All my thicker-lower-body ladies out there: Holla! If you were graced with what the kids are calling "junk in the truck" or "a banging booty" nowadays, community: read. Even if you weren't given a Cadillac back you can read on and decide if you like your small tight tush, or if you should pick up that squat bar and start dropping it like it's hot. A large backside can either be a curse or a blessing. But the struggle is real and it happens every day.
Does the perfect pair of jeans exist?
Usually if you have a booty kaboom, you also have big thighs. It is so difficult to go jean shopping and fit a pair of jeans that are too big for your legs, but fit your ass, or, if you get the pair of jeans that go over your thighs but cannot get it over the orbit of your butt to save your life. When you do find a pair that fits both your thighs and butt amazingly you feel so excited...until you notice the gap between your waist and the back of your pants. Because the world hates you and won't let the jeans fit your thighs, butt, AND waist. You can't have it all.
The joy of leggings.
Leggings are a girls best friends. I am so thankful for whoever created this miracle. They are the best daily wear, workout pants, lounge wear, and pajamas. But if you have a well-developed gluteus maximus and you tried to wear leggings to high school, the world ended. You were reprimanded before you got to your first class. It isn't fair; you just wanna be comfy. You can't wear your ill-fitting jeans every day.
The length dilemma of skirts and dresses.
So you are out shopping and you find out that Forever 21 is selling all their summer dresses for $15. You know it's going to be a successful day. You take way too many dresses and skirts to the dressing room. You look in the mirror and find the PERFECT summer dress for that country concert. You turn around and find that your salt shaker is about to peek out from the bottom if you even try to take one step. it turns out every dress and skirt is like this. To find any type of dress or skirt that covers enough of your derriere, you better be prepared for it to be at least below the middle of the front of your thigh. To be safe, you might wanna go for knee length. Normal length on your friends = mini- mini- mini- miniskirt for you.
Dancing is made easier.
When you have that ghetto booty, you don't even have to move for it to cause an earthquake. You walk and it's out there wiggling and jiggling and other adverbs that I can't say. So when you and your friends are out having a good time, dancing is so much easier. You don't even have to know how to dance, just shifting your hips back and forth makes it look like your are purposely shaking your money maker. But since this booty-shaking grace happens, this can signal the others in the room to try and come to dance with you. If this is your goal, congrats, girl. But if you are just aiming for fun single girls' wolf pack night...prepare for a lot of interruptions.
Butt stuff.
Throwing this in here heaps quick...if you have a large bubble butt, you know they are going to ask for butt stuff. That's it. K, thanks, bye.
You have another form of ID.
Obviously, all your friends can pick you out across campus when you are walking towards them, but they can also tell it's you if you are walking far in front of them. You are identifiable from the front AND the back. You can never become invisible.
Short shorts.
See number three. Replace dress and skirts with shorts. Normal length on friends = peekaboo butt cheeks on you.
Bathing suit shopping.
You will NEVER be able to buy the same size top and bottom. So instead of getting that suit that comes top and bottoms on one hanger, you might as well grab the larger suit as well. It is a long, long game of mix and match.
Music.
You will always have plenty of songs written about you or songs you can relate to. Artists love the booty and love preaching about it. Here are just a couple of anthems: "#TWERKIT" by Busta Rhymes, "Anaconda" by Sir Mix A lot, "Anaconda" by Nikki, "Salt Shaker" by Ying Yang Twins, "Ass Like That" by Eminem, "Booty" by J-Lo, "All About That Bass" by Miss Trainor, "Low" by Flo Rida, and of course "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas.
The (rear) end of it all.
Be glad you have this gift. The struggle can be real, I know. BUT many want the gift of booty, and many do countless squats and lunges in an attempt to get it. Respect the booty while you still have it.
