-looking elderly woman curse out a young gentleman who offered to help her down the stairs of the public library...and then she almost stumbled and broke her neck, so...
9.) The person who dresses like (and actually looks like) their dog
If you take a stroll through Central Park, the Upper West Side, or Soho, dogs have sweaters, booties and hair accessories. They’re looking more and more like humans every day and just as parents dress their children according to their taste, owners of adorably primped pets do the same. Sometimes, they even wear matching outfits! It's surreal seeing a poodle and its owner who have the same swagger, hairstyle, and outerwear.
10.) The person whose destination is more important than yours
This person is a cousin to the Subway Pusher, but can be found above ground as well. They may push you along on the street, shove you aside to steal your cab, and/or knock you off the sidewalk into traffic...anything to shave two seconds off of their commute. You may need that taxi to get to the airport or even to the emergency room, but the world may spontaneously combust if that person does not get to their apartment in time to watch "The Bachelor".
11.) The street performer that knocks your socks off
They are always amazing. I’ve never seen a bad subway singer, dancer, or percussion act. The number of hours they spend performing in a hot underground tunnel or on a crowded Midtown street is truly commendable.
12.) The people who tries to sell you stuff
They snag you with a line like “Excuse me, do you live in the area?” and it makes you go “Yes! Wait no, nope! Just passing through!” But they know. They always know. I once dodged a row of these people in Columbus Circle and the last one asked me, “Do you have a minute to stop for hemorrhoids?” Naturally, I kept walking, because no, I did not have a minute to discuss hemorrhoids. I never have a minute to discuss hemorrhoids; it seems a rather unpleasant conversation to have with a stranger in public. I laughed out loud as I passed her until I heard her repeat the question to another passerby. This time, I realized her actual question, “Do you have a minute to stop for human rights?”
13.) The person who wants you to overhear their conversation
This person is the best. It’s all about the sound bytes where his volume increases. After he's said something impressive, his neck extends and his head becomes the periscope of a submarine, scanning the crowd to see who has heard. Actual bits I’ve 'overheard' include:
“Yeah, I mean, when I worked with Gaga and Miley…”
“We got Tom Cruise interested and uh…yeah, Leo’s gonna read for it tomorrow.”
Is Leo gonna read for it tomorrow, though? Does Leo have to read for anything? Ever? Either way, he wanted you to hear it and you did.
