I have never been solicited for nudes.This is a disappointment, because I've been preparing to deny any solicitor faster than a Scrooge would turn away girl scouts selling cookies. Below are the most efficient ways to drive solicitors from your metaphorical door.
1. Send your solicitor a picture of themselves.
When they ask what gives, simply tell them you thought they wanted a picture of a giant asshole.
2. Send a recording.
Sometimes, nothing is sexier than a sultry voice. Unfortunately, your solicitor will never know because they just received about 30 seconds of squishy vomit noises.
3. Take a screenshot of your latest raid in Worlds of Warcraft.
Simply say you thought the solicitor meant newbs and move on with your life.
4. Send them a link to the kind of video they really need to see.
Like this this montage of Rick from Pawn Stars laughing.
5. Send a picture of a bunch of dogs.
Dogs are usually pretty naked so there's a good chance your solicitor meant they wanted to see some dogs.
6. Take a video.
Turn on your camera, wink seductively, and then swallow the camera whole and poop it out. Not only will it throw your solicitor off guard, you'll have a video to teach kids about the digestive system with. Learning really can be fun.
7. Tell them you're about to get as naked as you want.
Wait a little bit, then send your solicitor a a picture of you in every coat you could find. You're really going to be hot stuff.
8. Send a picture of ice.
And then send more pictures of ice every time your solicitor follows up. Fill their phone with images of ice, crushed, like their spirit soon will be. Soon their phone will pop up with a warning about limited memory space. Maybe, just maybe, they'll start to delete old picture before they start to delete messages. Make them live through the modern hell that is deciding if every moment they've recorded for the last 3 months is really worth the memories. Make them feel the pang of regret when they have to delete a photo of their family. Make them suffer in a way only a modern human can, by reigning as supreme ice monarch over the only form of memory that doesn't fade away over many winters. Plus, it's a good way to remember to stay cool during this scorching summer!
9. Do what you think is best.
If you want to send something, are in the correct mindset to do so, and have some kind of trusting relationship with the other... what the heck, get really naked and do whatever naked people do.
10. Show no mercy.
Thumb-Thumbs are the robot servants of Floop in the first Spy Kids movie. They are a torso and five thumbs. Send the solicitor spiraling into a void of regret and dead nostalgia while killing their libido in one fell swoop by sending them this picture:
In an instant, your solicitor will be forced to associate the above image, and by extension the entire Spy Kids series, with misguided and confused lust. Their confusion will only deepen when, upon re-watching the original Spy Kids for the first time since they were children, they realize why their parents looked so forlorn when leaving the theater: the movie is terrible. The rose tinted glasses fall to the ground and shatter. Your solicitor is reduced to a shell of their former self, left to drift the world alone and unable to look at their own thumbs ever again. Surely they'll leave you alone after that.
