September through May can be extremely difficult; we all can relate. Summer vacation is the time to take off your Ku Klux Klan hood for a little while and kick back to some country music. Making America great again is so tiring with all of those liberals: it's time, my racist homophobic friends, to treat yourself a little. The election isn't until November, after all. And before you ask... yes. I have not an ounce of chill.
1. Build a small wall around your front yard.
We're all fully aware that the only thing you have to protect in your garden is overgrown weeds and your Confederate flag (and maybe your bootleg meth lab). This is more of a Pinterest-esque commemorative art project that simultaneously shows your support for Future President Trump than it is a protective measure. You can even get Mexico to pay for it: don't ask me how, but, you know, when they flat-out refuse you can just say that your wall is getting ten feet higher.
2. Call Neighborhood Watch about every Black person you see on your street.
Don't be fooled: even well-respected professors at Columbia University could be selling crack cocaine... not like you are, of course. I've provided the... um, "Klanline," above in the photo. They'll keep you safe... yeah. And talk about having a blast at the expense of marginalized communities of color.
3. Have a taco bowl at Trump Tower.
You love Mexican people! Just not the illegal ones stealing your jobs. Take some time out of your summer to have pseudo-Mexican food while griping about how rapey they are. Thumbs up!
4. Go on a scavenger hunt for guv'ment drones sent to take away your weapons arsenal.
If Barack Hussein Obama manages to take away your assault weapons, what will America have left? Muslims and Black people coming after us. This is war, my friends. Defend having enough guns to single-handedly win the war in Syria while having a grand old time. Everyone loves scavenger hunts! You can even shoot down those g'dam drones with your AR-15 for some target practice.
5. Completely ignore the fact that the Orlando tragedy was specifically targeted towards (shudder) them gays and run down the street yelling "Muslims!"
Like Trump said himself: if only more of those (totally not gay, because that's a sin) people brought guns to the club, perhaps they wouldn't have been victims of ISIS. Yes, ISIS, 100 percent. Not a closeted gay dude with serious anger issues and easy access to semi-automatic weapons who used ISIS as an excuse. Again, as we all know, literally every Muslim ever is part of the Islamic State. Don't forget to add to all of those "congrats" Trump has been receiving.
6. Go tanning!
7. Lie approximately 91 percent of the time.
8. Demand to see President Obama's birth certificate, over and over and over again...
9. ...And don't release your tax returns.
The best way to spend your summer is to not give in to the government (i.e. not pay your taxes). Get your food stamps, public school and free healthcare, but taxes? Pshh. But don't say that out loud: just insist that proving you are paying your taxes infringes on your rights or something. See, look, Trump will pay taxes for you! He's holding a pen over a piece of paper in a Twitter photo, so that's obviously viable proof (totally doesn't look like a huge pile of blank printer paper). Not shady.
10. Take your daughter on a steamy summer date.
Trump can't do it because he's in the spotlight; doesn't mean you can't! Come on, your daughter is like a hot version of what your wife used to be. Might I suggest hot-tubbing in your inflatable kiddy pool with a couple of Bud Lights? Or maybe take her wolf hunting out of a helicopter. ...Oh, wait, you've been doing that already? I never would have guessed.
11. Get prepared to vote for Donald Trump in the upcoming election.
It's almost time, my friends! Get out your guns, hoist up those Confederate flags and go beat people up at a Trump rally! It's time for some real change. Being the brilliant and thoughtful person that you are, you know in your heart that this racist, ignorant, egotistical orange baboon who's never succeeded in any business project is going to save our country.
With this list, you'll never get bored. Have a great summer!
