Sure, as a Jew, I heavily prepared for my Bat Mitzvah...learning Hebrew, writing a speech, connecting with God and what not. But Hebrew school taught me nothing about what really matters in life - boys. As a child, I was taught that I would marry a Jew, as well. However, you realize as you grow up that, well, that could be slim pickings and there is much more to a relationship than the faith with which you identify. And even though there are perks to marrying "within the tribe," I am not going to limit myself to the Jared Rosendiamonds and the Noah Steinbergs of the world. And don't worry...that joke isn't offensive because I am also Jewish. Though, dating a Jewish girl can be intimidating to some non-Jews, or as my grandma calls them goyim. So, to all of you goyisher hotties out there, I want to squash any Jewish-girlfriend-hesitation that might be circulating...I have created a list of reasons why a nice Jewish girl will be the best girlfriend you've ever had.
1. Their father does not seem large or threatening.
He is quite small, a little nerdy, and surely could not take you down. But do not let that fool you - he's the smartest man alive and he will damn sure make sure that you treat me right. He'll probably ask you to play chess, go golf, or watch 60 Minutes...don't worry nothing physically strenuous, but he could mentally f*** you up. But overall, he'll play it cool with you; he's always looking for a new friend.
2. You'll be exposed to all these new foods.
I have been cooking for Passover with my Bube since I was able to walk. I know some of the food we like to eat is a little strange, but don't knock it til you try it. That "orange stuff" on bagels is actually salmon and it's delicious. You'll forget chicken soup after dating me, it's all about the matzo ball soup. Cinnabun is good but wait til you've tried ruggulah or hamentashen.
3. Their family will welcome you without hesitation.
There's just something about a big Jewish family that is so warm and loving. My mom will probably immediately ask you to cook with her in the kitchen for Yom Kippur break-fast and my uncle will offer you a glass of wine (or four). Granted, we're also a little crazy, quite dramatic and, well, hardly any holidays end without an argument, but we always come back together unchanged. But regardless, they will accept you with open arms.
4. They don't expect you to convert.
I don't care if you worship, Jesus, Mohammed, or freakin' Stephen Curry...the only religion I care about, is the one where you worship me, too.
5. They will spoil you rotten.
After going to Jewish summer camp for nine years, I know where to shop. Each summer we would all return to camp with the hottest trends, and that skill will never deteriorate. I know where to shop, where the best deals are, and how to bargain my way to get "two for one" because the button is "falling off."
6. They are not only interested in your financial status.
Believe it or not, Jews are not actually greedy. Oddly enough, religion has no effect on financial attitudes :-)
7. They are excited to celebrate Christmas (or whatever holiday) with you.
I am actually obsessed with Christmas...my Christmases always consisted of Chinese food and a movie, so it should be no surprise that I am eager to be a part of your traditions, too. You'll probably come to realize that I am more excited about Christmas than you are. And if you're all about Ramadan or Kwanza, you can still count me in! (Just let me know what the dress code is so I can plan months in advance.)
It is no secret that Jewish families know how to throw a party. Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, anniversary parties, birthday parties, even bachelor parties (yes, we do that too!)...I'll take you somewhere you'll never forget. You'll get to do the Horah, and maybe at our wedding, you'll get to be lifted in the chair.
9. They want to include your family, too.
Jewish mantra: The more the merrier! I can promise you that my family wants to be tight with your family. That means joint-thanksgivings, family dinners...our dads will golf together, our moms will shop together, your mom and my gay uncle will get brunch; and if we break up, our families will have to, too.
10. Sex is a mitzvah.
In Judaism, a mitzvah is a commandment from God. And if God commands it, well, you know...then it shall be done. Even on Shabbat. Just saying.
11. They do love Moses, but nowhere near as much as they will love you.
Of course, all of the previously listed reasons are futile without the main reason to be with someone: Love. And I can promise I will do just that. All I've ever wanted was a relationship like my parents' - full of love, trust, and friendship. And I want nothing more than to work towards that with you. There are a few other guys with whom I am close - Moses, Noah, Abraham, Isaac, God...but I'll give them the "Just Friends" talk because I only want to be with you.
