Ten years ago today, I heard my sister crying in my upstairs hallway.
Ten years ago today, I walked into my kitchen to see my neighbor crying.
Ten years ago today, I looked in my neighbors red, teary eyes as she told me my father had passed away.
Ten years ago today, I remember standing there and screaming.
Ten years ago tomorrow, I’ll remember going to see my father in the hospital, cold and hard.
Ten years ago tomorrow, I’ll remember going home, feeling empty, and not understanding why. Not understanding anything.
Ten years later, I’m sitting here thinking about my life since I lost my dad when I was 9 years old.
Everyone always tells me I’m so strong and I’m such an inspiration. Am I really strong for losing my memory of my father as each year passes by? What part of me struggling to hold on to the image of his face, the sound of his voice, the memories I had of him, is inspiring?
I’m not strong or inspirational, I’m just learning. I’ve been learning what it’s like to grow up living with just my mom. I’ve been learning to appreciate the bond between me, my siblings and my mom. I’ve been learning to love my mom with everything I have, because every day I have the fear that it could be her last. Growing up in fear that God’s going to take her too. Losing a father at age 9 means a life not where I’m hurting and struggling to learn to live without my dad, but rather a life where I’m struggling to hold on to his memory. I wish I could remember. I wish I knew what a life with my dad looked like. That’s what hurts the most. It’s so hard to mourn for someone you can hardly remember. It’s so hard to be comforted about the loss of your dad when you feel guilty that you hardly know what you’re morning anymore.
Ten years of being afraid, 10 years of listening to my friend’s stories about their dads. Ten years full of proms, boyfriends, learning to drive, graduating, going to college, moving. Ten years of milestones without my father.
Please understand that this isn’t a broken story. This is a story of growth. While it was ten years of pain and struggling, it was 10 years full of love from my family and friends. Ten years of trying not let people go that you care about. Ten years of appreciating the people in my life and not taking them for granted.Ten years of being thankful for the years that I did get to know my dad. Ten years of striving to be like my father.
To be like a man who was full of life, full of love, full of joy to give to others. To be like a man who had a passion for people, music, and humor. To be like a man who people looked up to. I’ve had 10 wonderful years of trying to live like my dad did. I’ve had 10 incredible years of keeping my father alive in my heart. I’ve had 10 amazing years of creating a bond with my mother and siblings that a lot of other families don’t have. I've had 10 years of sharing my story with others. I've had 10 years of relating to other kids who've lost their parents. I've had 10 years to grow.
Ten years ago, I lost my dad.
Ten years later, I’m sitting here smiling because he was one of my biggest blessings.
Ten years later, I’m more thankful for my family than I’ve ever been.
Ten years later, I’m still learning, year by year, what a life without my father looks like.
Praise God for the years I had with him, and praise God for when I’ll see him again.
Dad, I love the heck out of you, and I miss you every day.
Ten years today.
