Hey! Your fav Angry Native Lady here again to try and stop you from being a cultural appropriating piece of sh*t, just in time for Halloween!
We all know what I think about dressing up like an “Indian.” But I’m beginning to think that I’m just telling you guys what not to do without giving you any suggestions on what to do. (Besides like, just generally not being an idiot.)
So I have complied a handy listicle of your only ten options to not be a rude, thoughtless, tasteless, idiotic, selfish, stupid, mean, offensive, culturally insensitive, disappointing, and unattractive human being this Halloween. We could really do without most sacred Halloween traditions, like getting drunk and harassing women dressed as cats, but the tradition we must eradicate first is people wearing culturally appropriative costumes.
These kinds of costumes include but are not limited to: Native Princess, Native Warrior, Squaw, Chief, Gypsy, Geisha, “China Doll,” “Cantina Girl,” “Senorita Marachi,” “Bollywood Diva,” “Igloo Cutie Sexy Eskimo,” “Adult Sheik,” “Sexy Middle Eastern Arab Girl Burka,” “Sexy Arabian Dancer,” and on and on.
Every costume I just listed is 100% real, by the way. I need to wash my eyes and my soul.
Ugh, here.
1) Puffy Blue Rock and Roll Humanoid Figure*
The only culture you’re gonna appropriate with this thing is a member of the Blue Man Group, and f*ck those guys anyway. I’m not sure if you can see through the hood, but that’s actually a plus, because then you won’t see any offensive costumes while you’re out and about.
*Not the actual name of the costume.
2) Hairy Legs*
Surprise and shock your friends and family by snagging the hottest costume of the year. The clip clop sound of your hooves down the street will delight every child you pass by. And you’ll easily be the warmest person out on the frigid October streets, especially warmer than the dude wearing nothing but “war paint” and a loincloth.
*almost the actual name of this costume
3) Hilarious Anti-Costume Shirt
“But, Siobhan,” you say, while I pretend to care. “I don’t ever wear costumes. I can never find one that matches my fedora. How can I make sure I’m not awful this Halloween? I cannot bear to be friend-zoned once more.”
“Well, darling,” I say to you, and you feel your entire soul warmed by the generosity of my spirit, “I have a solution for you. Dust off your best plaid fedora, because you’re going out while still keeping true to your vaguely Marxist ideology.”
Ha! Ha! Ha! A simple garment combined with a classic joke! Ha! Ha! Ha! Even this tasteless shirt is less offensive than wearing a sombrero and a fake mustache! Ha! Ha! Ha! Society is an endless sh*t machine! Ha! Ha! Ha!
4) Sexy Parrot Romper*
Do you have a thing for birds? Yeah, me neither. But somebody out there probably does, since this exists. Honestly, I think the worst part of this costume is that I don’t really hate it so much. I mean, it even has a parrot head hood, and the wings are basically a cape. Plus, it comes with furry feet, so your lover can go as Hairy Legs and y’all will match perfectly without being offensive. Win win!
*You guessed it, real name.
5) Sexy Pizza
My personal favorite. Yandy.com, the creator of this masterpiece, proudly boasts that it was “seen on Ellen, The Today Show and The Daily Show!” That’s something to brag about, I think. The greatest part about this sexy pizza costume is its functionality—the crust works perfectly as a neck pillow, so you can wear it as pajamas for the rest of the year while you have beautiful, peaceful dreams because you didn’t invoke the rage of me or any of my ancestors this Halloween season.
*Yep.
6) Fancy Shadow
If you’re honestly not sure that you’ll be able to stop yourself from wearing anything that’s not offensive, cover up your entire body so nobody has to look at you. And if you’re a fancy type of person, one that likes glamour and such, this is the perfect costume for you. Comes with collar, cuff and tie. Creepy shadow skin not included.
7) Raw Turkey Mask
Somehow, this wonderful piece of art has a 0/0 star rating, and no reviews. Personally, I have quite a few questions that reviews would answer: can you see out of this? How? If not, are you simply ensconced in a rubber latex raw turkey with no way to communicate or perceive the outside world?
If so, sign me up.
8) Dino Dog
Are you a beautiful dog with a super weird owner who never leaves you alone and always makes you wear clothes? If so, you might be my dog from the future. In that case, get off the internet and let me pet you.
Anyway, don’t think I forgot about the rest of you animals-who-can-read. You’re not exempt from this either. Though god, how I wish you were.
I found you a perfect costume, Fido. One that will make you look extra tall, extra scary, and also give you six legs, which is pretty cool.
9) Jesus Christ You've Got to Be Kidding Me
“Is this what my modeling career has come to?”
Remember this? Yeah, I don’t want to either but that’s just too bad. This is your fault. If you didn’t insist on stealing other people’s cultural identities, mocking them, and then trying to look sexy in them, we wouldn’t be here. If you’ve got a problem, take it up with colonialism. Oh wait, I just remembered, you can’t do that, since colonialism has provided the foundation for you and your family to be super mega successful in this white bread world. This white bread world where we all talk about this ugly effing dress for like two weeks. Ugh. F*ck. I hate you so much.
*This is my own new and improved costume name.
And finally...
10) Skeleboner
Skeleboner. That is all.
