I turn 20 in a few months, and going into my second decade - it's a pretty big one. There are people who say I've officially turned into an adult, and some say that, "Nah. That doesn't come until 21." Regardless of these opposing opinions, here are 10 things that I've learned before turning 20, and 10 things that without learning, I probably wouldn't be in the position, place, or the person I am now.
1. Speak your voice regardless over the fear that may await you in consequence.
Use your voice in the form of what's comfortable to you. Whether it's writing it out (as I usually do), speaking out in a piece of art, or even just over the dinner table, don't be scared to actually do it. Usually the fears that you are afraid of either subside the second you say what's on your mind or the voices that oppose you change their minds to what you have to say. If neither of those things happen, take pride in the fact that you're standing your ground for something you believe in, something you care about. More often than not, you'll be making a change in how you present yourself. It's confidence, and it's important.
2. Even though you are allowed to leave anyone in your life that is toxic, you also have to understand it's OK for someone to leave you if you're being toxic.
It's a two way street, and one that not a lot of people get. If you're unhappy with someone in your life, and you are tired of the way they treat you, you have all the flashing green signs to tell you that it is completely OK. However, it's important to realize the vice versa rings true as well. If someone decides you are toxic to them, you have no right to tell them you aren't because it goes both ways. A lot of times, we don't understand what makes us toxic and it's tough to fix it, but we have to acknowledge the fact that if someone is unhappy, they have every right to leave you. Just like you, them.
3. Invest in yourself, no matter how time consuming or tiring it may seem.
One of the most common quotes I hear on a daily basis is: "You can't love others unless you love yourself." I'm here to tell you that that is complete bull. You can love others, and others can love you. Regardless the personal pleasure that will come from loving yourself will overpower any other type of love that you may receive. Self-educate yourself, self-care your body, your mind, and do everything in your power to get to know yourself. Learn how to grow, level up, be positive about this change - I promise you, you will not regret it. Knowing who you are and loving who you are both play large roles in shaping you to be who you are today so you can love those you want to love.
4. Learn how to be confrontational.
Saying no and saying stop are two very difficult things to learn. Especially if the conversation had is with someone you love. Sometimes it's with someone you don't love, and that makes it that much harder. Despite the one you're talking to, being confrontational is necessary. If you're shy and you don't firmly voice your answer, you might just end up being in a position you don't want to be in. Don't go out of your comfort zone just to be uncomfortable, and don't do something you just feel obligated to when you really have no intention of doing it. Don't do that to yourself.
5. Though it may take time to get there, empathy needs to be instilled deep within your soul.
With heartless crimes being committed, hate trumping love in every news story you hear about, even a friend coming to you for advice, empathy is an important characteristic that many fail to have. And if they do have it, many execute it wrong. Now you're probably thinking, "Varsha, how in the world can someone empathize incorrectly?" Well, for starters, don't attempt to link every situation to how you feel. Instead, listen. Really listen, and listen wholeheartedly. Don't think about how it relates to you or what you're going to say next or have advice lined up the second the voice talking is done. Just listen and understand. If they ask you for advice, give them advice. Sometimes, it's easier to just say, "i understand," or, "I'm sorry," or, "That must suck." It's okay to not have a solution to everything, just listen and feel.
6. The past is the past, and the longer you make it your present, the longer your present will be distorted by the past.
It sounds like a tongue twister, but read it again and it will make more sense. Stop reading those old text messages, those old letters, those old posts. Don't relive bad memories in hope of a bittersweet change where everything will work out in your favor. More often than not, nothing will change, and more often than not, you will miss out on opportunities that the present will offer you. You'll push back everything you may get (your successes, your victories) for something you already had. It's not fair to your present self or the hurt your past self felt in the situation. Save both versions of you the pain, and get on with your life. You can do it; I know you can.
7. Don't allow others to define you.
Under absolutely no circumstances should you let anyone tell you who you are, who you should be, and/or who you could be. That is up to you and you. Do not let anyone put you in labels, in categories where you don't belong, or names you don't want to be called. Speak up about it. Be who you want to be, unapologetically. This world is filled with people, who for some godforsaken reason, don't want you to be happy and even though, you cannot control those people or their actions...you can control the consequences of when it is sprung upon you.
8. Everyone is working on themselves at their own pace, so comparing yourself to someone else when they're at a different spot in their life makes no sense.
Stop comparing yourself to others. It's not a race, and it sure as hell isn't a fight to compete to the end to. Everyone is at a different spot in their lives, at different happiness levels. If you're at point B and they're at point R, you yourself have to admit there is no logic in comparing yourselves at such different points in life. You will get to point R and in time, you will realize that not comparing you with that other girl or with that other boy will have made that journey so much easier.
9. FOMO is real and devastatingly real, but don't let it take over your life.
Life is constantly going. There will always be another party, another concert, another event, another "thing-all-your-friends-are-going-to", another adventure. And there will always be days where all you want to do is stay in bed, watch Netflix, and sleep the day away. Please don't sacrifice everything you want to do just for the sake of making yourself go crazy at the thought of missing out on memories you could've made. The amount of memories (amazing, amazing memories) that will be made in your lifetime will be more than you can count. Don't worry about all the details, and don't sacrifice your well-being for a memory. Let it come on its own.
10. Communication is important and should be a priority.
Communication is hard, but it's necessary that you keep yourself on top of it. There will be times where you will forget to call your best friend or your mother. There will be times where you will miss that FaceTime, and it will be OK. However, remind yourself to keep in contact. You will regret not having that one conversation at 4AM or not catching up with a high school friend. These things happen because life happens, but never ever forget the value of keeping a relationship healthy and alive - communication.
This list, by no means, stops here. I've learned so many little things that lead into bigger ideas that lead into huge concepts. These "life lessons" are only the beginning to what I will learn in the future. It's important to acknowledge what you do learn, count your blessings, and realize this is your path to self-growth. It's an amazing thing, and I cannot be more thankful for the people, the experiences, and the situations that have allowed me to learn these things.
