There isn't much on the Bachelor/Bachelorette that can shock me anymore. When you're 21 seasons deep into any reality television show there is only so much more you can pull out of thin air that hasn't been done in a past season.
With that being said, I watch it like it's my job. I was vehemently anti-Bachelor until my friends decided it would be fun to make a bracket for Andi Dorfman's season based on who we thought would win judging from the first episode. I figured out the gentlemen's names, made my assumptions, and had pretty much lost immediately because I am apparently a terrible judge of character and laughed in Josh Murray's frighteningly symmetrical face.
Speaking of being a terrible judge of character, I had Nick Viall making it pretty much to top two. Slightly bragging that I was right, but also shamelessly segwaying into the fact that this man, who I hated more and more with each passing week, is going to be ABC's next Bachelor.
This will mark his 5th season of involvement in this franchise that will seemingly never die no matter how much we beat it (Andi's season, came back into the ring for round two on Kaitlyn's season where the poor guy was K.O.'ed at the top two once more, and two seasons of Bachelor in Paradise). He either loves the pain or just hates himself (or wants to find love, but that's not what this show is really about, let's be perfectly honest). As much as I have grown fond of Nick, I feel as though there would be many better Bachelors than he.
1. Chase McNary
I fell deeply in love with Chase towards the end when we all found out he had a personality. As it typically goes, America fell in love with him when Jojo dropped him like he was hot (which he is, but that's an unusual reason to dump someone). With the final cracking of a beer which appeared mysteriously in his hand as he was boarding the van back to reality, I respected his attitude. He acted like one does in real life while getting broken up with: pissed.
2. Chad Johnson
This is Chad eating a yam completely raw. Like an apple. Or a banana, except with the whole peel intact. Need I say more?
3. Wells Adams
Here's the Snapchat I sent Wells that he refuses to open. Despite that, I think he would have made a great Bachelor namely because that means I would have applied in -.2 seconds. He's the guy who didn't kiss Jojo on night one, or night two, or night three...which would be fine in real life but this is the Bachelor franchise and everyone makes out with each other within the first 9.5 minutes.
4. Beautiful Squidward
I know what all of you viewers of Jojo's season are thinking: why are you including Grant here?! Contrary to popular belief, this is not in fact Grant. This is beautiful Squidward, and he would be an incredible Bachelor. THIS is Grant:
See the difference? Me neither.
5. Chad's Yam
Please refer to the focal point of #2 above. Chad doesn't love or respect the yam. The yam deserves love just like any of those other contestants.
6. The "Bachelor in Paradise" Iguana
This little guy sees all the action going down, but was never given his own chance to find love. It's criminal, having to sit idly by and watch the ratchetry unfold and not be a part of it.
7. Jorge the Bartender
It's "Jorge I need another drink," this and "Jorge, another margarita" that and ya know what? I'm sick of it. Not only does Jorge make the drinks, but Jorge listens to these idiots cry about how their partner on the show dropped them for the next piece who walked in the door. Do they not see Jorge, kind, attentive Jorge, is right in front of them? I'd say he'd be the dark horse of the Bachelor. Let him find love.
8. Zayn's Robot Arms
This pretty much has nothing to do with the Bachelor franchise itself YOU WOULD THINK, I just wanted an outlet to discuss the robot arms. If anyone has Zayn's stylist's number, I'd love to have it so that I can fire him or her for lying to him that this was a good idea. But yeah, the robot arms deserve to find love, seeing as how they've been completely ostracized.
9. This Mac and Cheese
You walk into a room. Nick Viall is sitting there with an engagement ring and the promise to take care of you in sickness and in health. This bowl of mac and cheese is sitting on a table next to him. You can only have one. Which do you choose?
10. Harry Styles's Ponytail (R.I.P.)
I'd like to include a quote from a personal hero of mine, Matt Bellassai: "i don't know what this thing is @Harry_Styles but i hope you killed it before you picked it up"
Imagine being this ponytail and getting this reaction. I bet it needs love. Would make a great Bachelor(ette?), confirmed.
11. Chris Harrison
If there is anything I hate more than myself for watching this show, it's Chris freaking Harrison. The "host" of this God forsaken show, he stands idly by and "advises" the Bachelor or Bachelorette on their "decisions". He comes in at the most inopportune times and gets that stupid faux-serious face on, acting like the hand hovering over a final rose carries the same gravity as someone's hand hovering over a nuclear launch button. I want Chris Harrison to be the Bachelor so that I never have to see this man again.
As much as I love Nick Viall, I find these 11 eligible bachelors way more suited to the position than he is. With that being said, I will still order a steaming hot pizza and stay glued to the couch on Monday nights from 8-10 p.m. But don't quote me on that.
