In the history of the world, there has never been a moment or instance when someone actually enjoyed going to audition. If you have or know someone who actively thinks of auditions as a good thing, see a doctor. Perhaps it could be the time of day (morning, or night) that can throw you off. Perchance it is the fact that your foreseeable future will be determined by a few minutes of complete and probably biased judgment by people you’ve never met. But, most likely it is because of the many wonderful, weird, wild, wound-up, or wannabe actors that you get to spend the time in the waiting room with.

That said, without any further adieu, here is a list of them, the funny fellows you’d find at your every audition:

1. The Big Mouth

This is the type who just can’t keep their mouth shut about how their acting teacher is Stephen Sondheim’s best friend, they were conceived after a scandalously wild cast party, and that they’ve carved their name in the wall of every regional theatre in Florida. They may, in some cases, casually show off their resume. They are like the FBI in the sense that they seemingly know everyone. Extra points if they know the casting director.

2. Double Trouble

They’re loud. They haven’t seen each other for a while or maybe they have seen each other a week ago and will go on to talk about “what a small world it is”. There’s nothing wrong with them, except that knowing that these two buffoons have someone to talk to and hype them up while you don’t, really makes one jealous.

3. The HYPERACTIVE!!! One

This is an actor or actress who is unable to stand (or sit) still for five seconds. They will stretch, twist their back, and go through fifteen different positions in their seat until they are called. They’re usually nice to talk to, albeit very distracting. They get the part, somehow.

4. The Absolute Sociopath

This is a person who is a combo of big mouth and hyperactive - they will try to create some kind of a bond between people who are just trying to book a job, and funnily enough I’ve never seen a person like that actually get the role (if I’m wrong, comment!) They will talk with everything that has a mouth, about just everything that there is to talk about. Occasionally they are charismatic, but nonetheless distracting.

5. The Intense Actor

This is the type of a person who, if kept away from a stage for a long time would actually explode. You wouldn’t know they’re the intense actor without seeing them play, but they usually emit a certain vibe: they don’t talk to anyone, they look strong enough to bend metal, and are radiating with focus.

6. Your Clone

This one I’m speaking about from second-hand experience. I interestingly enough have never run into someone who looks like me in my entire life, but at any large auditions, you’ll always find a pair (or a group) of clones. Pro tip: don’t bother to remember their names, because chances are you’ll mess them up later on in the day. Or you could pay attention to other people, but that’s an exotic experience for me

7. Someone Disproportionately Better Than Everyone Else

Should you do an audition in a group for say a musical, sometimes you’ll find that most applicants are evenly matched. Sometimes, however, a complete lord and GOD or GODDESS of dance will enter, whose majesty and ethereal precision will make every other person look like an infant learning to walk.

8. The Rehearser

There’s always that one person who has to recite their lines in a state of near panic, and they will usually do that loud enough for the entire room to hear. I always wish them luck and sort of root for them, just because. If they are distracting enough, I wish for their demise.

9. Your Rival

This is the one. Can look like you, but not necessarily. The only person in the room who truly stands in the way of your hopes and dreams, the sole source of all unhappiness and all of the world’s problems. You might be afraid that this person is better than you, or more attractive and you really want their audition to go poorly. If they walk into that room and a ceiling tile falls and pokes their eye out, you’d cheer.

10. You.

You are the single most greatest person in the auditioning room. You WILL get this part, and you WILL be nice to everyone else. And if not, every no you hear is a yes for somewhere else!