I absolutely love showers. They are the favorite part of my day. Who doesn't like a nice, warm shower at the end of a long day? People who take showers in the mornings, for whatever hellish reason. But that's a topic for another article. For now, we will examine the different types of shower-takers that go beyond the simple categories of the night shower and the morning shower. Ignoring the complexities of different ways people shower would be doing a disservice to the discourse surrounding hygiene.
1. The In and Out
This person never spends more than five minutes in the shower. You can't figure out how they make sure every nook and cranny is clean, but you know that short showers are a lot better for the environment so you don't really have the moral high ground to question them.
2. The Prune
The complete opposite of the In and Out. The Prune spends a minimum of 20 minutes in the shower and comes out looking like the most shriveled prune anyone has ever seen. And, similar to their dried fruit counterpart, nobody really likes them.
3. The Diva
We've all heard a Diva at least once. They bring a Bluetooth speaker into the bathroom and belt out songs by Adele, Christina Aguilera, and Mariah Carey. It's like their own personal karaoke bar, sans the audience, which is probably for the best.
4. The Polar Bear
Known for their impeccably thick skin, The Polar Bear likes to wash themselves in water imported directly from the arctic sea. How do they withstand the freezing cold water? The world will never know.
5. The Dragon
Sometimes you notice a large amount of steam billowing from under the bathroom door. You can literally feel the heat emanating from the hot water through the door. The Dragon always complains that the water is never hot enough, and keeps the faucet turned as hot as it will go.
6. The Raver
Much like The Diva, you can hear The Raver as soon as they enter the shower. However, they prefer to listen to EDM. It is unclear whether or not they actually dance in the shower. Hopefully not, because that seems like an accident waiting to happen.
7. The Phone Junkie
Most of us can be away from our phones long enough to take a shower. However, The Phone Junkie actually brings their phone with them in case an important text or Instagram notification comes through. They have a LifeProof case specifically for this occasion.
8. The "Can You Grab Me _______"
Also know as the Chronic Forgetter, this shower taker always forgets to bring something with them, and only realizes their mistake once they are already in the shower. Best case scenario, they ask you to grab their towel. Worst case scenario, they make a nude sprint to their room.
9. The Luxury Lover
They have an extensive soap collection, and every single one of their products is from Lush. No shower sessions is complete without scented candles and a preliminary face mask. They take nothing short of decadence when it comes to the showering experience.
10. The Bare Bones
This frugal hygienist only owns a single bar of soap that is used as shampoo, conditioner, and body wash. A proud penny pincher, The Bare Bones only purchases their soap from the dollar store, and never passes up an opportunity to brag about how much money they are saving.
11. The Diehard Bather
This person absolutely refuses to take showers. They insist that baths are the only way to really get clean, despite the fact that you're literally sitting in your own dirt mixed with water.