If there is one thing that I really don't understand about our society, it's our ability to share useless information about our lives that we know people don't care about. There are certain things that we just can't help discussing, no matter how uninterested the other person is going to be. I cannot say that I, personally, am not guilty of doing this, but I have grown tired of our bizarre ways. I have taken it upon myself to make things very clear, concise, and simple for the general public.
Without further ado, here are 10 things that I do not want to talk to you about:
1. Your high school experience.
I don't know any of your friends, teachers, enemies, lab partners, or romantic interests from high school. So, why in the world do you think I care to hear about that time Becky pulled the fire alarm and Mr. Smith had to suspend her? Here's a general rule: if the other person can't even attempt to conjure up a mental image of what your story must have looked like, they probably don't want to hear it.
2. Your significant other.
I'm happy that you're happy. I really am. But I really couldn't care less about whether or not your boyfriend is keeping your birthday gift a surprise. I also don't wish to be reminded of your anniversary every 6 months, and I certainly do not want to read the cute text message he/she sent you late last night.
3. Your lack of significant other.
I cannot tell you how little I care about your lack of boyfriend. Are you honestly that in need of companionship that you have to have an outburst about it 14 times a day? I am sure you will find the right girl or guy soon enough, but patience is a virtue, so please stop talking about it.
4. How nobody truly understands you.
David Foster Wallace, my favorite author, once wrote: "How odd I can have all this inside me, and to you it's just words". Nobody understands you. Nobody understands anyone else either.
5. Your dream last night.
There are only very special circumstances where I am genuinely interested in the retelling of a dream someone had the night before. Unless I have some personal connection to this dream, chances are relatively high that I won't want to hear about it.
6. Gossip you heard about your ex.
How do you expect me to respond to this? What am I supposed to say? Literally the only person that cares about what your ex is doing is you and whoever he is currently with. Please keep me out of it.
7. The story behind an inside joke that I am not a part of.
There is a 97 percent chance that I will not find your story as funny as you and your friends do. I'm not upset about it, really. Just please try to spare me that awkward moment where you try to explain the joke and I have to fake chuckle at the end while you and your friends are expecting me to be dry-heaving from the hilarity.
8. How fun the party that I didn't go to was.
Do you have any idea how hard it probably was for me to miss that party in the first place? I was most likely cooped up in my bed all night, liking instagram pictures and feeling sorry for myself as I wrote six pages of an essay I procrastinated for the past month on.
9. How great your GPA is this semester.
I always appreciate a hard worker, but it is midterm season and I am really not interested in how well you're doing.
10. Your healthy eating habits.
Your healthy lifestyle is commendable and something that I wish I had the willpower to keep up. Unfortunately, however, Grubhub is one of the top used apps on my phone, and I have a borderline alarming addiction to pasta.
