We have all been there. Stuck with some crazy rando who’s bug collection is getting way out of hand, and by hand I mean their side of the room. Oh, yes, the classic “I had a terrible/crazy/ridiculous roommate story.” After a whole year of living with this f**king psychopath, you’ve finally escaped their clutches only to discover that they live on your floor!
1 Sexile
There is a reason why they call first semester of freshman year “mating season,” and it doesn’t have to do with the biology majors (wink, wink). It seems like every single person and their grandmother is hooking up on Tinder, Grinder, or however it is that horny people find one other and are doing the Dew expect you. So, every time you come back to your room, whether it be after class, after lunch, after working out, or even with your family, your roommate and their respective partner(s) are screwing like rabbits on the wild Sahara (that’s not right!) on YOUR floor! How are they not pregnant? Jesus, at least lock the door or something.
2 Netflix and Sleep Deprivation
After a long day of working hard killing those essays and demolishing those problems sets, all you want to do is bury your head deep into that soft pillow you parents obsessively bought you at Bed Bath and Beyond while shopping for “college stuff.” But, your roommate seems that 1:45 pm is a perfectly acceptable time to be binge watching “Making a Murder” WITHOUT HEADPHONES! ARE YOU KIDDING? I HAVE AN 8 AM! SPOILER: HE REMAINS IN JAIL!
3 Sheriff Roommate
At first they seemed really normal. They were clean, tidy, even outwardly nice! But, that all changed the day you decided it would be a good idea to bring pizza into the room or was too loud that one time. Before you knew it, a wall of laws and regulations are tying up nearly every single interaction and thing you do/did in your room. It’s like 1984 up in your room, and Winston will have seemed to gotten off way better than you ever will.
4 Bob Marley
You enjoy a toke or too after a long stressful day of classes, but by that estimation, your roommate must have been overloading 38 credit hours for how much weed he smokes. They are like a wild chimney just waiting for Public Safety to bash your door down and write you up. Not to mention, no number of drier sheets are enough to even begin to suffocate the dank atmosphere that now inhabits your room. Also, Phish sucks. Get over it.
5 Clinger
No, not everyone’s favorite character on MASH next to Hawk-eye. This roommate will use every available opportunity to leach parasitically onto your group of friends and other social engagements. Going to a party? Guess who’s going to be your +1. Having a tournament of Smash Brothers in the lounge? Guess who is breaking out their unholy secret obsession with Peach. Your snapchat gets blown up thousands of times a day with “silly” inside jokes so much so that they become the Snapchat best friend no one asked for.
6 Pepsi!
#6 isn’t a bad thing that a roommate could do. Instead, it’s probably the best thing a roommate could ever think to do! Bring a shit-ton of Pepsi for the micro-fridge! Ahhh yes. Pepsi, that nasty brown sugar substitute that everyone confuses with Coke at restaurants. Pepsi! When you want to rot your teeth out, but don’t want it to taste quite that good. Pepsi! For when you’ve seen too many 80s movies and think you’re Michael Jackson! Pepsi!
7 Mr. Steal-Yo-Girl
Everything was perfectly awesome until…(insert ex-lovers name here)…entered the picture. After you two broke up, a few weeks later, your roommate starts to date them! Seriously! Can’t you wait like at least a month or so. Now, you have to endure walking in on your ex (see #1) and your roommate on a nearly daily basis. Brilliant. But, at least they are cute.
8 At the Dump
The clear line of demarcation between your side and your roommate’s side is often violated by waves of trash slowly flowing across emanating from their bed and desk. Empty food boxes and boxes of tampons slink over lazily. You try desperately to pile as much of it as you can into a trash bag to little avail. Soon, all of your stuff is swallowed whole by the ever growing pile of trash.
9 The Metal Head
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10 Because They Won’t Read This Article and Change Anything
