Well, hi there, folks! Gratuitous Giver of Advice here. I recently got a very intriguing question in my nonexistent inbox:
Help, I’m extremely busy! What should I do? —Trina Getlit
A very intriguing question indeed, and a pertinent one, too, seeing as finals are at last descending upon us. But never fear, your GGA is here with plenty of sensible, low-commitment activities for you to engage in during this ridiculously busy time.
1. Stare at a wall.
It might seem counterintuitive at first, but trust me, once you set your gaze on a panel of white plaster, there’s no going back. If you look long enough, you might even start to see things — suspicious markings, little patterns in the paint, your mother’s maiden name spelled backwards, the dwindling length of your day… Who knows?
2. Check Facebook.
Don’t worry, there’s a reason for it. Out of the goodness of your heart, you’re going to message all your friends who are currently online and order them to stop being bums and do their work. And you’d better stay on for at least an hour or so after that, because you know your friends are going to try and sneak around your surveilling eyes, and you have to be there to tell them off. Facebook addicts are so sad, really.
3. Have dinner.
You’ll get to interact with other people who are just as starved for nourishment and human interaction as you are. And besides, you’ve got to keep up your brain’s stamina somehow. (Suggested methods: consuming copious amounts of ice cream, engaging in riveting conversations about which exams are over and which are still looming, partaking in more ice cream, scooping some for your friends because they need to experience the wonder that is the banana coffee chocolate chip milkshake, and so on.)
4. Chastise yourself.
When you start to feel the common sense creep back up on you, telling you to get down to business, you can always just play along and give yourself a half-hearted lecture on the responsibilities of a young adult. Repeat after yourself: Inspecting my fingernails is not entertaining in the least. I would much rather be working on COS. If nothing else, you’ll get a laugh out of it.
5. Look out a window.
Somehow, all the mundane things of the world become hopelessly riveting when you observe them through a drafty windowpane. People become miracles, buildings become mysteries, and a pair of squirrels chasing each other up a dead tree in the middle of winter becomes a love story more tear-inducing than Titanic. It’s a good time.
6. Go through your photo gallery.
This always makes for a nice trip down memory lane — not to mention, it’ll give you some desperately needed self-confidence. For example, the lighting in that bathroom at Chipotle back in October made you look so chic and mysterious. And the one from two weeks ago, same location, different nose-ring? Even better.
7. Make a list.
It can be anything — a bucket list, movie list, grocery list, book list, kiss list, hit list… Heck, make a list list. Make anything, as long it’s not a to-do.
8. Look up your horoscope.
It’s a bit of a necessary step before starting your work, or anything, really. I mean, how are you supposed to be productive when the Sun is in your third house and a Libra is likely to come and stir up your bruised ego? (They could be here any second now… any second…)
9. Fall asleep.
There’s no better way to get the eyelids drooping than to have a monumental amount of things to get done. Take this time as a rare opportunity to catch up on some sleep debt.
10. Make faces in the mirror.
It’s amazing how distorted you can become just by scrunching up your nose, twisting your lips, and dramatically shifting your eyebrows. And after holding that for a while, you let everything go slack and suddenly you’re beautiful. The dynamics of the human face are truly inspiring.
11. Think about the future.
Specifically, a week from now, when the work hanging over you and the stress it begets will be naught but an infinitesimal blip in all the history of cosmic space. Or maybe that’s a century from now…? At any rate, the future looks like a great place to be.
12. Write an Odyssey article.
I mean, honestly, what else is there to do?