So many times I look at my little furry friend to reassure him, to calm his anxieties, to let him know how much I love his companionship, and for the love of God don't pee on the carpet!! I try to communicate with him so we can work through our problems, but he just does not understand-- he gives me his adorable head tilt in confusion because he understands that I am trying to tell him something, he just does not understand what. Here are some things that would really make life a lot easier if my dog could understand.
1. The dog barking on the TV is not here and he will not hurt you
Switch out "dog" for doorbell or cat and we are still dealing with the same problem. If I had a quarter for every time a dog barked on a commercial and my puppy went nuts trying to find the phantom dog, I would not have to consider selling my kidney on the black market. I just want to watch funny cat videos in peace without having to consider putting my furry friend in a straitjacket.
2. I hope that you understand that I am your mother
You are my absolute pride and joy. I cannot imagine loving anyone any more than I love you, even my future children and they better well know that you are the favorite child. I apologize for all of the times that I have dressed you up in ridiculous outfits and costumes, it is only because I think you are the cutest pup in the world and I want everyone to know it.
3. If you have to go to the bathroom, just tell me
I will admit, I'm not a mind reader.. but if you make enough of a fuss, I will eventually put two and two together that you have to go outside. I know, it's probably not the best thing in the world to have to pee outside, but it could be worse.. you could have to pee in a box like the cat.
4. Leaving you hurts me more than it hurts you
Trust me, I wish I could take you everywhere with me. Every time I leave for class, work, the grocery store, or to go to the bathroom my heart breaks a little bit as you stare at me. Do you wonder if I am ever coming back? Do you think that I am cheating on you with another dog? These are the questions that torture me as you are probably sleeping, unaffected by my absence.
5. Actually, don't be surprised if I start sneaking you into places
As long as you sit nicely in my purse or on my lap covered by my shirt then we are good. If for whatever reason someone plays a funny cat video, our cover would be instantly blown... you would not make a good secret agent.
6. There are so many times during the day that I genuinely wish I could text you
There are times when I am trying to be a responsible adult, but I would just much rather just text you and see what you are up to. I would love to know if you have to go to the bathroom or if I have time to get Starbucks before I go home. Also, it would be nice if you could update me on the news because I leave CNN on for you when I leave, and it bothers me that you are more politically informed than me, especially because you can't vote.
7. Please explain to me your obsession with chewing pens
I am sure that I would not be as angry with you when you chew my favorite glitter gel pen and get the ink EVERYWHERE if I understood WHY. You honestly have so many toys that taste good, have different textures, squeak, bounce, roll, etc. and you choose to play with a pen? Seriously, I spend hundreds of dollars buying you the hottest toys in the dog market for Christmas, but all you want is a pen... I do not understand your kind.
8. I really do try hard to make everything special for you
Whether it is your first 4th of July being a member of my family or you learned a new trick, I want to make sure that you know how special you are to me and how much you mean to me. I am very proud of all of your accomplishments, like when you go to the bathroom outside, when you sit the first time I ask you, when you don't run away every time I open the door.
9. I know people food tastes delicious, but it makes you sick
First of all, I do not bother you when you eat dinner so I would appreciate some common curtesy if you do not bother me when I eat mine. Second, sometimes you do not even like the food I am eating-- what, do you just want to try it again and see if you magically like it this time? I am not going to waste any more pasta, I darn well know that you do not like anything with wheat in it so I am not going to give it to you just so you can spit it out for me to clean up. Third, people food is not for puppies, and you should know that by now considering that you throw up every time you go through to garbage to get at my leftovers.
10. You truly are my best friend
Yes, sometimes I get frustrated with you because you do not understand me or I do not understand you. I do not know why you feel the need to follow me every time I go to the bathroom, then get upset when I start peeing. I don't get your thing with tampons.. that's just gross and wrong. I do not know why you get upset when I do my homework at my desk and you only calm down when I move to my bed, even though I set up a little area for you right by my desk so we could still snuggle. I'm sure my yoga confuses you and why I can eat different things every day while you have to eat the same thing. There are moments where the language barrier between us can sometimes make things unnecessarily complicated. However nothing is better than waking up to you cuddling next to me every morning, seeing how excited you get during our morning and evening walks makes my heart smile, and while it pains me to leave you at home every day, coming back to your wagging tail makes me forget all about the day's stresses. So thank you, for being your weird, silly, and adorable self! I will never know what I did to deserve you.
