By now, all Potterheads have gotten their hands on the coveted script of "Harry Potter and The Cursed Child," the highly-anticipated sequel to our beloved Potter series. Ever since we left The Golden Trio at Kings Cross when all was well, we have been curious about the futures of the Potter and Weasley offspring. This summer, we finally were gifted with a rough three hundred pages of new Hogwarts magic. Yet, after I read the script in a mere three hour sitting, I realized that "The Cursed Child" is certainly a wild ride. It wasn't exactly written by J.K. Rowling herself, which might attest to why there were so many moments that made me breathe a confused sigh of, "bloody hell."
1. Scorpius and Albus are in love.
I don't know about you, but I sensed some serious chemistry between Scorpius and Albus. In my mind, there is no doubt that these two were meant to be way more than friends. Between the endless embraces, the jealousy when one of them would talk to someone else (especially a girl), and Harry forbidding them to see each other (like his son was a Capulet and Scorpius was Montague), these two had serious romantic tension. I mean, they even exchanged the classic Potter term, "Always."
2. Is this an angst fanfiction?
If this was a fan-fiction (which is still being determined), it would be categorized under Harry/Albus, Angst. From Albus wishing Harry was never his dad (how original), to Harry wishing Albus he was never his son (really original), you could cut the tension with a knife! Then there was that time when Harry offered Albus his old blanket, and Albus had no interest in it at all, kind of crushing his father's heart and soul. This script is burning with angst!
3. Albus is insanely sassy.
Wow, Albus, constantly throwing the shade and sass to your poor father. All he wanted to do was accompany you to the platform before you boarded The Hogwarts Express for you new term, and you begged him to leave you alone so you could go hang with Scorpius. We've covered the father and son angst previously, yet he was definitely serving up some major teen attitude to Harry whenever they had a confrontation. Sometimes, I felt like Albus was acting like a frustrated teen on the Disney Channel who just wanted to prove to his parents that he was mature and independent.
4. Craig!
Oh, Craig. Craig Bowker Jr. - the Cedric Diggory of this generation. He does homework for Scorpius (the future Scorpius of course), he seems to be a pretty smart and likable guy, and all he gets for his hard work is a killing curse from Delphi. He barely got any material written for him, and was killed within seconds. Despite Craig only being a featured character, I think he matters just as much as anyone else. Rest in peace, Craig. I love you, Craig.
5. She's just an old lady!
One second, she's asking you if you want anything from the trolley, the next, she's got you trapped on the roof of the train! You better grab your chocolate frogs and run for it because this trolley lady is now a trolley witch. She was always so pure and elderly, but now the most recent memory I have of her and when she started throwing her pumpkin pasties grenades at Albus and Scorpius. The authors really stretched things with her character development in this installment.
6. Ron and Hermione feels.
I don't really care if it happened in some warped Time Turner past, but when the Dementors came for Ron and Hermione, I was on the edge of my shipper seat. Then, they had a killer kiss that made my heart leap with joy. I'm all for romantic moments in a time where it's life or death. Don't even get me started on the little rendezvous in Hermione's Ministry office when Ron brought up the idea of renewing their vows - I melted.
7. Padma Patil, you savage.
After all of that time warp stuff, Mrs. Weasley isn't Hermione, but Padma. Padma Patil - who I specifically remember Ron not asking to dance at the Yule Ball. The thought of Ron being married to anyone but Hermione made me cringe, although it made for some great pent-up sexual tension between Ron and Hermione. Maybe Padma is likable in this rewrite, but I always though those twins were spoiled.
8. Yule Ball rewrite?
The whole story of how Ron didn't end up with Hermione because of the Yule Ball was all over the place. Apparently, because Hermione and Ron went as friends, they never had the chance to be jealous of each other. Hmm, that seemed like a stretch to end a romantic plot line, but I'll take whatever drama I can get. I am still disturbed by thinking that Hermione's epic fight with Ron and sobbing fest on the staircase had a chance of not occurring in another dimension.
9. Voldemort Day...
Say it with me, everyone - "for Voldemort and valor!" Suddenly, it was like Voldemort was running for President (Voldemort or Trump, that's an interesting debate to raise), and he had his own slogan. I think it would absolutely draining and exhausting to have to recite a slogan whenever you ended a conversation or left a room. Plus, The Blood Ball sounds pretty depressing. By the way, Prolly Chapman isn't charming in the slightest.
10. If Voldemort can get action...
I can't believe that during the Battle of Hogwarts, Bellatrix and Voldemort had enough time to make a baby without Nagini distracting them. If Voldemort wasn't forever alone, am I doomed for eternity? Speaking of their lovechild, Delphi was super shady and I saw it coming the entire time. I always knew that Bellatrix was attracted to Voldemort and wanted him badly, I just thought Voldemort wasn't down for all that craziness. I can't blame her though, young Tom Riddle was definite eye candy.
I took notes when I read through this wild ride of a script, and there are many more moments that made me stare into outer space, unsure of where I was or what I was reading. Yet, I have to say that I loved every second of The Cursed Child craziness. We Potterheads will overlook the cheesy dialogue, the questionable grammar, the confusing chronology, and much more. Why? Because, Hogwarts will always be our home.
But, seriously, bloody hell.
