Everyone knows that parents can be a bit strange; that’s because they live in a completely separate reality that is controlled entirely by tiny little tyrants. Yes, we try to keep the fact that our entire lives revolve around our children a secret from them, but we all know it’s true. Most of the time we appear to be completely normal but children change the way you live and the way you think entirely.

1. You have a small jar somewhere that is filled with human teeth.

Yes, it’s weird, but where did you think the Tooth Fairy was putting them? Those are a part of keeping memories. Each one meticulously and carefully collected while hoping your kid won’t wake up and realize that you are the Tooth Fairy. The idea of just throwing away one of your child’s baby teeth feels a bit harsh, so you don’t. They just seem to pile up until you’re checking each tooth every time they lose one because, “there is no way you still had baby teeth in there.” My extensive scientific research (i.e. Google), children will lose 20 baby teeth by the age of 12 or 13. That’s a lot when you really think about it. Truthfully, you never realize how many teeth a human being actually has until you become an unintentional collector. But hey, if you ever need to clone your kid… yeah, never mind, it’s just weird.

2. You make excuses for fictional characters.

Santa Claus brought “the mean kid” a bike and not your kid? What do you say to that? Suddenly, Santa Claus isn’t this magical man who delivers presents to every boy and girl in the world in one night, he’s flawed. If Santa were really watching over a kid’s behavior to determine how many/how good their presents are he would have known that Little Johnny rubbed dirt in Julie’s face on the playground and he wouldn’t have gotten any presents. You can’t say that Little Johnny is actually a really nice kid, because now that you know about that little incident you would rather your kid not hang out with him too much. So, you go with the next best thing. An elf must have made a mistake on the Big List. Don’t worry, Santa will notice and Little Johnny will probably get coal next year. Then you cross your fingers and pray this excuse won’t lead to a “talk” with Little Johnny’s parents.

3. The first time it happens you want to crawl into a hole and die.

It’s finally happened, you snapped. You announce that you have to run to “the potty” when there are no kids in sight. Obviously, you’re no longer used to socializing with grown-ups. It happens in public, or at work, or at an important dinner, basically anywhere. The looks you get aren’t that bad if there are other parents present; if you’re the only parent at that particular gathering of adults then they probably think it was weird. If you’re lucky, you have a significant other or close friend that you can commiserate with.

4. What’s my age again?

You can remember a laundry list of phone numbers, birthdays, social security numbers, and appointment times, but you have trouble recalling your age. This phenomenon is not unique. Your brain is so packed with other important things that what once came naturally simply gets pushed aside for more important information on insurance plans, bill due dates, doctor’s appointment times and birthday parties. There just isn’t any room left to remember trivial things like your own age or birthday.

5. Your idea of me-time is going to the grocery store by yourself.

It has become a seldom realized pleasure to be able to walk down the aisles of a store without a small person begging you to buy them something, or hanging off the sides of the cart because it’s “so fun,” or touching everything on the shelves because they are suddenly too big for the basket seat. Additionally, you wouldn’t dare to even consider going anywhere near the bakery with young children because you don’t want to be the parent that has to try to explain to a toddler why they cannot have the wedding cake. But when you’re alone you take pleasure in admiring the display case of intricately designed sweets, even if you can’t bring them home.

6. You roll the dice on your attire.

You’ve gone out on date night, seen something on your shirt and unsure if it’s poop, throw up, food or some weird combination of the lot, you pull out a baby wipe and do your best to clean it off because there is NO WAY you’re going home early or running home to change. You know the minute you step foot back in that house the night is over, and so do the kids.

7. When you hear someone complain about getting only 8 hours of sleep you briefly consider homicide.

This happens to even the most pleasant person; I call it Sleepless Rage: Undeserved anger directed at anyone in your vicinity that appears well-rested or that talks about sleep in general, because you aren’t getting any. You were never able to function properly with less than 8 hours of sleep before kids. Now, you run on five hours a night, if you’re lucky, and coffee and you are besties. Not that you’re really getting a full five hours either when you consider the kids having bad dreams, you having bad dreams about losing the kids, or the ever pleasant middle of the night whispers in your ear only to open your eyes and have a heart attack because you are nose to nose with a small human. Well, you’re certainly awake after that.

8. There is nothing better than sitting alone in your own house.

You would rather send the kids to grandma’s house so that you could make it through an entire movie/tv show/homework assignment/meal at home than go out. For any reason. You’re not even answering the door. Regardless, the house is far too quiet now and your phone never leaves your line of sight, just in case they need you.

9. You are constantly on alert after 8:00 p.m.

After the kid’s bedtime any squeak could be them. Awake. Again. For the fifth time in under an hour. Also, every minute that ticks by on the clock while you’re waiting, (because you are just so sure they’ll get up the minute you try to rest), is one less minute you are allowed to sleep. Yes, allowed. You no longer control your sleep schedule, the kids do.

10. You hide your food.

If there is something delicious in the house, you’re not going to get any of it unless you plan ahead. Think you might want one of those fudge pops? You better hide it behind the frozen peas or you’ll never have a chance to eat it. When are you going to eat it? In the middle of the night, in the kitchen, where it’s easy to ditch the evidence if one of the kids come wandering in. You are a midnight ninja.

11. At some point you just give up, and you're okay with that.

Any possibility of being normal went out the window the day they came into your life. These kids have wormed their way into your heart and altered your reality for good.

But that's okay with you. All the sleepless nights, the raging tantrums and the smells you can't quite find the source of are all worth it for one little smile and an "I wuv you."