1. When I see a cute boy
"Hey you, yeah you, how you doin'? *insert baby flex here* yeah I see you over there looking FINE. Yeah, you lift those weights. Why don't you come over here — WE MADE EYE CONTACT, ABORT, ABORT."
2. When I'm doing a workout I know looks weird
*Insert me being dramatic and making funny faces just to make it weirder*
"YEEAAAHHHHHH FEEL THE BUUUURRRRRRNNNN"
3. When I can see my muscles moving in the mirror
"WAIT, it's like a magic trick! I'm going to do it again. *flexes* oh my GOD THAT'S SO COOL..*insert sound of a squeaky door handle and make it every time I move that muscle* ee err ee err, IM LIKE A ROBOT."
4. When a boy starts walking towards me
" I swear to god if you come over here and interrupt my workout just to correct my form or ask me some stupid question I will fight you, I don't want to know your name, I- oh you want to know if I'm using the bench? oh yeah, no that's all yours I'm totally done. Wow, what a considerate guy."
5. When I see someone else flexing in the mirror
*Insert heavy Russian accent* "Strong like bull."
6. When someone is screaming and huffing and puffing
7. When a girl with a hot bod walks by
"YES GIRL YOU ARE KILLING IT. Okay but her proportions are TO DIE FOR. How is that even fair? Her waist in the size of a straw and her butt is bigger than my whole body. That has to be genetics, there's no way that's only squats. There's no way……..I'm doing extra squats today, just ..because. "
8. When I see someone I know
"Open your eyes really wide and stare at them until they notice you. Don't move. Just stare. Perfect. "
9. When I see someone working hard
"I don't even know you but I'm so proud of you, you're killing it. I'm so happy for you, you're beautiful, keep up the good work."
10. When I see someone on the machine I need to end my workout
"Wait what do I do? Where do I go? Do I go back to where I was? Do I go somewhere else? Do I work a different body part? Do I just stand and wait? WHAT DO I DO. *proceeds to walk around the gym in circles until they leave- insert British accent* Just going for a jolly saunter, don't mind me."