While sitting on the train back to the ye olde suburbs one day, I heard a man rip a loud one behind me and I thought to myself as my nose shriveled into a piece of kale, could he not have warned us that was on the way out? Which got me thinking of all the strange scenarios in life that honestly would be slightly more acceptable (or at least courteous) with warning signs. If you identify with any of these as the culprit yourself, this is your warning to get a warning.
1. WARNING! WILL PASS SILENT AND DEADLY GASSES AT ANY GIVEN MOMENT. PROCEED WITH CAUTION.
Ahh, my inspiration for this rant. If you cut the cheese in silence and create moments of agony for the innocent civilians around you, you should be giving some sort of warning. If that's too embarrassing for you, you a) need to get your head in order because its more embarrassing when you do it without warning and b) do some (butt?) exercises to try and hold it in in the future. Please.
2. DANGER: WILL BREAK HEARTS AND MYSTERIOUSLY STOP RESPONDING TO YOUR TEXTS.
Seriously? Whatever gender you do or don't identify with, please pause for a moment and realize your douchey behavior. You may not be so head-over-heels for that person, but you know if they have started to form feelings for you and in situations like those, that person deserves an explanation for your unexpected and unannounced farewell. Yes, all may be fair in love and war and sometimes you just don't feel it anymore, but that doesn't mean you have to be mean about it amirite?
3. SPLASH ZONE: INDIVIDUALS WITHIN 10 FEET SHOULD WEAR GOGGLES OR OTHER LIQUID PROTECTIVE GEAR IN ORDER TO AVOID SPORADIC SPRAYS OF SALIVA.
I beg of you, if you're one of these people, never become a lecturer or TA because you will probably have voodoo dolls of you hidden in the closets of several dorms and apartments. Jk (no guarantees though). But in all seriousness, no one appreciates mists of fresh saliva in their face unless maybe you are Channing Tatum or Blake Lively (in which case keep it coming).
4. FIRE HAZARD: TOO HOT TO HANDLE, WILL BURN YOUR INSIDES FROM PASSION.
LOL, so maybe this is a stretch but there are some lovers out there that are so passionate and strong that they really take everything out of an individual and sometimes, that person asks for a lot more of your time than necessary. In cases like these, they should come with a warning because you may crash and burn once its all said and done while also possibly causing a drop in your GPA, going MIA from your friends and becoming a lovesick hermit that only hangs out with their significant other. You know who you are.
5. WARNING! ANNOYING LAUGHTER WILL MAKE YOU GO INSANE AFTER 20 MINUTES.
Like the saying goes, no one's perfect. These people are sometimes the most attractive and smartest individuals, and yet, when you get them laughing, you wish you could just go back in time and discuss duck organs in depth in order to make them fall asleep and create your escape. If you've got my luck though, duck organs may be their favorite subject…
6. ATTENTION: WILL CAUSE DEATH FROM BOREDOM.
Hey, this may be you if you tried that duck organ strategy and it worked. But enough about that, these people truly are gifted with the ability to make the largest of insomniacs go to bed for hours with what seems like a snap of the fingers. However, don't be fooled, they are no magicians, its just their monotonous voices dragging on about painfully uninteresting subjects for as long as they possibly can.
7. WARNING! WILL MOOCH AT ALL TIMES.
These leeches love to survive off of other's hard work. Whether its class work, notes, money, food or even friends, they love to bask in the royalties of everything they didn't have a part in acquiring. If you are this awful human parasite, start off by accepting your problem and perhaps a swift punch in the face from yourself to you. (kidding)
8. ATTENTION: DOES NOT KNOW WHAT CLEAN IS AND HAS NO DESIRE TO LIVE IN A CLEAN ENVIRONMENT.
and you're just like...
This is a great warning sign when you're looking for roommates because boy does it end up messy (literally and figuratively) when you find out that the person your living with is okay with having dirty dishes sitting out for weeks and never cleaning up after themselves. "Flies? They're my best friend dude!" NO THANKS.
9. CAUTION: WILL CAUSE DISTRACTION WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO ANYTHING PRODUCTIVE IN LIFE.
These are the people that are great to rage at the bars with, but the ones to avoid during midterms and finals week because 100% guaranteed you won't be getting any work done when you're "studying" with them.
10. WARNING! ANGRY DRUNK.
Goodness gracious, these people need a medical tag for their drunk hostility. You try to help them, but they continue to fuel the fire, pick fights and perhaps even punch a few walls. The next day, they wake up and remember none of it and proceed to lather, rinse and repeat their drunken mistakes.
