It has now been four months since the passing of my grandma. Before she passed, I was working on an article on why I loved her. It was not until recently that I was able to open it again. But for these reasons, and so many more, the loss of my grandma has been one of the hardest (if not the hardest) things I have gone through so far in my life.

Back when she had been diagnosed, but we did not yet know how serious it was, I would have moments of panic thinking about what it would mean to lose her. I tried to reason that since she was healthy when I left and she was a strong woman, surely she would survive longer than average or God would work some miracle. As the weeks dragged on and people began to realize how serious it was, I definitely had moments sitting by myself when I would be overcome with so much panic that I would stop breathing for 10-20 seconds.

I honestly could not imagine a life without her. I could not imagine her not being at my college graduation, or my wedding, or other important times in my life. I could not imagine her not being there to celebrate major holidays and events with the family. I could not imagine not having her alto harmonies carry through the church on a Sunday. I could not imagine visiting home and not seeing her there to greet me with a big hug. I could not imagine a life without her, yet that is where we are today.

Home honestly does not feel the same. It is yet another reminder that this earth is not our home, and there is so much more glory awaiting us in Heaven. But it still hurts each and every day knowing that I no longer get to share my proudest and most joyful moments with her. The reasons below for why she was so special do not suffice to capture all the kindness and extraordinary grace that my grandma had, but it is a reflection of a small fraction of what I loved about her.

The remaining parts of this piece were written in November of 2017, after her diagnoses, but before she passed, so almost everything is in the present tense. Here are ten reasons why I loved and still love my grandma and miss her more than words can explain.

1. Your hugs

My grandma is known for her hugs. One of my memories of their 40th wedding celebration back in 2008 was during the open mic portion. Over and over again, people from our church and other areas of life mentioned my grandma’s hugs. She has a great gift of being able to bring joy and love through her hugs. She honestly gives the best hugs in the world.

2. Your support

No matter what activity I participate in or how many performances I give, my grandma is there. She and my grandpa make a point to support their grandchildren, and I could always count on them being there at some of my biggest moments in high school. Over and over again, she has pushed me to pursue the gifts that God has given me, and that means more to me than anyone will ever know. My proudest moments are not when I am up on a stage being honored for some accomplishment. My proudest moment is after the ceremony when she hugs me and tells me how proud she is of me. That is when I feel like I have accomplished something special.

3. Beautiful at any age

It is from my grandma that I learned the definition of true beauty. She shows that beauty was not as much about how you looked, but how you carry yourself and how you treat others. My grandma is a beautiful woman inside and out, and she has a great sense of style. But her most beautiful moments are not when she is all dressed up for an event, but rather when she is on her hands and knees playing with the children in nursery or making a meal for someone in need. She showed me that beauty shines from the inside out.

4. Joyful spirit

Very rarely does my grandma ever have a negative thing to say. No matter the situation she always brings a sense of joy and hope. Even in the hardest of times, she still sees hope in the situation. Even now, as cancer is attacking her body, she is constantly talking about the faithfulness of God in all of this. She is a testament to where true joy is found. This joy has given her strength beyond understanding.

5. Introducing me to music

My grandma was the person who got me started with piano lessons, and she would take me to music events every once in a while. I owe my love of music to her. Music has been one of the greatest blessings in my life, and I am so thankful for the influence that it has had on me. I cannot even imagine my life without music, and I have her to thank for planting that seed.

6. Amazing role model

My grandma has been a role model for me and so many others. Her perseverance and joy are things that I hope to emulate every day. If I could have even a fraction of the grace and love that she possesses, I would be extremely glad. She has shown what it means to be a good mother, grandmother, wife, and friend. Her commitment to my grandpa is one of the most inspiring things I have witnessed. I would sacrifice a lot to have a relationship like theirs.

7. Woman of faith

I am so blessed to have a woman of faith like my grandma to look up to. Not only is she extremely involved in the church, but she has also raised a family of faith that has passed it on to their children. And it is evident that she is a woman of God. She lives out her faith through actions, giving me and so many others a wonderful role model.

8. Serves others

My grandma has helped with every church in some way. One of my favorite parts of summer is being able to serve with her in the nursery for VBS. She does so much for the people around her, from making meals to simply giving them someone to talk to. She has a servant’s heart and a gift for hospitality.

9. You love me

All throughout my life, the fact that she loves me has never been in question. I know I am valued and loved by her. I have kept all the cards she has written me throughout the years, and they are some of my most treasured possessions because they are a reminder of how much she loves me. And when I did not feel valued and loved by other people in my life, her love has been something that I could look to.

10. Food

This list would not be complete without mentioning how great of a baker and cook my grandma is. It is one of the ways that she tangibly shows her love. Every fall, I look forward to her persimmon cookies. Dinner at her house is always a treat, and New Years is not complete without her olie bollen. And I will always treasure waking up to the smell of breakfast every time I stayed at her house for whatever reason. Even as a kid, when I tried to help bake or cook, she showed extraordinary patience and always managed to make it taste good (even if I was a less than perfect cook). Food is one of the ways that she shows her love and serves others.