If you're reading this, i̶t̶'̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶l̶a̶t̶e̶ you're probably a single-pringle like me... rolling your eyes and suppressing the urge to vomit every time you see all the taken-bacons post their sickeningly adorable pictures on social media. Seriously, when did everyone become one half of an annoyingly cute couple? I like to think I'm a nice person, but the thoughts that run through my head after scrolling through page after page on Instagram might say otherwise. Although I'm used to the single-lady life, I know a lot of people that are not familiar with this alienated feeling. You could always force-feed yourself ice cream and mope around, but let me tell you...it's not worth it. Here are all the reasons why being in a relationship is seriously overrated.
1. You need someone to comfort you when you're sad?
No, no. It's much better to bottle up all your emotions and tell absolutely no one until, one day, you pop like a balloon.
2. You've found the person you want to spend the rest of your life with?
Um. Yeah, that's a little lame. I've found the maximum amount of strawberries I can fit in my mouth without puking (six), so I think we both know who's winning at life here.
3. You think you need to be up-close and personal with that eye candy every day?
What on earth makes you want someone real when you can lovingly stalk countless celebrities from afar who will never know you exist as a human being?
4. You think you need to go on a date?
Wrong. Why would you want to disappoint your bed by leaving it? And don't forget about the little voice in your head... who will talk to him when you're gone? Yeah, you and your voice don't need anyone else. Two is company, but three is a crowd. Never forget that.
5. You think you need human contact?
False. The soft touch of a furry giraffe pillow pet is the only warm body you will ever need. Humans can and will disappoint you but your pillow pet...? He's the realest, and don't you ever underestimate his loyalty.
6. You want Valentine's Day or anniversary presents?
Have you never heard of #treatyoself? That's right. "Clothes. Fragrances. Massages. Mimosas." Do any of those things require another person? I didn't think so. So what if you never wear that $3,000 dress because you realize it's fugly, but they don't take returns? Good thing you have no one to wear it for anyway, #amirite?
7. You need someone to show off to your friends?
Um...ever heard of a tamagotchi? That shit will give you endless popularity. 10/10 would recommend in place of a significant other
8. You need someone to have a cute New Year's Eve/Valentine's/birthday kiss with?
The only thing you should be doing with that mouth of yours is subjecting it to the glory of gastronomy. The mouth was made for eating, so let's keep it that way, ya nasty.
9. You want someone to Instagram cute pictures with?
Haha..wait why? Why would you ever distract from your own beautiful face with the ugly face of another person? Who would ever want that? Kick him back to his own Insta, where he belongs.
10. You think your life will be over if you break up?
Well, I have some advice for you...
As you can see, I am extremely happy and not at all bitter ridin' through life solo! If you ever need any tips, feel free to ask; as you've probably gathered, my advice is rock solid.
