Six years ago, a new writer by the name of E. L. James published her first book, Fifty Shades of Grey. The world was taken by storm because of the book's erotic content. In fact, the world managed to completely overlook the fact that Fifty Shades is easily one of the worst books published in American history. Strip away all the sex scenes, and you're left with an awful plot full of flat characters and awful writing. Still, Hollywood decided to turn the garbage into a movie, and this Valentine's Day is the release of the sequel. Before you jump on the bandwagon to give E. L. James more money, I would recommend reading these ten, real quotes from her first novel.
1. "His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel...or something."
This reminds me of when I was younger and thought more adjectives made the sentence better. Of course, I've come to learn that less is more. Next, I must address the "or something". What was she trying to say? Why did she add that on the end? How are people actually buying this?
2. "My inner goddess sways in a gentle victorious samba."
This quote is so relatable because every time something good happens to me, I envision a tiny woman gently swaying her hips inside of my body. I guess I can understand the whole 'inner goddess' thing, but why must she sway in a gentle samba? It's honestly irrelevant.
3. "I'm all deer/headlights, moth/flame, bird/snake- and he knows exactly what he's doing to me."
I'm pretty sure James typed this and forgot to edit it out. None of those things even have anything in common. What is the "bird/snake" comparison all about? I'm completely dumbfounded. Take a look at the picture above. Does that correlate to a deer in headlights? Not a chance.
4. "Don't you like the butt drawer?"
No, not really, but thanks for asking.
5. "Argon? It rings a distant bell from chemistry class- an element, I think."
She thinks. Yes, it is indeed an element. The next time my parents start harping on me for "not learning anything in school", I'll remind them that a woman from their generation was unsure of whether or not argon was an element.
6. "My inner goddess is beside herself, hopping from foot to foot."
Okay, here goes the inner goddess again. Maybe it's just me, but the mental image of someone hopping from foot to foot is nothing short of hilarious. I myself have never hopped foot to foot, but it is not beneath this inner goddess to do so.
7. "The elevator whisks me with terminal velocity to the twentieth floor."
Sing it with me- "one of these things is not like the other!" In case you didn't know, terminal velocity refers to the highest velocity attainable by an object as it falls through a substance. So in other words, no, the elevator did not whisk you away with terminal velocity. It's like James took one physics class in high school and wants everyone to know.
8. "I must be the color of The Communist Manifesto."
There is such a thing as trying too hard. Sometimes, it's better to just say "red". You might even wish to say "I must be the color of a blooming rose" and people would definitely get the point. The Communist Manifesto is over the top, to say the lease.
9. "My inner goddess fist pumps the air above her chaise lounge."
I really wish you would stop talking about your inner goddess. Also, why is your inner goddess just sitting around on a chaise lounge? If I had an inner god, I imagine that he would probably just stand around in my subconsciousness. He definitely wouldn't fist pump the air either, this isn't a rave.
10. "Christian Grey just sent me winking smiley...oh my."
I remember saying things like this with my friends in middle school! I mean really, nothing screams sexy like a winking smiley. I'm beyond turned on right now just from thinking about receiving a winking smiley from someone.
If you enjoyed these quotes, there's plenty more from this book as well as her entire series, and they only get worse from here. If you ever feel discouraged about writing a book or think that you might not get published, just remember that this garbage made it through, and now E. L. James has a net worth of eighty million dollars.
