Last week I brought you an intriguing list of extreme truths about the “basic” girl. This week the focus will shift as I will be breaking down the basic bro. The “bro,” “dude,” “man” as defined by Urban Dictionary is an “exceedingly ordinary male” or “the male equivalent of a 'basic bitch'". So I put on my super judgmental thinking cap and came up with 10 things that basic bros do.
1. A basic bro knows exactly how much he drank the night before, even if he “blacked out”. He will be able to quote exactly what he had at a moments notice if questioned by a friend. “Four Bud lights, two Natty lights, red bull vodka, fire ball shots, and some four loco.” A basic bro always knows his drinks.
2. Playing the guitar in public (badly). This fellow is often seen wearing a tight shirt and belting out the vocals to some mainstream love artist, such as the famous and greatly talented Nickelback. He will be looking to spend most him time not actually playing but holding the guitar and bragging about musical things he has accomplished.
3. Talking about high school sports. This sign of a basic bro will come about extremely quickly and is an early warning sign of someone’s basicness. They are stuck in the old days and can’t stop reliving their one moment in high school when they did something of semi importance that one time.
4. Taking pictures of themselves working out. If you’re a fitness expert, I will tell you this doesn’t apply to you, but when I see guys in the gym taking pictures of themselves for Snapchat after every set, I will stereotype you quickly. You’re more concerned about the world knowing that “you lift bro” than actually “lifting bro.”
5. Wears the two typical basic bro outfits. The first one consists of a backwards fitted hat, an Ed Hardy shirt (or generic cut off T-shirt), and cargo shorts. Just run away from those quickly. The second consists of khaki shorts, an untucked button down, and Nike socks. This second one is hit or miss, but you’ll be safe knowing that this guy is most likely completely normal. A bonus that tops all outfits is sunglasses indoors. Just know I hate you.
6. Getting extremely into intramural sports games. You’ll find this bro is willing to do whatever it takes to win. He will be extremely upset with his teammates, even if they are his friends. He will knock out a girl if that’s what it takes to win. This basic bro takes sports games to the EXTREME and is super INTENSE about everything with no interest in fun and tons of interest in looking like a try hard.
7. You have basic word use. Your vocabulary consists of calling your friends your “bros” and calling normal things “epic” and using “no homo.” You can’t go 15 minutes without saying the word “dude” even in a conversation with a woman. Read a book, bro.
8. Your wear excessive amounts of cologne that leaves you smelling like a walking Hollister store or AXE commercial. I honestly don’t think I need to explain this.
9. You’re constantly trying to fight someone. You’re pretty damn basic if every time you go out you have to find some little reason to prove you’re a big boy and fight people. Sometimes fights happen, but to be honest, most of the time it’s just someone trying to swing their stuff and show off their basicness.
10. Treating girls like shit. A basic bro has no respect for any female. He will loudly call dibs on a girl, try to slap or grab a girl in inappropriate places, and loudly yell at his girlfriend in public. This basic bro signifies the worst of the worst of the basics.
Now you might be thinking to yourself, “Well I qualify for a few of these” or “Wait Sean, you’re basic.” Well duh, everyone has basic tendencies. As no girl is ever going to hate fall, no guy is going to be completely unique. Being “basic” is just something that was made up to put completely normal people down.
That being said if you qualify for all of these, you should do some serious soul searching or at least just calm down with the body spray.
