If you're reading this, then you probably spend a lot of time on Facebook clicking on all the articles that get shared to your newsfeed, which means you've probably read a thing or two about Brock Turner . If you haven't, then here's a little summary: Turner, a 21 year old student athlete at Stanford University, was accused of sexually assaulting an unconscious, intoxicated 22 year old girl. He was discovered by two bikers who happened to be passing by and took notice of Turner 'thrusting on top' of a half-naked, unconscious female behind a dumpster. Despite the obvious clues that the unconscious girl did not want to be there, like the way they were hidden behind a dumpster or the way he tried to run away from the scene immediately, Turner and his lawyers attempted to argue that what had occurred did not constitute rape and that any conviction would ruin Brock Turner's life and swimming career. Turner and his team attempted to victim-blame and shame a girl who was brave enough to come forward and stand trial against a self-entitled rapist who believed that a non-response could be chalked up to a yes. And yet somehow, after being convicted on three different charges of sexual assault, Brock Turner was sentenced to 6 months in jail, as opposed to the potential 13 years possible when convicted on those charges. And then it gets even better, because he didn't even serve his full sentence. He served 3 months total and was let out on account of good behavior and because the court deemed him to be 'no real threat to society'. Because a 21 year old boy convicted of rape, who was made to believe what he did wasn't wrong but was actually just a bad decision he could attribute to drinking, isn't at all threatening, right? He learned his lesson, right? So here are a few things that lasted longer than Brock Turner's 'life-ruining' prison sentence.
1. The gallon of almond milk in my refrigerator
The shelf life on that baby is unreal. Bought it in June and it doesn't even expire until October 26th! Just think of how much prison food they could've saved if they just gave Brock a gallon of almond milk and a little cereal! He probably wouldn't have even finish the whole thing before his release!
2. Tom Brady's deflate gate trial
2. Tom Brady's deflate gate trialI am probably the last person you would want to talk to about sports. After Jeter stopped playing baseball I kind of gave up, but even I know that the Deflate Gate trial went on for a gruelingly long time. Tom Brady was accused of deflating a football and was put on trial for longer than Brock Turner served a rape sentence. That makes sense.
3. Kanye West's financial struggle
#TBT to when Kanye West was $53 million dollars in debt. As someone who paid $150 for nosebleed seats at his show last week, I'd like to take personal credit for relieving him from his financial struggle. @Kanye if you're reading this I wear a size 7 in Yeezys HMU.
4. Most of the storylines on SVU
No lie, I was watching an episode from Season 17 yesterday and it did a flashback all the way to Season 13 - that was probably a 5 year gap!! Side note would totally love to see Olivia Benson tear Brock Turner a new one... but that's besides the point.
5. The Juicy Tracksuit comeback
I'm probably the only person genuinely excited about this because just about everyone else I talk to tells me to light my tracksuits on fire (never) yet this unsupported trend has lasted longer than 3 months. Interesting.
6. Stanley Yelnats' incarceration
Yes I am talking about Shia LaBeouf's character from Holes. His sentence was longer than Brock Turner's rape sentencing, and all he did was steal a pair of shoes which had actually just fallen from the sky into his hands (ya know, as shoes usually do)
7. Trump's political views
If there's one thing we can count on Trump for, it's being inconsistent and never fully making sense but even he sticks behind the things that he says for longer than 3 months. How does that make you feel, Brock?
8. Taylor Swift's 97th relationship of the year
Hiddleswift has sadly come to an end, just like every other Taylor Swift relationship. After 3 glorious months of planned paparazzi PDA and traveling the world, another Swift relationship has come to a halt. I don't know which one is more embarrassing, the 3 month prison sentence or a 3 month relationship between two adults.
9. My latest profile picture
I'm that annoying betch on Facebook who changes her profile picture about once a month, but I've had the same one since April. That's a record for me and sad news for the judge who convicted Brock Turner of rape and sentenced him to 6 months. I beat out his jail sentence by 4 months via Facebook profile picture.
10. Angelina on Jersey Shore
The Staten Island Dump who brought her belongings in literal trashbags lasted about a season when you add up her episodes from season 1 and 2. That's about 4 months. Congratulations Brock Turner, you are worse than Angelina from the Jersey Shore.
In case it wasn't obvious, Brock Turner's jail time was ridiculously short. He could have been given a total of 13 years! How do you plead that down to 6 months and then not even make the full 6? The fact of the matter is he committed a crime. If he didn't know what constituted rape, that was his own problem but excusing him for being "unsure" and thinking an unconscious girl wanted his grimey hands all over her is absolutely inexcusable. It's time to stop this "boys will be boys" discourse and start enforcing the law. Rape is rape. Simple as that. And when someone is convicted of rape, they should be treated like so. Brock Turner didn't deserve to be let out of jail early. He deserved full jail time. I'm sorry if he can longer join the Olympic swim team or enjoy his favorite steak, but his victim will never be the same and will be haunted by not only the incident, but the fact that he got let off so easy for traumatizing her. That's something she has to deal with forever and it's something he should have paid for.
