It’s estimated that about one in five adults experiences some sort of mental illness every year. Despite this number, society as a whole tends to pretend that mental illnesses don’t exist, and ignores them or stigmatizes the people that have them. Chances are though, that at some point at your life, one of your close friends will come to you about having some sort of mental illness, and while this can be hard, these are some tips from someone with depression that can help you figure out how to help your friend.
Listen.
Dealing with a mental illness can be one of the hardest things a person goes through. If your friend chooses to open up to you about what they’re going through, just listen. There’s a horrible stigma around talking about mental illness, and your reaction, good or bad, can influence their decision to open up to others as well.
“I saw this and thought of you.”
In some of my darkest moments, the thing that I need most is to be reminded that I exist to other people — and while sometimes that might mean a long paragraph text about how loved I am, most times it can be as simple as being tagged in something on Facebook by a friend that saw a cute animal video, or a nail art tutorial and thought I’d enjoy it. They might not even think about it, but to me it might mean the difference between staying in bed or going to class that day. Knowing that someone remembers something inconsequential that I mentioned in passing reminds me that people actually do care about me.
Do your research.
While no two people suffering from the same mental illness will behave in exactly the same manner, it’s important to know what they, and you by extension, are dealing with. Knowing the symptoms will make it easier for you to recognize them and react accordingly.
Notice their absence.
This one can be a hard one, especially when we’re all trying to balance our own busy schedules, with all our classes, exams, work, extracurriculars, etc, but it’s also one of the most important things you can do for someone struggling with mental illness. In an attempt to feel less like a burden on others, and because socializing can be difficult, it’s often one’s first instinct to seclude themselves from others. Look around your normal settings and check if someone that’s usually there isn’t — maybe they just caught a cold or are studying for a tough chem exam, or maybe they’re having a depressive episode. Check up on them because it might be the first two, but if it’s not, your text or phone call will make them feel like they matter.
Remind them you love them.
Whenever I have a bad depressive episode, it’s very hard for me to understand why people would care about me. I can’t find anything good about myself, and in turn, I can’t see what value I could possibly bring to anyone or anything. When these thoughts arise, it’s easy for me to sink into a very dark hole that’s difficult to climb out of. At these moments, I just need to be reminded of my worth, and that my friends do love me -- depression and all.
Offer hugs, but don’t push them.
Human contact can be good for some people, while others might be turned off by hugs. If they look like they need a good hug, offer it to them, but always wait until they respond, never just hug them without their consent.
Include them as best as you can.
Your friend may no longer be willing or able to do certain things they loved to do with you before they developed their mental illness, and that’s okay. Maybe they used to love going to concerts, but now the thought of huge stadiums filled with people overwhelms them. While you may no longer be able to do those things, that doesn’t mean you can’t or shouldn’t spend time with them in other ways. The worst thing you can do for someone will mental illness is abandon them because “they’ve changed” or something like that. Believe me, they know they’ve changed, but still work to include them as best as you can.
Remember that mental illness is an illness.
It’s easy to think of someone with depression as sad, or someone with anxiety as nervous, but mental illness is diagnosable and medical. Never, ever tell your friend to “get over it,” or “cheer up,” because that will only cause your friend to close off to you, not cure them.
Be patient.
Your friend might not be “your friend” anymore, and it’s natural to want the friend you used to have back — chances are, they wish they had their old selves back too, but it’s not that easy. They might take longer to respond to text messages, or not want to do things they used to do — don’t rush them to do anything they feel like they can’t do. It will take time to adjust to this new situation, and to find a sense of normalcy, you just have to be patient.
Know your friend.
This is your friend — you know your friend better than I ever could. While depression and other mental illnesses can be overwhelming, just know that you know your friend best, and you know better than anyone else what they need when they’re struggling. When in doubt, just ask them what you can do for them.
Take care of yourself.
People with a mental illness may lash out at friends and family, or just close off altogether, and that doesn’t mean you should just leave them, but if it comes to the point that they become abusive, you are allowed to take a step back and remove yourself from that situation. It does not make you a terrible person if you have to take care of yourself before you take care of anyone else.
